Who will look after your kids if you die?

[nobodysawmedoit]

DH and I are writing wills, following birth of DC. We are both effectively estranged from our siblings (and if we weren't, they would still be the last people on earth we'd want to care for our child). DH has no cousins - I have some, but they are either a lot younger than me or grossly irresponsible. While grandparents seem the best option as potential guardians, I'd hate for DS to lose parents and then find himself either losing his grandparents or having to care for them when he's in late teens. Which leaves friends as the only option. I'm torn between some friends we see regularly and DC knows well, but whose parenting style I have some significant disagreements with, vs. some friends who are much more our style but live overseas so DC doesn't know them well.

I've been thinking about it a lot and just wondered if anyone else had faced a similar issue, or had taken on care of an orphan and what they thought about it. It's obviously a HUGE thing to ask of a friend, so they might all say no anyway! It's so impossible to get your head round the idea of someone else raising your kids at all, but I want to know everything is place should the worst happen...

We have appointed 2 close friends (with their own partners) as joint guardians of our children. My parents are in their 80s and my siblings are significantly older than me. Our friends are active on our children's lives and have been since the children were v small.

I am the named guardian for my cousin's children.

Thanks jakadaal. I hadn't thought of joint guardianship. Anyone else?

Our best friends, who are in fact 15-20 years old than me.

Like you op, we agonised over this due various reasons why we wouldn't want either of our siblings to have dd; both siblings are miles away, no where near grandparents on either side. Our decision was based on - who we trust / see more of and location (so should poor dd be an orphan, who would keep close ties with the extended family).

In the will, we have my aunty and DSIL who would be in charge of the money for dd. That way, we have more than one person thinking of dd's welfare, monetary support for the best friends taking in an orphan and everyone is reasonably involved.

Do remember you can always update whatever arrangements you agree on now. I know plenty folk who've changed, as the original choices perhaps had their own children (so couldn't imagine theirs living in such a big family), or as siblings / friends moved away or nearer home, and as grandparents aged.
Equally, the older your kids get, the different an arrangement you might be happier with. What's best now for an infant may well be different for a 15 yo.

We've said my parents for now, as they are both only just 60 and DS is 10, so if the worst were to happen right now, they'd have about 8-10 years of looking after him before he would be (hopefully) be off to uni, of an age where he could be at least financially responsible for himself.

We will review it on a regular basis if their health deteriorates, etc. Other than them, at the moment I don't know who we would ask.

Mother in law. Wouldn't trust my own mother with a goldfish far less my son. I wouldn't worry too much about the age of the grandparents (I was brought up by my great grandmother because of my mothers incompetence) and she did a wonderful job. Sadly she passed when I was 15 but she left me with enough skills to stand on my own two feet when she was gone.

If not my parents who are just 60 (dc are 9 & 10) then my brother and his wife. They already have 2 dc of their own but are the sweetest people I know, they would without a doubt care for our dc as if they were their own. Please god though this will never have to happen.

DHs exDP is named in our will and would be provided for as guardian.

Both DH and I are only children with no other relatives we're close enough to to trust with the DCs.

DHs exDP is one of my best friends and it makes sense that the boys be brought up by someone who is A)Up to the job and whom we trust and B) The DM of the boys' older half brother.

That's lovely calamity

Thanks everyone, this was really helpful. I need to talk with dh but I think I have a much clearer idea now. Mumsnet is the source of answers to all my questions!