Good friend has had a still birth

[jofeb04]

And I dont know what to say, do. How can I help her?
She rang me to say it had happened, and I am devestated for her (as she and her family are). I can not imagine going through it.

Should I buy her a sympathys card, or a thinking of you type card? Should I buy her something to remember her child buy?

Any help is appreciated.

Oh God.

Does she live near by ?

Thats so sad

How far gone was she?

Perhaps just buy her a card? A friend of mine had a similiar experience and I was going to buy her a flower/tree but dp talked me out of it as he said she may not want to be reminded of it.

I didn't mean the baby btw when I said 'it', I meant the whole experience.

Happened to a very close friend of mine in January.THE most important thing for her was that her dd was recognised as an individual,spoken about and remembered.We had a funeral for her,visit her grave,talk about her and look at pictures.

i don't really know what to do in exactly this situation, but i would just offer to listen and then, when she doesn't call because her head is spinning, text her and tell her that you were thinking of her and fancy a chat and will be phoning in ten or so minutes.

i think sometimes people need to talk but they don't know how to start, but also they need to have the option of either psyching themselves up to talk or of ignoring your call, iykwim?

when shit things happen, ime, you get a lot of people offering to listen, but very few are in it for the long haul. in a year's time she'll still miss her baby, and she will probably need to know that she can talk about her loss as a continuing and very real thing. in ten year's time and in twenty year's time the same. she's a mum now, even if, tragically, her baby died.

so while i wouldn't necessarily lay it on too thick, i'd try to acknowledge that somehow and make sure that in a few month's time, when everyone else has fallen away, that you are still there for her. it's terribly sad...

She was 22weeks pregnant, not to sure exactly what happened. She lives an hour away from me, but she wants to be on her own for a while with just her, her dh and her dd.
Shes already got an 8month old dd, and just got use to the pregnancy really.

I was thinking about some sort of rose, but I dont know how she would feel

Sorry no advice for you. just wanted to send my condolences to her and her family.

TBH i think at a time like this all you can do is let her know your there to listen should she need a good cry or a chat.

If you do get a plant, make sure it is a hardy one - you don't want it dying at the first frost.

hi

my best friend had 2 still born babies some years ago now and the 1 thing I learned from her over the whole experience was that she wanted them to be remembered and talked about. She found it very hard when people just said nothing or talked obliquely about the experience. She wanted their names to be used and for them to be remembered. Even now, 14/15 years later she still tells people she had 5 children but that 2 of them died. She's very religious and I'm not so I felt at a loss as to what to say but I remember forcing myself to acknowledge these babies existence because to her they are always a part of her life. I don't know if this helps at all..?

Thanks for all the advice. Im finding it hard to understand it all, so can not imagine what is going through her mind tbh.

She know's I'm here, and she is texting me quite often, so hope thats helping her.

Hi when my Dad died and people sent flowers it meant so much. A little arrangement in pastel shades with a little teddy or something would be very special. We didn't really mind what people sent or said or wrote in their cards, but the worst thing of all is when people were too scared to even say they were sorry and didn't mention it at all. That was very hurtful. Maybe even a tiny soft toy that her other child can play with. My aunt lost a baby at 18 weeks and it already resembled it's father closely, so I'm sure the baby was very real to her. Doesn't really matter what you do, just don't ignore it.

I lost a baby at 19 weeks and agree with the other posters that the most important thing is to recognise her baby as an individual. Certianly send a card or letter - your idea of sending a tree is lovely, I think. There are quite a few threads on this which it is worth reading.
x

On the first anniversary of my babys death my friends gave me a framed certificate from the 'Star Registry' They had a star named after her and you also get a star map so that you can look at the star if you want to. The certificate is very beautiful and 12 yrs on from her death I still have it up on my wall. It was a wonderful gesture and meant alot to me. You can send her a card and be there for her it might help to let her know about SANDS a group of parents whose babies have died. They are very supportive as they have all gone through the same loss and can understand what you are going through. It is also very helpful for the dad as everyone thinks of the mother but the father is grieving too and often can't express it. My DH found it was the only place where he could discuss his feelings with other men and feel comfortable letting his guard down. Your friend will need alot of support in the future and it is so much more difficult if your child has never 'lived' as such. She will probably want to talk about it again +again+ again just listen but also think very carefully about what you say. The 'helpful' comments I had to endure was 'she is in a better place'- 'never mind you can always have another one' - 'it was for the best there was probably something wrong' I'm not saying you would say these things but it is very easy to offer helpful advice that actually makes the bereaved parent want to hit you!! Just listen, hold her, cry with her, speak of the baby don't be embarrassed she will appreciate the ackowledgement that her baby existed and mattered. Thats all I can give you hope it helps.

is your friend religious? a friend of a friend of mine had a little boy die in utero while his twin sister survived. they are catholic, as am i, so i got a particular kind of mass card and put the little boy's name on it which meant that his name would be read out loud at mass and he would be prayed for every day for a year. she sent a message back to say that she was touched by it.
i think the star is a beautiful idea, or some other kind of dedication that tells the world that 'here was a being who we loved who was lost to us' iykwim?

i also want to say that i am very sorry to hear of the terribly sad losses that many of the posters here have endured.

This is such a sad thread. My sympathies to all on here who've gone through misscarriage/still birth. I lost my baby at 16 weeks and like everyone else has said it was so hurtful to have it brushed under the carpet. I think people mistakenly think that you need to be cheered up and that any mention of the baby will make you crack up. It's the opposite in reality though. There aren't many things in life that cause more pain than your child dying and you need to cry, scream, shout and curse for as long as it takes. I remember good friends bring pizza and wine round to cheer me up and it made me feel gutted.

You're obviously a good friend to the family to be on here getting advice. I think that's great.

I'm not sure whether you should buy anything. I wanted to buy a tree but couldn't bear the thought of it dying. Then I toyed with the idea of a pretty box with a teddy and soft blanket but I wasn't up to going out for a while and it just didn't happen. It would have meant a lot if someone had done that for me.

I think Aitch and toofatmum have given wonderful advice here. Use the baby's name and express how sad you are that he'she died, and let her talk. I don't think there's anything else that you can do. It's all just so sad.

When i lost my son over 6 years ago, most of my family found it so hard to speak about him. They still do.

I don't want to keep bringing his name up in conversation, in case they don't want to talk about him either.

I still miss him all the time and visit his grave with my other children.

I already had one child before he died and have also had two more since.

Lots of people said to me at least you still have the first one.

I'm sorry, but he's not the consolution prize, iwanted both my boys to be together.

I remember getting some flowers sent to the house, and i just threw them on the floor.

I cried and cried and said, my baby dies and i get more bloody flowers than a florist!!!

Sorry for rambling about me.

Buy your friend a card telling her that you're thinking of her and her family, and that you'll always be there for her, whether she wants to talk, or to sit and cry.

Has she buried the baby yet?

You might find a nice little outfit to bury the baby in would be appreciated.

She may not feel like going out, but remember that the baby will be very, very tiny and you'll have to look in the baby dolls section.

Also, tell her that when she's ready there is a trust called The Child Bereavement Trust, who are absolutely brilliant, and will help her and her husband.

I lost my second daughter last April and when I mention her people look embarrassed or give me 'that' look like I am mental or morbid

Its so important that you recognise that she has had a baby and acknowledge that she is a mum (I am not sure if this baby was her first sorry)

so very sorry
x

Thanks for all the advice.

She went to the doctors yesturday (sp?), and has got counselling. Thankfully, they have placed her at the front, so next week she's got an appointment.

Thanks for the info about SANDS etc, I'll pass that onto her.

If there's a worry about the tree dying, you could have a tree planted in a forest in the baby's name - you get a certificate etc.

This is one place you can do it.