Heartbroken - lost dear friend and mentor

[piglet36]

Hello all, am struggling hugely with the situation I am in. A dear, dear friend died on Monday from cancer. He had been suffering for six months, but had not told anyone. He had looked very unwell for some time but just refused to talk about it and instead claimed to just be under the weather. We've had a complicated relationship - on and off as partners for the last 15 years - and business partners too. For the last six months he had kept me at arms length and didn't want to see me, spend time or anything. He continued to work with me but as often as possible via phone calls, emails and texts. Looking back over our emails today, we were typically emailing 10 times a day - some work stuff, some chat. I know I need to respect his decision not to tell me but I feel so utterly floored by this. I miss him so much and ache so completely. I can't stop crying and am trying to be strong for his daughter, but I am struggling. I can't believe I will never see this wonderful man again and now regret not being able to say goodbye and tell him that he has been the love of my life. I feel absolutely desolate. Clearly we had a lot of unresolved issues, and now they are left like that forever. Prior to him getting Ill, he wanted us to be together properly and get married, but it was very complicated and I couldn't commit. I am utterly heartbroken now and don't know whether he was keeping me at arms length to 'protect' me from what was happening to him, or whether he had just had enough of me not committing to him. I know I deserve to feel wretched but I just don't know how to even begin to start to get through this.

Oh my goodness I feel very sad for you. You must feel utterly bereft.

Rest in Peace, love of piglet's life.

My partner said something to me recently when we were discussing death and bereavement. He said, if ever anything happens to me, no matter what happened beforehand that day, whether we had a tiff that morning or parted on bad terms, always always know that I loved you completely. My last thoughts will have been of you.

I understand how horrible it must feel to have been unable to say the things you would have wanted to say. But he knew he was loved. He knew he was the love of your life. He knew, and knows, and will know. He lives forever now in your memory, wherein perfection exists. Whatever his reasons for not telling you, they were borne of love, of that I'm sure.

I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I so hope you are right - he said to me back in April that he was fed up of me not committing and wouldn't continue as we were. I guess I will never know whether he meant that in its own right, or whether that was hi keeping me at arms length knowing what was to come. It hurts so much that he didn't want to see me before he died. Massively selfish I know.

I saw Linda Bellingham interviewed this morning. She said she didn't want her husband and children there when she died. She said she didn't want them to remember that. She wanted them to only remember her alive. Maybe that is what your friend thought, so you only remember the time before. He will have known how you felt about him. I should think his decision not to tell you came from a place of love, to remember him at his best.

Not selfish at all for you to want to be there.

I lost a very close girlfriend 10 months and 2 weeks ago (not that I'm counting). Like your friend she kept it very much to herself, I knew but very few other people did.

The end came very suddenly, we made a date for a girls evening and she died. I didn't get to say goodbye and it hurts but it's my problem no one else's.

I'm still struggling to work it all out but what I do know is that I loved her and she loved me. I wouldn't have missed a day of being her friend.

You ache like hell and so do I but there are brighter days. Stay strong and know your friend loved you without conditions.

Thank you so much. It really does help to do this. My big worry is that he didn't know how much I love him because I couldn't commit to him. So many things unsaid, and it is all just too late now.