Returning to work after stillbirth

[LakeOfDreams]

Just wondering what other people have done. My baby girl was stillborn about 2 weeks ago, she was 9 days over due. I had a normal birth and needed a couple of stitches but apart from the ultimate outcome it was quite a straight forward birth although she was our first so I have nothing to compare it to!
The midwife told me I had to wait until I'd had my 6 week post natal checkup to return to work, my job is very emotionally and physically demanding. However I can't just phone work and return, they probably need a months notice to roster me back in. I'm also probably being stupid but we aren't having the funeral until Tuesday and I'm worried work will think I'm crazy to start talking about returning so soon but I'm going mad at home.
I'm having one to one counselling and the counsellor said to return when I'm ready but how do I know?
I can ask to return more gradually to work, for example starting off with shorter shifts but as the main earner in our household I can't afford to have a drop in pay.
I'm thinking I should go back the middle of October which would be after my 6 week check and hopefully after our post-mortem results.
Also does anyone have any suggestions on what to fill my time with? It's been one of the worst things apart from the guilt is trying to fill all this time, just hard having maternity leave with no baby. People keep telling me to take up a new hobby but we don't have much money to spare. I'm trying to make sure I go for a long walk every day to keep busy!

No real advice but just to say im so sorry for your loss of baby. You sound like you're doing so well.
Take care xx

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a daughter.

It's very early days for you and I think right now I wouldn't even think of work just now.

People mean well, but unless they have been there, it's hard to understand.

Have you been on SANDS forums or been in contact with them? Very helpful support and advice from those on the journey.

You should be entitled to full maternity leave and the pay that comes with it. As your job is so demanding you may well struggle to cope before you've had time to grieve more for your baby. I'm no expert but I know it must be awful for you. Would counselling help?
Not sure what to suggest to fill your time. What sort of things do you enjoy? Is there any little jobs you've not had time to do that you could sort. I've got a load of wedding photos that have sat in a box for 6 years waiting to go in an album waiting for me to have a day free to sort them! Anything like that??

I always post this link www.gowinthewoods.com it's a special place for baby lost parents. Sorry for your loss. If you really want to be busy but can't go back to work just yet, how about volunteering?

So sorry for your loss

You say you work shifts, who do you work for? I'm sure as you've gone full term that you would probably qualify for full maternity leave, and perhaps you should at least take some of it. I appreciate you feel like you're going a little stir crazy, but once you have had the funeral there will be nothing else..... Please take the time to heal yourself.
I hope that helps.
X

I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter.

Legally you are allowed to return to work after 2 weeks (or 4 weeks in some jobs). I think you have to give your employer 8 weeks notice of returning from maternity leave. Once you go back you have no right to go off again - could you try some days designated as KIT days to see how you get on?

Emotionally I think you should be cautious of going back. My friend had a stillborn daughter and went back after about 8 months. She found it very difficult although had seemed to be coping as well as could be expected before she went back. She ended up leaving and starting a new career.

Go easy on yourself. Again, I am really really sorry. x

I am entitled to all of my maternity leave I had agreed to go back in March but my husband went back after a week and it's hard work being home alone. I am having specialist still birth counselling from the hospital which is helping and I have been in touch with sands. I just want some normality and routine back in my life.
I'm an intensive care nurse, I'm sure I could use some of my KIT days to see how I feel or use them to gradually return to work.

Oh lakeofdreams I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. I lost my dd at nearly full term in August 2011. I tried to go back to work January 2012 after 4 months mat leave + 1 month accrued holiday but ended up being signed off sick for a further month so had 6 months off in total plus a phased return.

Do take care of yourself - I understand the urge to keep busy but don't underestimate what you've been through xx

I am so sorry for loss I can't imagine what you must be going through. Please don't go back just yet.

Sorry for your loss. I lost Dd1 neonatally in 2012. Going back to work is a big step and everyone is ready at different times.

I understand the need for routine and normality and I initially wanted to go back quickly. Luckily I waited for 2 months then did a phased return. It hit me quite hard at the start and could not have gone back full time straight away.

It is hard being at home without your baby but give your self some time to grieve. Only you know when you will be ready but I would really recommend a phased return.

Take care.

I am so sorry. I had five months off after I lost my DD in similar circumstances (10 years ago). I would gently say it's too soon. Especially to go back to something as physically and emotionally full on as intensive care nursing.

I can only tell you what I did then - what I can remember. It's a blur because of the shock of course. It might be totally different for you but in case it helps....

For me, I knew that I was desperate to have another baby straight away and the pregnancy had taken it out of me health wise so I spent the time "in training" to go through it all again. I went swimming every day as soon as I was able which really helped.

I also did some beauty treatment things (vv unlike me) as a way of healing my relationship with my body. (Though in fact I think I never blamed my body for what happened so it wasn't really necessary. But it did help to mark what had happened, physically to me)

And I thought very hard about what it would be like to come into contact with babies and had a very quiet and thoughtful visit to a friend's baby in a private and a safe space that I felt comfortable with but could face my fears.

Please don't expect too much from yourself at the moment. This waiting at home time is very hard.

Hi Lake, this came up in my active conversations. Only you can know what is the right thing for you. My DS was stillborn in Sept 2012 and I went back to work mid January 2013 on a phased return for 6 weeks. I then worked part of the week from home when I was back up to full time. I found it very very hard to go back to work, BUT I didn't like my job and I know others who have found work a relief and a temporary distraction from the grief. Do you have a sympathetic boss you could talk to about your concerns?

I too, lost my first daughter to stillbirth.

As someone gently said above, don't return too early. You're entitled to maternity leave but if you go back to work and it is too much, you can't go back onto maternity leave.

I returned about 10 weeks after my daughter died. It was too soon, dh and dm thought I needed to go back to work, but I needed to come to terms with my grief.

Grief is a long journey. Do lean on sands and other organisations to help you and dh. My daughter would be 9 in January and I have gone on to have a further 4 dds. Still, not a day passes when I don't think of her. Life has pretty much returned to normal, but I never forget. (((Xxx)))

My son was born premature and died at 10 days old. I went back to work after 6 weeks because I too needed routine. Being at home on my own and bored was doing me no good. If you think you're ready then yes, go back.

I found it very, very hard. My concentration was dreadful, I made silly mistakes which I never should have made in a million years, I had absolutely no confidence, I couldn't hold conversations with people as I just had no 'small talk', I had no patience with people and found just the effort of 'being' very tiring. I've always been the one that people came to with questions or problems so I found the lack of patience really hard to cope with. I get very angry, very easily and I've had to walk away from situations on several occasions so I don't lose my temper, again, this is nothing like who I was before. I've had to take time of 'sick' for the days where I just can't get out of bed or can't stop crying. Having said all of that going back was the best thing I could have done for me at the time & I would do it exactly the same way again if I had to.

My work were great and supported me, they didn't expect too much of me and eased me back in gently. They listened to me when I said I couldn't cope/do things and worked around that. I had to learn to be very honest with them as they had to be guided by me. I'm nearly a year in now & I will never, ever be who I was before but I'm able to work without excuses needing to be made or hands needing to be held.

Good luck, and take things at your own pace

Hello Lakeofdreams,
How are you doing? I'm so sorry to hear of your loss....I have also travelled this awful road. Those early days of raw grief are so incredible hard. I understand your temptation to return to work but if you are on paid maternity leave, then maybe you should consider giving yourself a bit more time. I stayed off work for 8 months after my darling son was stillborn at full term in July 2012. I found grief completely exhausting, particularly as Christmas approached....I think spacefrogs description of how tough her return to work was speaks volumes. I spent the time decorating to occupy myself....nothing fancy I just painted the bedrooms. Remember, it's such early days for you, the only thing that really helps is time....take care of yourself x