to: triplets

[candygirl]

hi triplets,my heart has just broke reading about the lost of your son mathew.i have a beautiful 14 yr old daughter to whom i could not imagine living one day without.(so cannot even begin to understand wot you must be goin through)i have had a bad week having just had my 8th m/c ,but reading your story has made me realise that even though i feel so bad right now ,i would go through it a 100 more times rather than experience the pain you have had to go through.i am now going to try and cherish every moment i have with my daughter and if we do ever manage to have another baby then that would be fantastic but if not i am so lucky to have been blessed with the daughter i have. i am so sorry on your loss of matthew,but am also so pleased for you on your delivery of triplets. take care !

Hi Candygirl,
I was just looking thru and spotted your message, thank you so much. I am just thinking that the only chance I get to talk about Matthew now is on here, thru trying to help others. Its 12 years now, so lots of people inc my family never talk about him to us, I know its not because they have forgotten, they have moved on, where as for us the endless pain and longing is there every day. I was in town this morning and I saw Matthews very good friend, he was the last person to play with Matthew, there he was all grown up, so handsome, girl on his arm, I was happy for him but how it tugged at my heart. I am soooooooo lucky to have Rebecca,Thomas and James, I never ever thought I would have a daughter, but I miss my old life, miss my firstborn, and still cannot accept that it happened, esp as we never ever found any medical explanation. I am soooo sorry about your m/cs, you must be a very brave lady to keep trying, each one brings heartache. I can only cope I suppose in believing that there must be a reason why these things happen, I had 42 good years, then have lived on a rollercoaster for the last 12 years, but lots never get that far. I have alot to be thankful for, I have 4 lovely children, good husband, lovely family, and some wonderful friends, and always the support of people like you, so thank you.

i totally agree with what cnadygirl said. when you posted on my m/c thread it helped. matthew has definitely helped me put things into perspective.

i am lucky i have my 2 boys. Knowing i cant have anymore helps me concentrate on what i do have.

cx

triplets, my heart goes out to you. a friend from my antenatal groups lost her dughter at 16 months, when she was 8 months pregnant with her second child. the other children in our group are now about to start school. it must be the hardest thing to see other people's children growing up , knowing that your child was robbed of those experiences.

Hi everyone,
Thank you all for your kind words. Yes it is the hardest thing, not only that they have been robbed of their future but so have we, we all dream of our children growing up, having relationships, getting married, having their children. I got myself upset the other day, I was turning out a cupboard and I found a toiletry bag that was Matthews. In 1993 we took him to California on holiday and unknown to us until we went to board the plane we had been upgraded to 1st class! They gave us all a leather toiletry bag and Matthew was sooooo pleased as in his was a razor, "I cant wait to shave and use this" he said. The bag was all covered in dust and it just broke my heart. I now have my wonderful trio and just pray that I will see them grow up and go on to do all the things he never got the chance to. The difference being that if any of them have children I will be a very much older grandmother, I always dreamed that I would be a young enough Grandma to help look after them, take them out, you know do all the things you dream of doing. Having the triplets at 46 also means that their grandparents are older, Harrys parents both died before they were born, and my beloved Dad did when they were two, yet they do remember him. So they have Grandma, my mum, who is 78 and has no patience at all with them! Thats life!

it must be so hard living from day to day sometimes triplets. as you say, one little thing and it brings all the emotions to the surface again.

im not sure of the whole 'believing' thing since my m/c but sometimes i do think that my little angel is up there, and when the boys are playing up, is laughing!!!

p.s. triplets..........i jsut dont know how you cope! 2 who are 11mths apart are bad enough!!!

cx

Hi CarlyP,
Well as they say 3 times the trouble, but 3 times the joy! Tonight we have had some frends round for supper and we let them stay up late to eat with us. Alec was asking them all sorts of questions and thay were answering back so grown up that I felt soooo proud of them. Then of course at 10pm they ran off into the garden and came back with a pair of copulating slugs and put them oon the table!!! It is very hard work, esp at our age, but we just get on with it, everyone tells us its keeping us young..............not sure about that........keeping us broke thats for sure!

hi triplets,just read your thread and totally understand how your feeling about as time goes by people forget or just dont talk about people anymore,my dad died 12 yrs ago and it is still so painful for me but no one else seems to understand or remember,even my brother (who i dont see much as he is in the navy)never talks about him ,my mum has got a new man and has a totally new life . i bring my dad up in any conversation i can just to kinda keep him alive (if u no wot i mean), some people who havent really suffered lost in there lifes just dont seem to understand,u have to go through grieve to understand properly i think wot people go through.my family dont understand the lost i suffer every m/c i have .i get comments like 'o your so lucky u only have the one' when their kids are playin up .people just dont think sometimes do they !
i no my story is no where near as sad as yours ,but just wanted to let you no i understand wot u mean .u take care of yourself and as for being a old gran,ok u might be older than u would like to be ,but im sure you are going to be a great gran ! take care !

Triplets can i ask you a question about Matthew??

Yes of course Helenemjay.

Hi Candygirl,
I totally understand about your Dad. I lost my Dad in 2000. There is no one in the world like my Dad to me and after Matthews death I dreaded the day that my Dad would not be here too. He had had a bad heart for years, went into hospital with what they thought was a heart attack, two days later they found cancer in four places and he died within two weeks. I just couldnt get my head around that word cancer, it had never been an option, Dad would die one day of a heart attack. It was another enormous shock. When he was told it was terminal I ran out of the hospital and just cried and shook like the morning Matthew died. My brother came and found me and said Dad wants you. Oh it was the hardest thing walking into that ward, he just looked at me and said, "no more tears Anne love, Ive watched you cry for six years and I don`t want anymore tears, just promise me". Do you know I have not cried as much as I thought, I think it was Dads death that made me feel better about Matthew, I felt that they were together, where ever that may be and that I must now get on with my life, and I have. The year 2000 when he died was a year I was dreading anyway, everyone was raving about the new millenium, Matthew would have been 21 that year, and I remember thinking before he died "what a fantastic year to be 21". But in my head he is now 27, not 14, I have had one vivid dream that he came back to me and he was grown up, a very handsome young man, blonde hair and lovely blue eyes, so thats how I now think of him, and in any case Thomas is the image of him so I see him every day in a way.

Sorry triplets had to dash of for a while, anyway, you said that you never found out what caused your dear Matthews death, (im sure that must be some form of torture in itself) the reason i bring it up is that my BIL's very close friend died a couple of years ago and he was 19, he was playing football and just collapsed and died, they discovered he had a very mild heart murmur and that in itself isnt very serious, a hard workout or excessive sports causes the heart to be unable to cope with the pressure and it just stops or you have a massive heart attack, in my bil's friends case it just stopped i think he said it was called sudden death syndrome (very much like SIDS but in older people) is it possible that your Matthew had this? my sister is a nurse and she says sadly surprisingly few people know about it! You have probably heard all this anyway, but i just thought id bring it up just in case, its bad enough to loose someone you love, even worse a child, but to not know why must be just torture, i hope i havent been to intrusive by suggesting this.

hi triplets,my god how do you carry on ,you have been through sooooooooo much.you remember mathew in a wonderful way ,sometimes people can only remember the end and that sometimes fades the good memories ,but you are able to visualise him now and thats great! i always think about wot life would be like for my dad now,i no he would have lived for his gran kids ,we were so close and i feel like i have a huge piece of me missing,he too was told he had cancer and given 2 wks to live ,but made it through longer only to die of burst appendix,which they said was a water infection huh! just like they kept telling him he had shingles for weeks when he first became ill .me like you had to walk into that hospital room and pretend i could cope ,i kinda new wot to expect as i had had dreams leading up to this,but i wont bore you with all that.my dad died at the age of 44 , its all so difficult isnt it.you take care of yourself !

Hi,
Matthew collapsed and died in my garden, he had just come home from visiting an elderly neighbour, he was found by Anna his 13 yr old best friend. The keys were beside him on the patio so he did not even get chance to open the door.The doctor said he was gone before he hit the floor, it was that sudden. His heart was examined several times, finally by Prof Mckenna at St Georges hospital in London, he is the leading light into sudden death syndrome, he could find no cause. It terrifies me that it could happen again, so my three have all had as much screening as they can do and atm are healthy. It was all horrendous, we had donated Matthews organs, but only the corneas were ever used, three months after he died, a white envelope arrived in the post, Harry was at work, I opened it and it was a copy of the post mortem report, no warning, it just tore me apart, and the last thing it said was that his brain had been removed and had been kept for further tests. We did not know, I cried and cried and got on my bike and cycled to the cemetery and sat there telling him how sorry I was that we did not know when we buried him they had done that. The doctor told me he thought it was standard procedure. I found out that his brain and heart, and tissue slides were kept for over two years, I found out because one day I got a phone call from the pathology dept asking me did I want them back now. It was so awful I cant tell you. There is so much more I could say but it upsets me, 12 years later and thinking of all those things can bring it back like yesterday. Today has been sad here to with the death of Steve Irwin. One of my boys is a real wildlife/insect lover, he has watched Steve for the last 6 years. He once said that he hoped when he grew up he could work with Steve. Only 4 weeks ago I bought him a book about Steve. He cried so much for a little boy today, he is still awake now and asked me tonight if I can buy him a picture frame tomorrow to put Steves picture in and his CD. Isn`t life so sad at times?

Just read this thread. I knew about Matthew, triplets, but not the circumstances. I can't really put into words my thoughts for you. My heart goes out to you.

Oh triplets xxx

Hi Triplets
My firstborn daughter Gabrielle was still born at birth. She would have been 12 now and I still think of her everyday. I still have her pictures up in the house and if anyone asks me how many children I have I always say 4, I have 11yr old twins and a 5 yr old but my first daugher died. It is my way of ackowledging her existance and it sometimes makes people uncomfortable but not to speak of her would be wrong. The pain NEVER goes away. I hate the phrase 'come to terms with it' as it implies acceptance. I prefer to say I've learned to live with it and thats the best it will ever get. As time goes by people do forget and that is just life but speak of him and do what ever you feel is right. A parent should never have to bury their child and it is something that changes eveything forever. I am sitting here crying for you for me for anyone who has lost a child my twins start secondary school tomorrow and every new milestone hurts and always will. Thinking of you
Marie

Thank you, all of you. It is just the worst thing, and I am so sorry that you too have known such pain toofatmum. We do live on, but you are right, we do not accept the unacceptable but learn to live along side it, for its forever there. You feel you have two lives, missing one so badly, but so glad you had it. Trying sooo hard to live your new one, feel sometimes that I am not whole, part of me is missing, but then remember to be thankful for what I have. Yes I too say I have 4 children, but my firstborn died, its filling in forms that upset me, they don`t want to know that you have lost a child, so you have to put three in the box, it makes you feel so guilty and it hurts.

Hiya triplets, im really sorry if i brought anything up that hit a nerve, i truly wasnt trying to be 'nosey' or anything, it must have been said to you ALOT triplets - that i cant imagine how hard it must have been, how hard it must still be! i cant ever even imagine unless i have been there, life isnt fair, but to loose a child is more than unfair i think, love for a child is the strongest love that exists and to have it just taken away is barbaric and cruel, any parent that has been through it, you must be the strongest people in the world! God bless your Matthew, im sure he watches over you and your family every day especially his little brothers and sister - he will keep them safe.

hi triplets .each time i read your thread i find it harder to reply to you ,wot can you say to someone who has been through so much,no words spoken can ever help ease the pain you have had to go through.(god i sound like one of those people who cross the road so they dont have to speak to you ,dont i. sorry! )but im sat here lifeless at the thought of going through just half of what you have been through,i love my daughter so much,we're going through that horrible teenager stage at the moment and sometimes i could really throttle her,but i no you would give anything to have matthew infront of you being really mouthie.
hows your other son today ? i couldnt believe it my self ,i was in bed and my dh came in and told me,its so upsetting i cant help thinking about his wife and 2 kids ,how sad.
ive gone back to work today after m/c and found it really hard as work with 2 1/2 yr olds who have baby bro/sis,it was really hard but made it through . you take care ! and im always here to listen if you need to let off steam or just babble out all those things you think are stupid to say out loud but cant help thinking or feeling . x

triplets,

I've never 'spoken' to you on mumsnet before, tbh I don't post a great deal but I just wanted to say that my heart breaks for you too, after hearing about Matthew. I can't image, and hope I never have to find out , the pain that you must have gone through and are still going through every day. It must be worse not having any explanation as to why it happened.
My bil also died young, aged 19 he was off college with flu, got up to go to the toilet and collapsed dead on the bathroom floor. I think the virus attacked his heart and stopped it or something like that. I have seen my poor parents in law suffer from his death, even now 20 years on, when hardly anyone ever talks about him.
(((((((Hugs)))))))) to you and to your little boy, who cried over Steve Irwin.

Good morning everyone,
Gosh I havent felt so loved and supported for such a long time, you are a brilliant lot. It is sooo good to know that you can let out your feelings on here, to know that there will always be someone who will reply to lift you up, so thank you. I sometimes feel reading back on my posts that it makes it seem that life is truly horrendous. That would be wrong. Yes I have suffered the cruellest loss, but as you all know we have rebuilt a new life, though never for one second forgetting our previous one and our lovely lovely child. I just think that life now will always be a mixture, ups and downs, we all know about those. I do as I have said have so much to be thankful for, what if the ivf hadnt worked, what if the donor had changed her mind, what if I had miscarried them, what if they had been born with health problems................I have been very very lucky. Thank you for asking how Thomas is, well he was pretty upset yesterday, came out of school and said everyone at school had been talking about Steve and it had upset him. I bought him a photo frame yesterday so today we are going to put pictures of Steve into it and he wants it on his bedroom wall. It is the first death that has been personal to him, they were only two when my lovely Dad died so too young to feel the pain. He went off this morning feeling more positive, so bless him. The other thing is I hope that I can always help someone else with my experience of loss, the first year that Matthew died I had no one except family and friends, and it was surprising how alot of the support stopped after that first year. I only got to know about The Compassionate Friends by accident, they then became my life line for the next 5 years and I still belong. People like Cruise came but they were talking to me about general loss, I remember one lady spending most of her alloted half hour telling me about the death of her father, sad, but not the same. So in my experience the help that has lifted me up when times are bad is help from the like of you all, even though I cannot put a face to you I know you are there. xxx

Triplets - I can't add to the messages about your loss, except to send my thougts and sympathy. However, reading the thread, I did want to say something about grandmas. You said that you were sad that you would be an "older grandma" Well,I am an older mum too and my mother is 86 and in poor health, but she is that most amazingly important part of my children's life. She can't do anything physical with them -and hasn't been able to for some time, but she is their best listener, counsellor and advocate. She is so wholly there for them that they don't notice that she is unable to walk - she reads to them, paints with them and listens to them, and is so much on their side that sometimes I get jealous! So you can be a fabulous granny - even if you won't be able to play football!

Thanks Curlew,
I shall just have to keep as fit as I can! Thanks for the article Pamina3, I do know Anne Jolly and the SADS group as I get their newsletter, but before that Anne belonged also to The Compassionate Friends group. Alot of headway has been made into sudden death since Matthew died in 94, my three have had as much screening as they can for now, they will be checked again in their teens, but everytime one goes pale or says they feel dizzy I go into panic mode. There is no history of this ever happening before in our families, so we know its not Long Q T Syndrome. I just will never know until I meet him in heaven, hopefully.