DD's Dad and Ex-p died this week

[Loveisashadow]

My DD is 6. Her dad and my ex p since she was 18 months old died in a house fire this week. There was a significant age gap between us (37 years) and in the end, he was a drinker and I stopped him seeing dd for the last 6 months of his life because of his drinking. He had a fairly good relationship with her before that.

The fire was caused by a lit cigarette. He was in hospital for a week, and I went to see him several times. I went in a couple of hours before he died and said my goodbyes too.

He had no family. Myself and mutual friends are organising the funeral and contacting his many friends. He was a real characther, and eccentric.

My DD seems OK for now- arranging counselling for her. This is our second loss this year:the first was my Grandfather on New year's day and now this, her Dad.

I had depression after my Grandfather died. Then it turmned into psychosis. My dd had to live with friends while it was treated. Now this. I don't know what to think, feel or how to be. Or even if I'm allowed to grieve. It's all such a mess.

Yes, I'm sure you are still in shock. My dh died suddenly in July and it still isn't quite real.

If they are allocating a coroner, does that mean an inquest? I think they will open and adjourn and release the body, inquests can be a long time coming.

Glad you cpn is visiting, and you are sorting some things slowly. That is progress and even a small thing every day is good. I can relate to tired, I lack energy most days and don't do half as much as I think I should.

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm guessing it must be an inquest, yes. The death was unexpected, so I assume so. The hospital did say they'd refer it to the coroner, due to the circumstances.

My dd is really struggling. She has been throwing tantrums, struggling to finish her homework (it still isn't finished, due in tommorow too) and is very aggressive with me. She's also been taken out of class and put in a special group, some sort of confidence building, only found out today. I'm worried she'll fall back at school. She's only 7.

My dd who is 16 has been on a very short fuse too which is not like her. I would not worry about your dd falling back at school, some countries don't start school until 7, homework should be very little and fun at that age. Can you sit down together after eating tonight and do it together? I always left mine to their own devices, but in the circumstances, talking her through it so that it is done might be a good idea. Confidence building can only be a good thing, opportunity for more individual attention too if it is a small group.

I keep wondering where my dd has gone!
She's so angry, said today that she hates life and wishes she were never born and so on. She did her homework this morning in the end.

The inquest opens next week-as you said, they will release the body and then let it continue. The coroner rang today to try and sort things out; the funeral service has been reffered to social services.

I'm not doing at all well today. I went to see his best friend (visiting our city from elsewhere to help with things) and he was very upset. He thinks that because I was so very young and he so very old when we had my dd (19 and 58 respectively) that he took advantage. I agree- we met at a time when I'd just tried to end my life aged 18. It is a very difficult thought to come to terms with. The relationship was quite abusive too, and I'm so, so exhausted.

I could just sit and cry. I don't know how my life ended up like this. It's horrible.

You can't change the past. You are going to have to find a way to work through these emotions, pick all the bits up of your life and your dd's life and carry on. There will be better times, I promise. In a way you are in a bit of a limbo until after the funeral/inquest. All of your experiences make you who you are, I have got to a place where I try not to regret anything, even being sectioned years ago because I can't change it. That said, if you have recently been unwell, you need to prioritise your own health, because then you will have the strength to support your dd through this difficult time. Try and plan something to do with your dd, there will be autumn leaves soon, I used to love jumping in them when I was your dd's age.

Have a cry if you need to, it is a natural emotion in your situation. Are you managing to get any exercise? I find that 15 minutes walking outside always lifts my mood.

Thinking of you xx

My friend said the same thing to me about regret. I think I am still very unwell and that there are slow improvements, but it is, by the very nature of depress ion, incredibly slow. My dd goes to school a fourty minute walk away, so I'm all good with exercise :) I used to love that with the leaves too. She enjoys collecting things, pine cones and conkers mainly. I haven't really cried yet, though I feel like it. I have that horrible stuck thing in my throat, have had it ever since I had depression. It's horrendous, feels like barbed wire. Have taken dd to school, now got loads to get on with in the house and shopping, but so so tired. I haven't been sleeping well, and I think it's just that bit more challenging because it isn't grief so to speak, but a whole complicated loss and relationship to come to terms with.

Yes it is a slow process. Snapping out of it is impossible. Slow is good though, you will get there. Glad you are walking your dd to school. I know it is hard when the weather is bad, but it is quality time to spend together and talk things through. You can tell her that you are sad about her dad, and listen to her. Try and remember the positives - sounds like the relationship was uneven, but you don't know what would have happened to you without him and you can't change the past so just try and rejoice that you have your lovely dd out of it.

Remember you don't have to be perfect just good enough. Plan what you are going to have for food over the weekend and don't try and do the whole house at once. Rest and do a little bit. Try to pick your battles with the house and chose something you know you can do in half an hour and then reward yourself with a cup of tea or something.

Whatever you are feeling is valid, being angry is a common emotion.

I've been for a walk with my ds this morning and he seems quite positive still which is great. (He has been depressed and put on loads of weight since dropping out of uni)

xx

Hi, sorry that I didn't reply until now- it's been a busy time.

That's good you have been out with ds, and chatted to him. Do you think he might return to uni next year? I dropped out when I was 18, went back as a mature student and got a first. I don't think my course was right for me then, so there are options for the future if he wants them.

I had a really good cry yesterday, and was nearly in tears today. What about I have no idea.

No worries about replying straight away, I'm trying not to spend all day on the computer - it is good to have a space to chat now and again.

I've been in tears twice today, little things affect me more than they would usually.

I've been through grief before - my dad, cousin, 3 uncles, 2 grandmothers, a couple of fairly close friends and some slightly less close ones. Everyone says I'm doing marvellously, I don't know how they know really, they can't see me when I'm on my own. I guess they mean that I am holding it together and still going out a bit. When my Dad died, it didn't really hit me for a number of years (!) but I had a breakdown after a year when I lost several people including a favourite uncle who was a bit like my Dad I suppose. I had treatment for depression but it didn't agree with me and I think my psychosis was drug induced. What ever it was it was terrifying and got me sectioned. I learnt a lot from the experience, one thing that I need my sleep and exercise. One reason I have been coping this time is that I have given up caffeine. , I forgot to ask for decaf today and I think I have had at least one if not two real coffees. I think that may have something to do with why I am not fast asleep at the moment.

I have been so careful over the years since, not drinking to excess, sleeping and exercising and doing my own sort of mindfulness - living in the moment and not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future too much. I managed to get back into work, and have been well for over 10 years. Sorry, I'm rambling.

Ds came out again today, walked 2 miles this morning and about 1.5 this evening to see friends so I am really pleased he is making progress. He is not yet ready to go back to Uni, but think he may be in the future.

Well done on your first! That shows dedication. You will get back to work when the time is right.

How is your dd doing? Hope they haven't given her too much homework this weekend!

Oh,I couldn't give up caffeine!
There's no rush for your ds to go back, he has mitigating circumstances and so will be able to get his full loan still, if he does want to in future.
I am pleased to hear you went back to work.
I am dedperate to, but am really really struggling today. Did a 2 hour workshop yesterday, and today I could barely get out of bed and became so consumed with housework and everything that needs doing that I didn't even get dressed. I don't feel as though I have made much progress with it eithier, as there is still so much to do. Feel like I might just snap over something really trivial.