Stillbirth underway - unable to cope

[madal]

Hi

I hope you can help. My sister is now giving birth to her baby which died earlier this morning at 40 weeks.

I really don't know what do or say. My husband is being lovely, but I obviously can't contact my beautiful, lovely sister until this is all over. But what can I do then?

I also have a six year old daughter who asked earlier when her new cousin is coming and I didn't know what to say.

I can't say anything becasue I just start crying. I can't stop.

What can I do? I want to be the best person in the world for my sister and her husband who I love more than anything but I have no idea what I can do? How can I help?

I hope she never reads this as I don't want her to know I am a mess - she is the one who has to cope with the biggest hole you can imagine in her soul for ever.

But they had everything ready for this, their much longed-for baby - the nursery, toys, clothes, names and everything. A real baby. A person.

How can I help her? I don't know where to start. She has been through so much in her life already this is just so unfair and I am scared for her.

Can anyone help?

Any advice on how I can tell my daughter what's happened?

How can I be useful in this time of awfullness?

Sorry to be so sad. I hope someone can help

Could you go and see your sister and her baby? I only have photos of my stillborn baby to show my family as only one of DH's friends saw him, and sometimes it would be good to have someone to talk to about how beautiful he was.

I'm so sorry.

Give her every opportunity to speak about it, every opportunity to cry not just tomorrow but indefinately.

The support is always great to start with and then people draw a line and never mention it again.

my mums first baby was still born i am dd2 there were lost of photos of her and in the photos was a pink teddy that she lay next her before she was taken away, my mum chersihes this teddy it is something to hold and cry in to rather than just a picture that gets covered in tears, she still grieves 27 years later

SANDS are a fantastic help, as Mears has already said. I found that I needed help with all the practicalities - planning the funeral, putting the obituary in the paper so I didn't have to explain everything many times over when I went back to work, replying to cards from friends and family etc. I also really appreciated my family coming to see me once the funeral was over, and everyone else had gone back to 'normal life'. Just being there at the end of the phone for your sister will mean so much. Thinking of you, your sister and your family.

Just remembered something else that helped. We bought two identical teddies; one went in our son's coffin, the other we have on a shelf in our bedroom. It is comforting to us to have that link, and our other children like to cuddle the bear sometimes, and think about their brother. We talk about him often.

If there is anyway to go and see your sister and the baby, then do it. She will be in shock now and in the months to come, this time will be a blur for her. It would be great if there was someone else to talk to her about what the baby looked like. Someone else who had held her baby and shared in the experience.

Encourage them to spend a lot of time with the baby, days if necessary, until it feels time to let go. Tell your sister, there is no right or wrong way of going through all of this and she should do what feels right for her. Tell her that the baby lived for 9 months with them and how you all also celebrated their joy with them and will now share their sorrow and support them.

Take hundreds of photos - close-ups of beautiful little hands and feet too. The hospital should do hand and foot prints too.

Encourage people to send flowers and write. It is so hard to know what to say, but your sister will crave for people to recognise the existence of her baby. She will need you to talk about the baby over and over in the coming months. You won't want to mention it at times in case you upset her, but not mentioning the baby will secretly upset her more.

Perhaps you can liase with the hospital to find out what happens next in terms of any investigation. Write down what medical staff tell you. Your sister will need a record later when she is ready to hear it. If you have any trouble, the hospital should have a Patient Advice and Liaison Service to help you (PALS).

Your sister should also be offered ongoing counselling - encourage her to go along to talk.

The issue of a post-mortem will come up. It is a horrible thing to contemplate, but it might then provide answers when considering future pregnancies.

Funeral homes are usually really good with families in your sister's situation and usually provide most of their services for free.

Anyway, Madal, I do hope this helps. I too have been a sister in a similar, desperate situation.

Oh and another couple of thimgs before I go to bed.

Don't rush in and clear away the nursery items.

Make calls for your sister, letting people know what has happened.

Their is a great book available through SANDS, called 'Living with Leo'. Read it yourself. It will give you an insight into what the next year of your sister's life will be like and help you to be aware of the process of grieving she will be going through.

Wow - it is really late - sorry about the typos in the previous post.

I'm so very sorry, madal. I too love my sister very deeply and I can only imagine that this is almost unbearably painful for everyone concerned. I so hope that through your love for her, which is so very claer and obvious and touching, you will find whatever way helps most to support her at this dreadful time.

Oh I feel so for you as a loving sister who just wants to be there to help at such a very, very sad time.

I know I only wanted to be by my sisters side when her darling baby died. It's only natural you want to be close to show your love.

Don't be afraid to grieve yourself, for your loss as well as your sisters, it's very real, and the outpouring of grief will help you to be strong for your sister and her husband when you see them.

My thoughts are with you all x

madal If you're able to get on the train to see your sister, then get there as soon as you can, and be prepared to stay a couple of days if that's possible.

She will feel totally numb for a very long time.
Take a good camera and get as many photos of the baby as you can.

I lost my little boy over six years ago, and i really wish i had pics of his hands and feet in my hand (to show the size) and many more close up photos.

Why don't you buy two identical soft toys, one to stay with the baby and one to give to your sister.

Another good gift would be. one of the baby's first curl silver boxes (usually sold in jewellers, or argos sell them).

I'm sure your sister would love to keep a lock of babys hair.

It would also be lovely for her to have a couple of the baby outfits that she chose so that she can choose what she wants baby to be dressed in.

Even a baby shawl or blanket as well.

When my sister came to see me, she tried so hard not to cry in front of me, but as soon as i started to cry, so did she.
She said she was trying not to show how she felt so as not to upset me.

One of my other sisters couldn't make it to the funeral and never called the day before cause she didn't know what to say to me.

I'm so close to her, that not speaking at this sad time made things so hard for me.

Even if she'd called and we both cried together on the phone, would've meant so much to me at that time.

Have you called the hospital to see how your sister is progressing???

Under the circumstances, i'm sure they'd let you speak to her, just to tell her that you're thinking of her and that you love her and will always be there for her.

Don't forget to take lots of tissues with you.

Forgot to say, let her talk about what she's been through and what her baby is like and who baby looks like, etc....

You also might find it easier to tell your daughter after you return from seeing your sister (if you go).

Otherwise you'll be telling your child what has happened and then leaving her so you can see your sister, and then your partner will have to deal with all her questions and how she is feeling.

Hi everyone

My sister's beautiful, perfect baby boy was delivered this morning weighing nearly ten pounds.

She is already talking about the future, and that's a sign of just what a wonderful person she is. Amazing. She nearly died a few years ago and has suffered illness and loss all around her - and then this. And yet she can still look forward.

How many of us have that much courage?

So lovely to hear from all of you. I am still crying today, (you should see the puffy eyes!) but I feel my darling sister is back with me now and I will help as much as I can - now and forever.

We talked to my eldest daughter about her cousin, but I am not sure she really understands. Time will tell. We've told her she can ask about it any any time.

And I'm going to buy those books you recommended too!

madal. was thinking of you all today.
hope you manage to get some rest tonight. xox

was thinking of you and your family too. does your nephew have a name yet?

Madal - I have just caught up with your thread and am now sobbing for you and your sister and her beautiful baby boy. The whole situation is so, so tragic.
I am pleased that your sister is trying to be positive but never a day will go by that she doesn't think about her son.
I don't really have any more to say - I just wanted to send you all my love.
Lindsey

Madal just want you to know that i'm thinlking of you all.
Your sister has a long road ahead of her, and an awful lot to get through in the next few weeks, organising the funeral for her special little man will be one of the hardest things she'll ever have to do.
You both sound so lovely, but you must all allow plenty of time to grieve.

What area do you both live in?

I don't know if you've ever heard of the Child Bereavement Trust?

They help families who lose a child, or help children that have lost parents.

There is also a cemetary that is for children only.

Please take care. xx

I'm sat here in tears, as this has brought back all memories of how i was when my son was stillborn.

On his tiny coffin we had a few words that said his name, the date and the words Born Sleeping.

I also went to visit the cemetary where he was to be buried, before his funeral.

This really helped me a lot.

Might help your sister as well.

So sorry to hear of another sad loss. I lost my daughter last year at 24 weeks pregnant and it was awful. I cannot imagine how greater the pain must be for your sister having gone all the way through her pregnancy.How cruel is life?

I can only repeat was was said here and that is to acknowledge her son as if he was here with you today. So many people refer to my daughter as 'the baby you lost' or the 'miscarriage' but she had a name, Philippa and its so important that to me that she is acknowledged.I had some many kind words at the time but those who remember her with me 16 months on just by talking about her,are those people who truly support me

So sorry to hear about your little nephew DO you have no idea at all what happened ?

If I were in your position (I don't have a sister but do have 2 brothers), I would be on the train on the way there now. Even if your sister and her husband feel they want time alone it will be a comfort to them knowing you are there to go to the shops, make tea and when they are ready give hugs, cry and support them.

So so so sad

Hi

My sister is home now. They had two days with their son in their room I understand.

I cannot imagine what they are going through.

She has said that she is not yet ready to talk, but will be soon and that she does not need us there right now. She and her husband have the greatest love - you have to see it to believe it - so I think she is as okay as she can be. She clearly understands my and all her family and friend's desperate wishes to help. I will see her soon.

We understand it was quick onset pre-eclampsia, in that the signs were spotted and she was brought in for induction. She was past her due date, but then, in the night, her litte boy gave up the fight.

Her perfect little baby boy Oscar was born asleep and his name shall always be top of mind.

We all love her and her husband so much. This is the worst pain. And if you knew her life story, you'd realise that she is, quite simply, the most beautiful, caring, lovely person who has unfairly had so much misfortune thrown her way already. And then this. The most awful thing that could ever happen.

I love her and her DH so very much. They are beautiful people and this world is blessed by their presence on it.

x

Madal, I'm so sorry to hear about your family's loss. My thoughts are with you and I hope you can draw strength from each other during this time.

God bless Oscar and may the angels watch over you
xxx

So sorry to hear this news madal. It is perfectly understandable that you will be upset yourself as this baby was to be your niece/nephew and as you have a child yourself you can imagine the heartache the death of a child would cause. You just have to be there for her and acknowledge her grief. I haven't been in this situation but have had friends miscarry late. They said they would prefer to talk about it then not talk about it and acknowledge the loss.

Depends what you want to say to your dd. I have always been quite open with my children regarding death (granparents dying etc) and generally saying what happened. I think it is okay for children to see us sad and mourn the death of a loved one. Other people prefer to shield them a little more. I will be thinking of you and your family.