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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Motherless daughters

32 replies

queencori · 04/10/2014 21:30

Tonight I went to a meetup group called 'The sisterhood of motherless daughters' inspired by the book by Hope Eldenham. The group was aimed at women who lost their mothers before the age of 21. I am
so pleased to finally meet other women I can connect with , who understand where I am and how it feels to go through life like this. I've been alone with thus for so long , I've feel like I've found 'my people'

OP posts:

Amaxapax · 04/10/2014 21:34

I read that book after my mom died when I was nineteen. I found it hugely helpful at a time when I felt no one understood my experience. I've been thinking about it a lot recently as I'm about seven weeks into my first pregnancy, and I know she wrote about coping with those kinds of milestones and the likelihood of them bringing up renewed feelings of grief.

Original poster

queencori · 04/10/2014 22:07

I first read it when I was pregnant with
My first son. That was 12 years ago. I now realise it never really goes away , the grief , just at times it's easier to deal with.

OP posts:

beeny · 04/10/2014 22:16

My mum died when I was 26, I was very emotionally dependent upon her and don't think I've really dealt with the grief. I am now 44 with two children.

ChubbyKitty · 04/10/2014 22:30

This is interesting. I lost my mum at 21, so wondering if the book would be helpful? It's not been very long, 1.5 years(either side of two birthdays), but I still feel like it was quite recent and like it's never going to not be on my mind. Particularly when I get married, and when I have children, which are things I always assumed she would be around for(as did she)

Original poster

queencori · 04/10/2014 22:45

the book will be helpful no matter what age you lost your mum. What I didn't realise at 21 was that I'd be living with the loss for the rest of my life . That's why it was so helpful to meet others tonight who'd been there too. I'm 44 and lost my mum when I was 19

OP posts:

ChubbyKitty · 04/10/2014 23:25

Thanks Queen - will see if it's on Amazon.

I'm also really sorry for everyone's losses.

newrecruit · 04/10/2014 23:28

That sounds really good.

My Dad died when I was 22 and my Mum when I was 28. I'm now 39 and I think only just coming to terms with it.

Rowgtfc72 · 05/10/2014 15:14

I was 26 when my mum died. We didn't really get on. Dad became both parents,shopping , out for tea, childminding. He died end of august and now I'm just realising I've lost my mum twice.

beax · 05/10/2014 15:20

Thanks Queen
Lost my mum at 23 (i'm 25) now, dad not around since I was 12. Like others have said I don't think i've yet processed it, sometimes it catches up with me but I tend to try and shut it back up.
When once friends and colleagues twice my age talk about their parents (going for dinner/on holiday with them), thats when it feels most real. I will never do those things with my mum again. She won't be there when I get married next year, she'll never meet her future grandchildren. for all. It's bloody hard.

Brightermornings · 05/10/2014 15:33

This thread is amazing I lost my mum when I was 13.
Recently she's been on my mind a lot because me friend lost her mum so I've been supporting her.
When I found out about my mum I ran upstairs to be on my own. I've been running away from my grief since then I'm 40 now.
So much I wish she's been here for.

newrecruit · 05/10/2014 16:21

As well as grieving for my parents, I realise now that I also grieve for my younger self.

I know that seems weird but I look at the people I know in their twenties whose lives are carefree with nothing to worry about - fully supported by their parents.

I don't really feel sorry for myself now (well now and again) but there are times when I want to find my 25 year old self and give her a big hug

newrecruit · 05/10/2014 16:23

I also realise that losing your parents in childhood/early adulthood is psychologically very different to losing them when you are married with a family.

MindReader · 05/10/2014 16:31

I might have a look.
I lost my Dad at age 4 months.
My Mum had a breakdown and has never really recovered.
From a distance she appeared functional, but was not able to parent in any reliable way, especially emotionally.
So, I haven't 'lost' my Mum yet, but who she had been (and her ability to 'cope)' went away too and she has not been there for any of my significant life events (or insignificant ones either).

FurryDogMother · 05/10/2014 16:32

Lost my Mum at 27 (she was 59). We didn't have the easiest relationship, but I came to realise that she was the only person in my life who ever loved me unconditionally. I spent the next 5 years after she died trying to do stuff I thought she would have approved of - even now (at age 55) I'm trying to carry out her last wish ('look after your Dad'). There are conversations I would have loved to be able to have with her once I'd become a bit older, and - despite our sometimes fraught relationship - I still miss her terribly. My aunt, , when she was in her late 60s, once told me that she still talked to her Mum in her head :) I think your Mum is always a part of you, no matter your age.

Selks · 05/10/2014 16:35

I'm 50, I lost my Mum suddenly when I was twenty, a couple of months after my son, my first child was born. I had previously lost my father suddenly at age 15. I don't think I've ever fully 'processed' or got my head round these losses. All my adult life has been spent between numb denial interspersed with acute sadness. It's coloured my whole being, and affected my adult relationships too.. I will read that book, and thanks for starting this thread OP.

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 05/10/2014 16:46

It's a very rare day when I think about either of my parents to be honest, certainly with any sadness. I lost mum at 18 and dad at 22. It's just been so, so long - well over two decades. They're just not part of my day to day life anymore. But, and it's a big but, there is a gaping hole in my general life and my life experiences. I never got an adult relationship with either of them, I have no frame of reference for that. My internal judgement is fucked and I am always paralysed with fear of failure when it comes to making any kind of decision. I over commit to friendships yet there is no-one I feel I can trust totally, completely with all my darkest fears, not even my husband. I'm not a particularly likeable person I feel, and I wonder if my whole life has been stunted somehow, held back if you will, by their deaths. There's a little part of me that stopped that day, and never got to see what things could have, should have been.

newrecruit · 05/10/2014 16:48

time that's exactly how I feel.

The fear that there is no one on your side. I have a loneliness that friends and even my husband and children don't really fill.

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 05/10/2014 17:30

I have no siblings either. I am alone in the world with my DNA. That sense of nothingness just isn't explainable to other people, they either already know it from experience or they don't. I have a great life and I've been very, very fortunate - it's almost a duality, a fantastic privileged life on the one hand, and a stunted immature little girl on the other. I'm both at the same time. It's fucked up, frankly.

FurryDogMother · 05/10/2014 17:44

Time I identify with that totally - was adopted, am an only child, lost mother at 27, have never had children - I am a genetic island. It's good (in a bad way) to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

PuddingandPie1 · 05/10/2014 18:11

I wondered about posting to this thread for two reasons. I am a "Motherless Son" and strictly speaking my Mother didn't die she just stopped being a parent. I've posted before about how my twin died 50 years ago and how my Mother never got over it so I don't need to go through all that again. But what I could say if that the years after Stephen died were the worst years of my life - partly because so many folk ran around sorting her out never noticing the sad youngster who wasn't even allowed to mourn.

MindReader · 06/10/2014 10:27

Pudding - I can SO relate to that.

I never know what to say to people if they ask about my Mum.
My Mum isn't dead, but she stopped being a parent too, through grief as well.
Each year I send a mothering sunday card and wonder why the hell I'm doing it - she has never behaved like a mother to me. She got totally stuck in her grief and couldn't parent me any more. I brought myself up.

I am sorry for both of your losses.

PuddingandPie1 · 06/10/2014 13:49

MindReader - Yes it is very hard having a "parent" who doesn't act like one in any significant way. Mum was impossible to live with which is why in the end Dad divorced her. After that he managed to find happiness in his life and I was always pleased for him. Mum never got over Stephen's death and mourned and pined her life away and never, through her own choice, saw my children.

Hopefully she is in Heaven now and reunited with Dad and with Stephen.

PuddingandPie1 · 06/10/2014 13:56

FurryDogMother - One of my closest friends is a "genetic island" (BTW that is a lovely way to describe it!) and I know it has caused her much unhappiness over the years. I don't think she has ever had a boyfriend in the 40+ years I have known her and she still lives at home with her aged Mother. She was a attractive, bright and sparkling undergraduate but somehow, somewhere along the line things didn't work out for her. I share her sorrow.

Fcukfifa · 06/10/2014 14:10

I lost my mum when I was 6, my sister was 16 so I usually feel like I don't have the right to get upset as much as her which I know is silly.

We don't have the same dad and my sister left home nearly straight after my mum died. My dad was also emotionally and pretty much physically absent. He couldn't show any affection whether this was intentional or not I don't know. I remember going through the yellow pages and ringing all the local pubs to see where he was on a weekend. And getting cooked a tea at a relatives was the best thing ever.

Now I have my children I miss having a mum so much, she would be proud of them. She had 4 sisters and most of my cousins have had babies and all have wonderful relationships with their mothers. I'm so happy for them but it's also bittersweet.

wonderwooman · 06/10/2014 16:39

My Dad died when I was 18 and my Mum died when I was 31.

I still think about going for counselling even now (I'm 39) as I find it heartbreaking that they've gone. I feel as though my Dad died too soon after our relationship really started to reach that post-teenage angst stage. My Mum knew my DC1, but was so ill that she wasn't able to be as involved as I know she would have liked.

I miss her so much.

Another two DCs down the line & I feel so sad that they'll never know my wonderful parents.

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