Help needed re dealing with my 4 year olds questions

[nikki48023506]

Hi all. My Mom passed away 5 years ago before my DS1 was born. He is 4 now and is becoming increasingly inquisitive about who/where his nanny is and why she is not here with us. I try my best to explain that she is in heaven with the angels etc. He is asking more and more about her all the time - sometimes I cannot deal with his questions because the things he asks can be upsetting for me. I want her to know as much as he needs to, but how do i explain certain things to him? It seems that my explanations are not always satisfying what he wants to know.

Help please!

it all depends on your ds, but I have always been 100% honest with my dd (5) who like your ds is inquisitive about death. Both my parents are dead, my mum eons ago, my dad when she was 3 and a half.

This might be too brutal for you, but my dd understands that we all die someday and if you don't do 'awful things' like smoke, you'll live longer. She has spoken about me dying and about what would happen to her and her sister etc.

I never went down the heaven route, but that's personal choice, I went for the 'it means we won't see Grandad again, but we can think about him and remember things about him', and she accepted it.

She's never gotten upset, she is very matter of fact about it actually.

I should add though that it is a very difficult subject to know how to handle...

I had to tell dd about death when she was 3 afer my mum's dog died, and I decided that I would tell her the truth, as far as I felt she could understand it. I told her that sometimes, when an animal is really, really old or really, really poorly, their bodies can't work any more, and so they die. It means we can never see them again, and that makes us sad, but we can still think about them all the time and remember all the happy things about them. Her next question was whether people died too, and I told her that they did, but reinforced that it usually only happens when someone is very old. She's now 5 and has asked questions about death since, and we simply deal with each question as honestly as we can without going into detail that would upset or frighten her.

We didn't go down the angels in heaven/stars in the sky route because I don't believe it, and because like most children dd is very literal; I know that if I had told my her that people who die go somewhere else, she would want to know why she couldn't go and visit them and when they were going to be coming back. For me it didn't feel as if it communicated the finality of death enough and I felt that telling her about angels sitting on clouds would confuse her with concepts that are even harder to understand than death is. I'm sure that's different for someone with a religious faith though.

My DD 2.8 asks all the time.. My mum died in December so I have explained that nana is in heaven. We get the same questions over and over.. Where is nana, etc. And usually followed by I miss my nanna, you miss your mummy don't you.. Don't worry, I'm here mummy...

It makes me cry, but I don't hide it at all. We then talk about my mum (what DD remembers) and then asks about DHs mum and dad (who she never met). then my dad (who she never met).

She has asked to go to heaven, but I just explain that we don't go there until we die and I don't want either of us to die just yet!! and laugh about that...

She doesn't really understand, as she sometimes says that we will see nana soon. I think she has dreamed about her as sometimes she says she has done something with nana that I know that didn't happen. (like nana took me to nursery)etc when DD didn't go to nursery until my mum was very ill etc.

Nikki, I don't think it is bad for your DS to see you upset sometimes, and it may well help you in the longterm talk about your mum etc...

I guess I am lucky as I do believe in heaven etc, so just explain to DD what I believe etc...

Someone had a thread on here the other day about her MIL giving her DS a book on death. I don't think it was a good book but someone else on the thread suggested a good one. I will look for the thread.....

Thanks everyone for your replies - they're all really useful. Typically, he hasn't mentioned anything today!

I don't think Josh grasps where my Mom is at all. He constantly asks the same questions, which implies to me that he is not taking things on board. I am just going to play things by ear now. I don't like getting upset in front of him because it breaks his heart and part of me thinks if I start crying in front of him about my Mom, I may never stop.

Part of me really struggles too cause my husband's Mom is very hands on with both of my kids, and his side of the family are constantly saying how great a Nanny she is and how she would do anything for her grandkids. I really struggle to bite my tongue cause I feel like saying "My Mom would be exactly the same if she had the chance". Harsh I know, but I really miss not having her around.