Dh died in July, without warning.

[jchocchip]

Finding it hard to believe that I won't see him again. We met at University and had been married 25 years. Three children, youngest 16 so we had been finding more time to do things as a couple again. We had plans for the future. A new kitchen to design, the extension to rebuild, places to visit. I know I moaned about him, he wasn't perfect, but he was very supportive and did his best. I miss him so much. I tried to go back to work, but couldn't concentrate so I have been signed off sick. There is so much to do with paperwork and also I have to respond to a complaint that I have started with the hospital who were dismissive when he attended a & e the morning he died. I don't know how long it is going to take me to sort out all the formalities and feel able to go back to work.

Thanks for all the condolences.

leaking I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and your mum. Was your mum's death unexpected too? What a shock. My mum couldn't come to my husband's funeral, she is a long way away and cannot stand at all, she has been on full hoist and able to do very little for herself for the last 4 years since she broke her leg. I found it hard not visiting her until after the funeral, but there was so much to do.

How old are your children leaking Mine are 22, 20 and 16. It is difficult to know whether to make them go for counselling, they say they don't want to. I have an appointment for myself, but it is not until the end of October. I seem to take a long time getting going in the morning, I have managed to do a few things today, but not enough really. Cry most days, there is always something starting me off

I feel your pain OP. My DH died suddenly and unexpectedly almost 6 weeks ago leaving me alone with a 3yo and a 2yo. In my case the fact that I wasn't there when he died makes everything seem so surreal. I think I swing from being in complete denial to complete despair. It's going to be a very long and difficult journey but sometimes it helps to chat to people who understand what you are going through. I hope you have lots of support in real life x

I'm sorry to hear of your loss Mcyorkshire1 It must be so hard with little ones and I hope you have lots of rl support too.

I wasn't with my husband when my daughter called the ambulance. I drove back from work as fast as I could but although they were still trying to resuscitate him when I got back, my dd said she thought that he had already gone. There was no response when I spoke to him and they carried on for 20 minutes or so but it was ultimately futile. I'm not quite in denial, but don't think that it has hit me yet. Sometimes I think that he is going to walk in through the door, and many things set me off crying. Today it was the sight of my octogenarian neighbours holding hands as they walked down the street and my cousin's wedding anniversary. I have good friends around me and my dear mil who is also devastated at the loss of her only son.

Oh heck Mcyorkshire1 I've read your other threads and seen what happened. I understand what you mean about surreal. I see that you have only just had the funeral. Sending you lots of love

My dh's funeral was a month after he died on 15 July. After the funeral I took some annual leave and then tried to go back to work to "get back to normal" but I couldn't do it, it just brought home to me how everything has changed. gp has signed me off sick, and I have a counselling appointment booked.

Hi choc
My mum had been in and out of hospital since dh died. She really went downhill rapidly towards the end so it wasn't a huge shock but upsetting all the same. She was 79.

My 3 are 13, 17 and 21. My eldest turned 21 in August and it was a bittersweet day. They seem to be coping ok. School have been brilliant with my youngest. The loss of their nan hasn't impacted on them but in time I'm sure it will.

Mornings are so difficult aren't they? I have a panic attack every day just as I am waking up-hence the beta blockers but as the day goes on I feel more able to cope.

I hope that you find counselling of help. I haven't gone down that route but may do in the future.

Still cry most days but have taught myself to take deep breaths if I feel myself getting upset when talking to colleagues, neighbours etc and it helps to feel more in control of my emotions.

Struggling with this time of year. People talking about xmas just makes me want to curl up in a ball and howl. This time last year we knew he had health problems but were told that it was treatable and for a few months it seemed they were right and we breathed a huge sigh of relief and got on with our lives only for it all to come crashing down in January this year. An illness so rare it fooled us all and killed my big strong h in weeks.

Im getting very teary writing this so will stop now.

Just thinking it would be a good idea to start a new thread for newly widowed parents. More of my story is on a thread called 'update what would anyone else do' with a lovely lady who recently lost her husband. Maybe we should all get together on another thread and try to support each other.

mcyorkshire I am so sorry for your loss. Things must be so difficult right now. Do you have any rl support? X

Hi leaking losing your mum on top of your dh must be so hard. All the firsts without them like birthdays to get through. I can't stop thinking "this time last year"

I had a look at that thread, you both seem lovely.

The other thread I saw was Recently widowed looking for similar which does seem to have quite a number of people on it.

The school have offered to have a counsellor come in from a bereavement charity to talk to ds(3). Apparently he is less patient than usual. I know they were only trying to help but I just felt really guilty that I haven't helped him enough. I think that's my overwhelming emotion at the moment, guilt over absolutely everything. Do you think that's normal?

Yes, it is normal to feel guilt over everything, but it is not your fault.

I feel guilty that I didn't argue with the doctor when they sent dh home from the hospital in the morning, guilty that I went into work and told dh that I didn't know how to help him - I left him at home with my ds 22 and dd 16 and his mum nearby so he wasn't alone and the doctor had pretty much told me he had indigestion. I can't change anything though, so I am trying to let it go.

It is very early days for your ds, not surprised that he is less patient than usual. It is not your fault. You do your best, and that is good enough, you will get through this in time. I would accept help through the school, with little children will it be art therapy and talking through emotions?

Hi Choc. My advice is take your time. It is 2 and a half years since my husband died aged 50 and me 48. It was expected but still awful. I function quite well now but miss him terribly especially as both my children 21 and 19 are away from home now. My son stuggled and wouldn't talk so it was hard.
I went back to work very reduced hours for a few weeks at 8 weeks past his death but I think it was too soon.
We missed our 25th anniversary by 100 days.
Take care

Hi Musicalthearemum thank you for posting. I'm sorry to hear that your husband died young too. Sorry you missed your silver wedding, I'm glad we celebrated ours the way we did as we had no idea that he was going to die. Nothing every prepares you for this, does it?

I have a dd who is 20 who is at Uni and it is hard to know how she is coping, though she is home for the weekend and seems ok. I am worried about ds, but he did go out with friends last night, it was the first time for this group since his dad died and I guess that was hard for him/ all of them. Dd 16 went out with friends and was very upset, but I think that this was possibly a good thing as she has been bottling things up, her friends are a lovely crowd and supporting her.

I really thought I would be ok to go back to work after the funeral. I took a week holiday and then tried the day after dh's birthday, about 6 weeks after he died. I am glad I tried, but I only managed 2 weeks and I wasn't very effective. GP signed me off and I have to see him again befor I go back. There is still something everyday that sets me off. Yesterday bumped into old friend who we saw a few days before dh died and I went for the first time to a place where we watched the TdF together.

xx

Oh just now a chap came and knocked on the door to try and sell me an aerial photo of my house. It was taken early July, and I could see that dh had been working on the last 3 of the raised beds that he put in his Mum's garden along the road (he did 9 in total) Could see the purple sprouting and the peas growing. I didn't buy one, I would have if dh had been out there digging! Maybe I should have got a print for dmil of her new house. Just brought back a load of memories...

Hi everyone. Really struggling at the moment. Everything feels bleak and life just feels like too much effort. Vivid dreams that it was all a mistake floor me over and over again. Hope you are all finding strength somehow x

Hi leaking sorry everything feels bleak. I am worrying about the complaint to the hospital, and thinking about the resuscitation. I do find it very hard to get going in the morning, but I had to make sure that dd got to school. Ended up driving her today, but have told her that it is the train tomorrow. Anyway that means that it is quarter to 10 and I have not made a start on the kitchen, though ds has unloaded the dishwasher. I am supposed to be doing some decorating with a friend today, but don't know if that will work. I'm still not drinking caffeine and seem to get to sleep ok although wake up at about 5am and of course then the cat thinks it is time to get up... Have bought a kitchen timer and keep setting it for 15 minutes so I don't while the morning away on the internet.

Hi Jane. I've stopped drinking. It was getting to be something I was struggling to control. The downside is insomnia but I hope it will settle down. I drink decaf tea and have been drinking gallons of it the last few days.

I've still not finished my complaint to the hospital. I want a meeting with Martins consultant before I go further. My job for this week is to email him and make an appt. Also sorting out mums probate. The form is a bit daunting but im working on it.
Still finding mornings a struggle and have been quiet at work today. Like you everything triggers precious memories. Hope to feel better tomorrow. Take care Julie x

I don't drink much and my friend is doing soberoctober so I will miss my drinking pal. I'm trying to make a point of drinking enough water and remembering to eat. Some days it is easy to forget to eat or drink all morning.
I've mentioned the pension form to my dmil so she will no doubt remind me later in the week.
I failed to do any decorating, but did load the dishwasher, do some washing and cooked tea. I also made an appointment with my gp and ordered my repeat prescription so not too bad.
Just feel so tired all the time

xx

So sorry OP and Leaking, I am 3 1/2 years down this path. We also met at university and had 3 DC, 20,17 and 15 at the time. My DH left for work, he was a GP, and the next thing I knew the police and one of his colleagues were at the door saying he had died.

I too felt that loss of reality at the time but gradually the paralysing fog cleared and it all became real. Eventually things do get better though now we still feel the pain of the loss but also can remember his quirks with amusement and his love with joy.

We had a long path of misery until my DC were ready for counselling, DD2 took an overdose before she was ready to face the root cause of her sadness. But now we are all moving forwards.

Like many sleep is the biggest problem, I still find it hard to sleep, hence posting now. Initially I self medicated with wine!! But now I just try to rest when I can and eventually I hope this will resolve itself.

There are no simple solutions but it does get better and I never thought this would happen. Good luck.

Hi Agggghast your story sounds familiar, I think I may have "met" you on a tamoxi thread 3 years ago. xx

My dcs don't think they need counselling! My dd (16) is bottling things up and her friends are looking out for her but she had a big upset last weekend. DD1 is away at uni and seems to be managing ok at the moment. Ds, surprisingly, is appearing to pull himself out of his depression which he has been in since dropping out of uni a while ago. He has been out a few times and is making plans to lose some weight and join a society, which is a start.

I'm ok on the surface but don't feel ready to go back to work yet. So much to sort out for a start, but I am so forgetful. Twice this week I have left an electric ring turned on on the hob after cooking. I need to do more, keep intending to do some exercise but still struggling to get going.

Hello jchoc hope you are coping, I have not been on the tamoxifen thread since my bc returned, avoidance therapy I am afraid. The only advice I have is to be kind to yourself and be proud that you can actually get up and face the day. Good luck to all the widows, it is a hard trek but eventually you can just focus on the happy memories however heartbreaking.

jchocchip - just wanted to pop on and leave my condolences. I can't imagine how hard it must be. Thinking of you x

So very sorry to hear of your awful loss, jchoc - how are you and your children doing now? x

jchoc

How are you holding up? The paperwork is relentless isn't it.

I can imagine how angry you are with the hospital, been there, done that and it's yet another thing to deal with when you are least able to.

Take care
X

I've been feeling guilty about dropping out of mn. I locked myself out and couldn't find the password. I still can't get into the email account where the reset email goes :(

To update, Yesterday was the anniversary of my husband's death. I took three days off work and didn't expect too much of myself. I went and got a bit drunk on Tuesday evening which helped, a short bike ride on the day itself. I was weepy later in the evening and this morning, but this evening have been quite happy looking at old photos.

I'm still in counselling which is helpful, I go and cry on my counsellor once a week.

The children seem to be ok, mil was not doing well yesterday, but generally she is keeping busy and making new friends.

I have not proceeded with the hospital complaint, I have not felt up to it. Have got a copy of the pm report recently.

I didn't want your post to go unanswered.
Keep going, you grow around the pain. The pain is still there, but you grow around it. I have found that your whole personality changes and coming to terms with that is very hard.

Well done for getting through the first year. Although it doesn't get any easier, the pain changes to a dull ache rather than a sharp pain.

Leave the hospital complaint if you think that is the right thing to do. No point in coulda shoulda woulda, concentrate on working on getting your family to enclose in a circle of less people.

Hugsxx