Advice on how to sort possessions and clear MIL's house

[pigwitch]

My MIL died suddenly 8 weeks ago. It has been left to DP and I to sort out her things and clear her house to either sell or rent. We have been to the house several times to try to sort things but DP finds it difficult and is upset for days after. He has brought boxes of things back to our house but cannot let go of them ie. take to charity shop etc. We have the plastic hospital property bag containing nightie, slippers etc which I can't get rid of for fear of upsetting him but then he can't throw away because he can't bear to think about it. Any advice on the best way to help DP?

I think I'd keep the hospital bag for now, just tuck it away somewhere out of sight.

Can you offer to go and do some part of the sorting without him, since he's finding it all too raw at the moment? Maybe something like her clothes, that don't have sentimental value. Or the stuff in the kitchen.

Things like jewellry or photos, or ornaments she had out on show could come back to your house, or just be left there until the house sale or rental gets sorted out.

8 weeks is very little time, specially when it was unexpected.

Sorry for your loss. you will be feeling upset too. This isn't easy and no order that suits everyone.

We have done this twice with parents houses. For my father in law, I was firm that we had a deadline to have the house cleared. he had been a widower for many years. Very practically I was able to name a deadline because it was around this time of year and I didn't want to be responsible for an empty property through the winter. Sadly my husband couldn't part with anything at the time and loads of household contents were stored in our garage for quite a few years until he realised that most of it had deteriorated beyond being useful to anyone. Similarly when my father died, although at a different time of year we used the same tactic of setting a deadline. I was able to donate loads to charity. Boxes in the loft but now only two from each house

It is very hard but I was grateful that neither lived in social housing with a very short deadline to remove belongings.

The sheer volume can be overwhelming , I can relate as I helped my mum clear out my grandmother's house and she never threw anything away, this probably had something to do with living through the war !
Can you take photos and create a photo book of some of the things you like but are not able to keep ?

I am sorry for your loss.

can I suggest a box for ALL photos, to be sorted when everyone feels ready? Ditto small mementos.

with clothes, the best thing is to get to charity/house clearers ASAP, and it may help if you offer to do this as someone more detached. Perhaps also enlist the help of those who say 'is there anything we can do?'. People often do mean this so take them up on it.

It's difficult, I still have things of DMILs (eg a draw of table cloths some of which she probably embroidered) that I don't want and am never going to use, but 13 years after she died I don't want to ask DH if I can throw them out. I have a pile of too old to use classes too.

It's very difficult when someone dies suddenly not to hold on to things or as in this case just find they were in the dresser.

There are local charities who do things such as house clearances. They take the stuff to their big warehouse to sell onto members of the public who have little money but need household items.

I would also, if possible tell your dh that you will organise it etc so he does not have to constantly revisit the house. Perhaps one more time for you to get the essentials but that is all.

Sorry for your loss

I was in the same situation just over two years ago. Fortunately I managed to persuade DH that we couldn't fit the contents of her house into our house. We started with clothes - on the basis that you can't reasonably be expected to keep them as who would wear them? I remember opening the door to the wardrobe in her bedroom and finding that the rail had collapsed - it was almost as if she was giving us a sign! We were also fortunate that she had moved house about ten years earlier following the death of DH's dad so there wasn't as much stuff as there could have been. I got dh to think about what he wanted to keep - actually I find the things we have are a lovely reminder. It would not have been a lovely reminder to be unable to move in our house for all her stuff. All photos and albums have gone into bags to be sorted through later (this has still not happened I wonder if it ever will). We gave some items to friends as mementoes - ask grandchildren if they want keepsakes (not sure if she has any) - it helped my dh to think some of her stuff was going to a good home to people who had loved her and who wanted to remember her. I spent a long time talking to dh about the fact that all this stuff was not his mum (who I really loved too). His mum is always with us in my dh and our children and in our hearts. I think it was quite therapeutic going through everything - a way of working through his grief. I think it is important to get on with it though - hard as it is to get rid of stuff I think it's harder if you hold onto it because it takes on a new significance if that makes sense. I would try to resist bringing it back to your house unless you are actually intending to keep it yourself. Sorry to be so long-winded - your post really struck a chord with me. It is such a difficult time.