DD's Dad and Ex-p died this week

[Loveisashadow]

My DD is 6. Her dad and my ex p since she was 18 months old died in a house fire this week. There was a significant age gap between us (37 years) and in the end, he was a drinker and I stopped him seeing dd for the last 6 months of his life because of his drinking. He had a fairly good relationship with her before that.

The fire was caused by a lit cigarette. He was in hospital for a week, and I went to see him several times. I went in a couple of hours before he died and said my goodbyes too.

He had no family. Myself and mutual friends are organising the funeral and contacting his many friends. He was a real characther, and eccentric.

My DD seems OK for now- arranging counselling for her. This is our second loss this year:the first was my Grandfather on New year's day and now this, her Dad.

I had depression after my Grandfather died. Then it turmned into psychosis. My dd had to live with friends while it was treated. Now this. I don't know what to think, feel or how to be. Or even if I'm allowed to grieve. It's all such a mess.

Shitting hell. I'm just offering a hand hold.

You are allowed to grieve - for yourself and dd. What you have to do now is make sure you watch for signs of your own MH. DD will really need you now so please make sure you look after yourself.

Horrible situation and I hope you and your baby get through it. X

Here's my hand to hold. Of course you're allowed to grieve. For the waste of a life, for your daughter, for yourself. What a sad situation....

DP's dad was an alcoholic and, from what I understand, when he died, DPs mum really had a long period of grieving. They'd split up years before, but it hit her v hard.

There's no such thing as being "allowed" to grieve.

Sending hand holds

It is a waste of a life. I've been contacting his friends as I knew lots of details others didn't, and they have all been lovely and supportive. Some have sent photos for my DD, which I asked for. I wanted to help her to understand his life. I phoned his ex-wife and she was lovely, too. She said yes to the photographs when I explained what they were for. Everyone has been so nice, but it is a horrendous and horrible situation. He didn't even leave anything to pay for his funeral.

That is a lot of pressure and stress for you as much as your daughter. I would speak to the people who helped you before and keep an eye out for any signals you are wobbling, share these with your friends so they can keep a caring eye on you too.

Of course you can grieve for him. He had a big impact on your life - a child.

When I loose a loved one I like to think of these somewhere which would make them happy but with no mobile or Internet so we can't talk anymore. For example a tropical island, relaxing in the sun. Really helped me. Might help you or your dd.

I'm still under CHMT. My episode was May-August so it's only been a couple of months since I've been trying myself straight and better. It was such an unexpected shock, I think I'm still in shock really, and have been so busy that it hasn't really hit me just yet how hard it's going to be to get through.

He was a musician: all of his friends say he's having the time of life in a bar somewhere!

You seem really self aware which is great.

Be kind to yourself. Don't push yourself too far.

Those bars never have good reception. I bet he's having a great time.

My ex, dd's dad died 4 years ago, dd was 10. It was very sudden and unexpected.

I felt like you, I didn't feel able to grieve but you have every right. You have a child together, you have shared history, presumably you loved him once. It's really hard to allow yourself to grieve as you hold it together for your child and their huge loss. I still haven't grieved properly, I feel like it's going to burst out one day.

I used Winstons wish recently, they were fantastic. The counsellor helped dd make a memory box but we had nothing to put in it. I wish my dd had something of her dads, anything just to hold that belonged to him. She would love that too so if you can get something for your dd I strongly recommend it.

Of course you are allowed to grieve. So sorry to hear of your loss. xx

Good idea about the photographs. I got lots of digital photos printed for the first time for my dh's funeral, I'm glad to have the albums to hold onto.

He left some things for DD- in a bag, that he had put to one side for her. It has his jacket, some photographs and other things in it. In all honesty. we think he planned it as there are so many subtle clues that he did; but the fire investigators said it was an accident.

It has just hit me today, really. I couldn't get out of bed and found it hard to do anything. It was quite traumatic, as I saw him when he was in hospital, the flat, and visited him in his final hours.

I feel so alone.

Do you have a friend who can come over for a chat and a hug?

Not at the minute, and I've got all the uniform to sort out (I'm quite lazy that way!). It's hard because we were going through the courts as i stopped him from seeing dd in the last 6 months of his life. That was on account of his drinking really. Just after my pyschotic episode, he took me to court see her and we'd reached an agreement for supervised contact.

We were amicable about it; had reached a stage where he was going to see dd supervised at a contact centre, and I was OK with it. The reason I stopped contact was because as he drank more and more, he became unsafe (as evidenced of course, by the fire) . I feel incredibly guilty. Our mutual friend once said that if I didn't let them have contact then I'd regret it because he'd be dead some day and I'd regret not letting them see one another.

Don't hold on to the guilty feeling. Guilt is a normal part of grief.

Supervised contact had been agreed for good reason, you were making sure that contact was safe. I am glad that he left some things for your dd.

I'm not surprised that you are finding it hard to do anything, it is such a shock losing someone you care about, and spending time with him and seeing the flat after the fire must have been so traumatic. Have you had the funeral yet? How are you and your dd today? xx

I'm sorry for the loss of your ExP. even though things were difficult it is still a huge shock. My H's parents were alcoholics and I saw the conflicting feelings he had before they both died (while he was mid twenties) because he loved them but felt responsible for them and their selfish behaviour. You were trying to protect your DD and yourself. It's not ever an easy decision though and you need to be gentle with yourself about this. Xx

Not doing too well with it today. Was really struggling, my friend came round for a bit. I was very upset, and I'm not sure how to explain it, but a really sore throat and wanting to be sick.

It is hard. Very very hard. And my friends are absolutely tactless. Well, our mutual friends anyway.

I don't really know how to handle the upset, if I'm honest.

I can only relate to when my dad died. I had very up and down days and so did my mom. I think there isn't a way to handle it other than keep trying to do the normal things like eat and sleep and wash and then work the rest out as you go along. I'm glad your friend was able to come for a while.

Some people don't know what to say or do and it's really hard. Have you set a date for the funeral? Those arrangements are draining.

It might be worth considering talking to someone yourself. Cruise are very good.

I'm not working full time at the minute because I'm still getting better with my depression, so I do have a bit of space. I wish I could though it is very ealy days, I know.

No date for the funeral yet. I've just about managed to get dd to school as I barely slept last night. Need to tidy up and have a bath then sort out some things I'm doing for a workshop on Saturday. It's nearly sorted.

We have been trying to sort out the funeral as he left no will or even money to pay for it.

Such a lot to do. So hard when you are not sleeping, so make sure you have a rest during the day.

Have you sorted the money for the funeral or have you thought of applying for a funeral payment from the social fund? social fund form In the event that no one sorts out the funeral, I think that the hospital will have to provide a public health funeral? A diy funeral is another option, if one of his friends has an estate car/van costs can be kept down that way, this is perfectly legal, but of course more work.

Hope it all becomes clearer soon and that you enjoy your course at the weekend, that should be a break for you.

xxx

All of his friends have said to do a public health/ welfare state funeral. I don't think anyone wants to do the organising really, as he was a bit of an eccentric person but by the end had no responsibility or morality. He was, at times, very difficult to get on with, and that has certainly coloured his friend's reactions after his death with regard to his funeral and so on.

One of our mutual friends had a sexual relationshipip with him on a few occasions. It was suggested that he would be in the chapel of rest, a couple of his friends have asked to see him.As myself and this mutual friend are making arrangements, I asked her what she'd like to do about dressing him. At first, she suggested a jacket that I thought of, too, no problem. I then checked my texts later that day to find that she had also sent me a text suggesting he might be dressed in a pair of her knickers and leggings underneath his trousers. I don't quite know what to make of that.

! We were told by the undertakers that cremation regulations mean that only natural fibres are allowed:

"You can choose to dress your loved one in a gown or in their own clothing for their funeral. If you wish for them to wear their own clothing then clothes made from natural fibre such as cotton or wool should be chosen. We also ask that any footwear or miscellaneous items are removed from the coffin prior to the funeral due to cremation regulations."

So leaving aside the weirdness of that suggestion, It might not be allowed.

Public health is not the same as social fund. Social fund may not cover all the costs. Public health is usually under contract from the LA/hospital and only a basic funeral will be provided. Have you got an undertaker? Will your dd be part of the service? You can do pretty much what you like at a funeral these days, it does not have to be a religious service, but music, poems and readings are usual.

Yes, I thought the same- I was asking her about choosing some of his own clothing as some stuff was saved from the fire. But I suppose a gown, it's just weird to think of, especially given my friends' suggestion. Of course, I said no. What sort of thing is that to suggest?!

It will be a LA funeral as no one can pay, so a basic funeral. That means there is a funeral directors attached to the LA that does all of the work. I checked that online. I have organised 2 readers and chosen the music based on friends' suggestions already; though I suspect everything will go against my wishes when they all meet tommorow, as I can't be there.

If I suggested my DD be involved in any way then I'd be accused of something or other by this mutual friend, I'm sure, so I will just to leave them to it.

I don't know why, but I feel like an absolutely awful excuse for a Mother: I chose this relatonship, I chose to have a child and now I've had 2 deaths in a year (the first was my Grandfather in January), psychotic depression that only really stopped a bit in mid-August, and now this. I'm on benefits, and that's taking it's toll because I don't even have money for my meters this week (they will run out, I'm sure) and have been too unwell to work since I graduated in May. I was just getting over things, and now this. I feel as though, as much as I love her, I made a mistake in bringing DD into the middle of all of this. Part of my depression is that I have really horrible pain, too. I've been in pain all day today and need to go and get DD in a bit and find the cash for busfare to take her to dance class after school.

I feel like such a horrible Mother.

I have made it to dad's dance class, but I feel so horribly depressed and numb. Feel as though I'm using this loss to use people because I asked my friend to borrow some cash She didn't reply so I said is OK have sorted it and I'm so sorry for asking, but had to ask some one. I couldn't feel more guilty right now if I tried. She was a lovely friend to me, but i think I've overstepped her boundary of kindness. I really really shouldn't have asked her and just don't know how I ended up in this mess in the first place. Sometimes I feel as though I basically chose the wrong man and now he's gone and I'm left on my own to explain everything and why I did what I did. I've lost most of my friends to my illness because I can't get on with people, mutual friends make weird requests like that and now I'm so scared that my dd will turn out messed up. No matter how much I try, there's always something and its my fault. Unwinding never got into this mess in the first place.

Well done for getting dd to dance class. It is very early days to process this loss and all the more complicated due to the nature of your relationship. You have a lot to cope with recovering from your mh episode. You do seem to prioritise your dd, you are not a horrible mother, I'm sure she will be ok. We don't have to be perfect mothers, just good enough. It does take time to get back to 'normal' after illness, it took me a long time, but I did eventually get back to work and rebuild my life. Maybe your friend did not see your message before you said it was ok?

x

Hi, she did yes and then said it was fine, we could have talked abut it! My CpN came today: she thinks there is a smal improvement, but I don't think I'm well enough to look for work as I seem to go in phases. She said wait until I'm ready (or when I'm bored she said would be good!). I think my depression makes my mind spiral quite a lot, and very, very tired. A realy complex loss isn't really helping me at the minute: though I am managing to get some things (very slowly, a bit each day) sorted. I just get so, so tired.

They haven't allocated a coroner yet, so think it will be a little while longer before we can make plans. Some of his friends are meeting in the pub tonight, but I don't think it's going to be a good idea as it will only upset me more. Do you think it's possible to still be in a little bit of shock? It doesn't really feel real at all.