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Original poster

DP really low - any suggestions?

14 replies

fisil · 23/03/2004 08:10

I have never seen him like this. He says he is down about work, and I might be clutching at straws here, but I wonder if he is just totally worn out by all the support he has given me over the past few weeks.

Does anyone have any experience of their man being really low after m/c, and are there any special things I can do to help him?

OP posts:
Mummysurfer · 23/03/2004 08:20

my dh was very low the other week - very different reasons - but the advice i got on here worked perfectly - i'm off tro take the kids to school but will post a link to the thread later.

fio2 · 23/03/2004 08:21

fisil(()) no experience of this as such, but i would say just talk to him and make sure other people acknowledge he has lost this baby too. It must be really difficult but men do often find it hard to talk to other people about things - whether it be their choice or not. I know when my sister died my husband was devastated but no-one ever asked how he was, only how I was. He was mourning the same as me, but was never acknowledged as greiving too IYKWIM

you sound like a lovely couple and I hope things start looking up for you soon, but it will take time

Mummysurfer · 23/03/2004 08:22

easier than i thought

hmb · 23/03/2004 08:26

Poor you, and poor dh. It is as much his loss as yours, my love, and men often find it hard to cope in emotional situations. I don't have anything I can advise, I wish I did. Things do get better with time, even though it doesn't seem possible. Make time for lots of cuddles.

Hugs to you both.

Original poster
fisil · 23/03/2004 08:30

hmb, I am so glad to catch up with you - I didn't want to get bogged down in that OTHER thread, and I couldn't find your thread. Big hugs my love ((((())))). You are so kind to be here looking after me, I was very sad when I heard about your week from hell. You give your family big cuddles too. I'm pleased your school has been so supportive to you - makes a difference, doesn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
fisil · 23/03/2004 08:31

and thanks ms, that link had some very good ideas which I will try.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 23/03/2004 09:40

Oh fisil I'm so sorry - I didn't know you had had a m/c. Biggest hugs to you and your dh.

And in answer to your question I think that it may well be that he has been so busy supporting you that he has neglected himself and it has now all caught up on him in one go?

I would just tell him that you understand that it is just as hard for him and try and talk about it with him as much as possible. xxxxx

Marina · 23/03/2004 14:20

Fisil, I'm so sad for you both. The best advice we got as a couple when getting over the death of our unborn son was to not always rely on each other for comfort and support, as there will be times when you just haven't any more support to give. This was easier for me to put into practice than for him (what is it with many men? Why can't they unburden themselves even to close, long-standing male friends?!).
Our shared loss has brought us closer, actually. But there were times in 2002 when it didn't feel that way.
What I'm trying to say is you sound like a mutually loving couple and you are a star to think so much about his wellbeing. Like others have said, encouraging him to talk about the miscarriage to you, and to others, and reminding people he lost a baby too, will help. And the cuddles too...

bobsmum · 23/03/2004 14:30

Fisil - my dh was very weepy and just generally flat for a few weeks after our m/c. (2001). We found it helped to talk about losing our baby and the hopes surrounding that life, rather than "having a miscarriage" which seems to deny you any attachment. This sounds daft maybe, but we also called the baby "prawn" cos that's the size s/he was at the time

We had nice relaxing days out and nice romantic meals together and treated ourselves as much as possible. It was also good to have a few lovely meals at home cos then we both felt we could just have a good cry together.

Even now, 2 years on with an 18 mth old ds, I still cry over prawn but only when m/c is specifically talked about - and it needs to be talked about.

Best of luck

berries · 23/03/2004 14:44

My dh was the same when I had a m/c. He felt he had to be strong for me, and so didn;t give himself 'permission' to grieve. Also, he probably wont want to say he's upset in case it upsets you. Sorry I don't have any answers other than time, it's difficult for you both at the moment. Hugs

bunny2 · 23/03/2004 15:08

Fisil, poor you and poor dh. When I miscarried, everyone was concerned about my welfare not dh's. He coped by looking after me and throwing himself into his work but it wasnt easy for him. Perhaps your dh threw himself into looking after you and didnt acknowledge his own feelings of grief, if so, he needs to deal with them now or they wont get resolved. Hugs to you. Bunnyxx

Original poster
fisil · 23/03/2004 15:10

Thanks for all your advice. I think that a big message coming through is that my inkling was correct - that the worries about work are a bit of a cover. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't even realise that - and yes, the work issues are real ones, but it is the fact that it is getting on top of him now, and not before now.

I refer to "what has happened" rather than saying "m/c" or "losing our baby" and maybe it is important to be more open.

As ever, thanks for all your advice.

OP posts:
Quackers · 23/03/2004 20:24

Fisil, I found this the tough bit too. My DH was affected more than I had realised. The physical process of getting over the first loss took at least 6 weeks after various problems so it did take it's toll on us. We were no longer a couple expecting a baby, we were just numb for so long and talking didn't solve alot as there was only one thing we wanted and that was a baby. He threw himself into his gardening and work for a while. Gradually, we built it back up by spending time toegther and planting our tree and trying to be happy again and in a position to try again. You do get there and I feel it has if anything made him an expert almost on m/c and pgcy! We can now talk about it much easier and the babies had names (my Dad gave them golfers names). Take care and look after each other, it;s a process you're both going though that needs a little time. xxx

eyelash · 23/03/2004 21:44

Fisil - I feel so sorry for both of you and I think men in particular are affected more than we give them credit for. After our first miscarriage we too bought a flowering shrub and that whole process of choosing, buying, planting and seeing it grow really helped. My dh said he felt helpless and unsure how he should feel - he recognised logically that often the miscarriage has happened for a reason but couldn't marry that with the emotional loss of a baby. I remember him also saying that he hated the fact that I was so down each time it happened and he felt there was nothing he could do other than be there - which in itself was the best thing for me but maybe not for him. Men just have no outlet really have they.

Finally - and I understand this is probably the last thing on your mind - but where I found dh's attitude very different was in our next pregnancy with ds2 (and also with this pregnancy after last year's traumas) - he couldn't relax through the pregnancy and every time I went to the loo he would ask if "everything was all clear" - every single time.

What am I trying to say - well your dh is not alone. Could you show him this thread so at the very least he recognises you understand he is also having a hard time?

Good luck.

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