Dear Yorkiegirl & BarbieHair,
Sorry to hear about your losses. My son died this June aged 3, 2 years afer his cancer diagnosis, so my situation is different. I may have some info to help.
We did have to deal with how the treatment and disease affected his behaviour and development, just as you guys will have to deal with how losing their Dad impacts on them . When my son was a year into his treatment, I got a referral to our local hospital child & adolescent psychiatry team. I saw a psychotherapist there in principal to discuss my son, his development and how his experiences were shaping him. She helped me see the world through his eyes and get some really valuable advice about how to be a better parent to him and help him through a tough patch (he was an adorable but rather wild nearly 2 year old at the time!) I found it so refreshing to get expert advice and perspective and it really helped me. It was good to talk through the issues on an intellectual level with someone who did n't just go "oh it's terrible" and "I'm listening"!! Sometimes M/MIL and other people's comments are just are not helpful and wrong. My husband and I are continuing to see her for counselling as we've established a rapport with her.
It may be really difficult to get to see someone like that....talk to your GP. You could always go to see someone privately for a few sessions. Even if the waiting list is really long...put your name down and if you don't need it when it comes up then nothing's lost.
I hope you guys are muddling through ok....somehow I am. I'm trying to find help and support where I can.....I've tried a support group once (not great but will give it another go - have you seen Fight Club? It sounds obvious but everyone was so bloody miserable and I was hoping for a bit of laughter amongst the tears). I'm going to pregnancy yoga (yes I was 8 weeks pregnant when he died) and that is proving a lifesaver for me as it helps me stop getting so tense all the time and I've started going to church every few weeks to have some quiet time and light a candle for him, even though I don't really believe that much. I do find talking to the other Mum's I met whilst my son was in hospital a fantastic support and I think it helps that they are my age group and have or had children with cancer. We got used to coping and being positive during treatment, so I find those parents more on my wavelength.
I wish you both the best xx