Dad's 1st birthday coming up since we lost him

[LittlePink]

The sadness is starting to build and increase in the run up to Dads birthday at the weekend. Keep thinking back to this time last year when we were planning his birthday party and wrapping his presents. We knew it was his last birthday that we would spend with him and it was a very special party with all the family and as sick as he was he smiled through the pictures and had a little tipple and a piece of cake, although he was suffering and we could all see that.

He said to me a few weeks before he died just out of the blue one day "i don't want you to be distraught". We hadn't been talking about his illness at that point, he just said it randomly. It took me by surprise and I didn't say anything back as I was a bit shocked. Looking back I don't know how I would have responded to it if I had been expecting him to say it.

Its going to be so hard at the weekend without him with us and I miss him so much.

Birthdays and anniversaries are hard.

What would you like to do on his birthday? Is there a place that was special to him/you that you can go to? I think it's nice to mark the day in some way, even if it only a small way. On my mum's birthday, I like to eat a cream cake in her memory (one of her favourite treats), and on my Dad's birthday, I like to go and look at the sea. It's not much but it helps a little. Even in the midst of a busy day, to feel I am acknowledging them in some way.

And what your dad said to you in his last weeks is important. He meant that. None of us would want our loved ones to be distraught, would we? But I'm not saying it's easy to switch off our grief. It is a normal response to losing someone we love.

Sending love and strength.

Thanks for your kind message. We have a magnolia bush in the garden planted in his memory which will flower each anniversary of his death in the spring, so we are going to put some flowers by it. Then will probably have a quiet walk in the countryside or somewhere tranquil. The 1st everything will be hard, birthdays, Christmas, anniversary. Only natural I guess.

Absolutely- so be kind to yourself, and do whatever feels right.

Yes, all the firsts are hard. And I found it wasn't just their birthdays, but everyone else's birthdays felt different too- mine and my children's.

The magnolia bush sounds lovely- what a good idea.

Thinking of you at this time. Magnolia is right as you are Wading. Anniversaries are hard. I always find the "commemorative" anniversaries I manage quite well but the lead up to them and after is quite exhausting. You prepare yourself in the lead up and then are utterly shattered emotionally after having held it all together. Take it easy at this time and don't overdo it. Make some space for yourself to feel whatever emotion is with you at the time.

Take care.

I found the run up to his birthday harder than the actual day itself. We kept busy on the day and talked about him quite a lot. The next difficult time will be Xmas no doubt. Last Xmas was the worst one I've ever had. He didn't make it to Xmas dinner and was in bed most of the day whilst we waited for the doctor to come. My sister and I had a huge falling out on Xmas morning and weren't speaking because of the stress of it all and dd didn't open her presents until Boxing Day coz everything was so crazy. Hopefully this Xmas will be better but it will be really hard at the same time. Much like anyone else who has lost someone they love.

I found the run up to his birthday harder than the actual day itself. We kept busy on the day and talked about him quite a lot. The next difficult time will be Xmas no doubt. Last Xmas was the worst one I've ever had. He didn't make it to Xmas dinner and was in bed most of the day whilst we waited for the doctor to come. My sister and I had a huge falling out on Xmas morning and weren't speaking because of the stress of it all and dd didn't open her presents until Boxing Day coz everything was so crazy. Hopefully this Xmas will be better but it will be really hard at the same time. Much like anyone else who has lost someone they love.

I'm glad the day itself wasn't as bad as you feared LittlePink, and that there was lots of talk of your dad. Talking about our lost loved ones is important.

Yes, Christmas will be hard, I'm sure. I found the first Christmas very difficult. My way of 'managing' that was to make sure my OH didn't expect too much from me- I warned him in advance that I was expecting to find it difficult and to please bear with me. He was great and I was able to go off and have a cry in bed when I needed to, without it spoiling everyone else's day. You'll get through it, but you have to just take it as it comes.