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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Lost my baby

20 replies

nimitor · 04/04/2004 21:24

Two days ago I lost my baby at only seven weeks, I feel so bad because I didn't know I was pregnant and was on holiday with my mum son and sister and drank two bacardi breezers every night and smoked 4 or 5 ciggies as well . I feel I killed my baby and feel so bad. Does anyone else feel like this...sorry to everyone who only lost their baby through bad luck I know it was my own fault.

OP posts:
Heathcliffscathy · 04/04/2004 21:29

nimitor, please please don't blame yourself...the likelihood is it had nothing to do with you or the bacardis...i know it's hard for you to hear this, but it really probably was just one of those things that can't be pinpointed to anything that you did...this is an awful time for you, but i think 25% of pregnancies miscarry before 12 weeks...i'm so sorry, but please don't be so hard on yourself...lots of love x

Hulababy · 04/04/2004 21:31

nimitor - I am so sorry to hear your news. But it isn't your fault (((hugs))). Don't blame yourself. These things sadly happen and it is highly unlikely that you could have contributed to it. I lost my baby at 7 weeks. I hadn't been drinking or anything, but it still happened.

Please stop blaming yourself. Allow yourself to grieve for your lost baby without guilt. Don't beat yourself up over it.

If this is really getting to you can you go and talk to a HV/MW or GP? They should also be able to reassure you.

Take care of yourself.

bunny2 · 04/04/2004 21:32

Nimitar, the alcohol and cigarettes DIDNOT cause you to miscarry. Lots of women smoke and drink before they know they are pregnant, I did and had a perfect son. Since then I have miscarried twice despite living like a Nun. Feelings of guilt are perfectly natural. After my second miscarriage I was convinced I had somehow killed my baby and the guilt was enormous. It went and I became more rational once I had grieved for my baby. I think we only understand the agony of miscarriage once we have been through it, sadly lots of us here have.

wilbur · 04/04/2004 21:32

Oh nimitor, it wasn't your fault. Please don't think that. Many, many people smoked and drank before they knew they were pregnant, that was not what caused your miscarriage. I lost a baby a month ago and was convinced it was my fault but many wise words here helped me realise it was just one of those sad, sad things. Talk to your doctor, she will tell you the same and I'm sure you will go on to have a healthy baby in the future. hugs{}

Spod · 04/04/2004 21:34

i'm so sorry for your loss. please dont blame yourself... most of us do 'bad' things before we realise we're pregnant...i know i did. chances are it wasnothing you did or didnt do, honestly. i'm sure that if you'd known you were pregnant you wouldnt have drank/smoked, so you are not a bad person... you just didnt know. dont punish yourself. lots of hugsxxxx

suzywong · 04/04/2004 21:40

Please don't feel that it was your fault nimitor
I smoked and drank with my first pg before I knew and had a mc at 9 weeks and blamed myself for months, It is natural but not productive.
I now have two lovely boys and I did have a couple of fags and wuite a lot of drink before I knew I was pg with ds2 and he's absotlutely fine. What I mean to say is that some pregnancies are just not viable, like trial runs, so please don't torment yourself, just get healthy and try again
HTH

Original poster
nimitor · 04/04/2004 22:47

Thanks for your kind words perhaps it will help later,I just can't cope with going to the toilet and everything at the moment.My mum is trying to help but I feel I have let her down as well, I feel so guilty aND SO ALONE even though I have family around me, I try to protect them and I just want to be pregnant still.Is it normal for my boobs to still hurt, should I go to the E.P.U I cant face being told the baby is definately gone although my G.P said it has.

OP posts:
mummytojames · 04/04/2004 23:28

nimitor i went through the same feelings as you and all i can say is its part of the healing process i know it dont feel like it i had to purposely kill my baby because of medical reasons and i ended up in a mental hospital please dont push yourself as far as i did i doubt the barcardi or cigs had anything to do with it because i smoked and drank through my secound pregnancy and eveything was fine so no its not your fault and always remember were always here if you need to talk or if you wish email me with you email addy and we can talk personaly
sory for your loss big hugs

gingernut · 04/04/2004 23:52

nimitor, I'm really sorry you've lost your baby. Just to reiterate what everyone else has said - it wasn't your fault. I too felt that my m/c must have been because I had something to drink before I knew I was pregnant. But in fact it was probably just bad luck. It will probably take a long time before you start to come to terms with this, so be kind to yourself and don't expect too much of yourself for a while. Have you seen the miscarriage association website ? You might find some useful information there.

With respect to symptoms of p/g still being present, I know the pg hormones are supposed to persist in your body for a while after a m/c, so this may be why you still have some symptoms. Has your GP advised you to take another pg test in a few weeks to make sure? I know they sometimes suggest this. If the symptoms don't start to fade within a couple of weeks I would go back and check with your GP. Sorry I can't help more - my circumstances were rather different (I had a scan when I started bleeding so I knew for certain).

Take care.

busydad · 05/04/2004 00:07

sorry to hear about your miscarriage. it must be a horrible feeling. take time out. try not to make any big decisions in the near future. allow yourself to come to terms with your loss over the next few months. please accept my best wishes.

sibble · 05/04/2004 03:27

nimitor, like everybody says please do not blame yourself. It is natural/human nature to need to find a reason for a miscarriage. I know I did when I had mine at 8 weeks, I blamed the new kitten, gardening without gloves, over doing it at yoga and eating lots of nuts (DS has a nut allergy) but at the end of the day (and a year later) I accept that it just happened. Churning things over in your head and looking for answers is part of the healing process. Allow yourself time to grieve, if the pregnancy symptoms don't ease, see your GP or EPU and Try to focus on each new day instead. it will take time but it does get easier with each new day.
My thoughts are with you and be kind to yourself

hewlettsdaughter · 05/04/2004 07:59

Nimitor, sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I can only echo what everyone else has said - don't blame yourself. These things happen. I know saying that won't be especially helpful right now, as it's happened to you - but you can get through it. Get some leaflets from the Miscarriage Associatiom or ring them up and ask to speak to someone.

Azure · 05/04/2004 08:40

Nimitor, so sorry to hear about your loss. I had a miscarriage at just under 12 weeks last year and also looked for reasons why it happened. Unfortunately it's just one of those things - as the others have said, you are not in any way to blame. Unless people have had a miscarriage it is difficult to understand just how distressing it is - mine was certainly the worst time of my life. Please don't feel alone on this - there is lot's of support here on Mumsnet.

marthamoo · 05/04/2004 08:56

nimitor, like everyone else has said, it wasn't your fault. Something like 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I drank and smoked before I knew I was pregnant with my first son - he was fine. I subsequently had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and I had done everything right. Sadly, some pregnancies just don't work out. Please don't blame yourself, it is natural to want a reason but mostly we will just never know.

leander · 05/04/2004 09:34

nimitor,I am so sorry you feel like this I know exactley how you feel,But to reiterate eveything that has been said it is not your fault.{{{{{hugs{}}}}.

bunny2 · 05/04/2004 19:49

Nimitor, how are you?

Original poster
nimitor · 06/04/2004 09:29

Hello all,I'm ok really bunny2, thanks, It helps having so much support and to know others have felt the same.I am supposed to have a pg test "just to be sure"this week.I am still bleeding though and losing watery stuff as well so I don't think I'll need to
It took me 4 years to concieve the firt and 3 years for this one....think I'll stick at one!
Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
bunny2 · 06/04/2004 20:36

So sorry. It is so cruel to lose a baby when you have waited so long to conceive. I took 2 years to get pg after my miscarriage only to miscarry again. It makes you wonder why some people have it so tough. Keep in touch.

juniper68 · 10/04/2004 08:43

I'm so sad for you nimitor xx

Please don't feel guilty, you didn't cause it. People have taken heroin all through their pregnancies so the little bit you did won't have caused it. I was like a nun with my second miscarriage and still lost it.

Sending my love and prayers to you hun xx

papillon · 10/04/2004 09:16

I live down the street from a heroin centre (here in Switerland they give it legally to people) I have seen one woman pregnant and she already has one baby and other who has had twins. Amazing.
If u do ever think of trying again and are interested there have been some threads here on Mumsnet about reflexology and acupunture helping with conception and with helping to prevent miscarriages.

All the best and take care.

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