my friends toddler died

[muser31]

its tragic, he wasn't even 2. i just want to be a good friend, i know i can't say the right thing as there is no right thing to say. i remember awhile ago there was a thread on here giving advice about what to do and what not to do when someone has lost a child. if anyone could link it to me i would be so grateful. should i send her a bunch of flowers or something? it only happened yesterday and all i have done is sent a text to say sorry. i want to send a card but should i wait to the funeral. please help me get it right.

Oh god how awful

Someone with more knowledge and experience than me will come along, but all I would say is just keep in contact and be available for her, making it clear you're always willing to talk about her son.

You are a lovely friend

The thing is right now everyone will be rallying round. The best thing you can do is be around in the months after always be available to talk, mention her Lo's name often remember his bday. I don't mean go ott but when dd died we had masses of people cry on us and try and help in the beginning but after the funeral most backed off and my lovely grandma was the only one who would ring up to say she knew it was a special / difficult day when it was her birthday.

I would write a letter, fill her freezer with easy comfort food and let her know you are always there for her to lean on.

There is nothing worse for a bereaved parent when people avoid you or pretend your child never existed.

Yy to noting down his birthday in your birthday book, and also the anniversary of his death, so that you can mention that too, in years to come.

Yy to talking to her about him . . .

It is so sad, really awful, I am so sorry for all involved.

There are bereavement guides online, some I found useful when a co-worker lost her daughter to cancer.

Google how to help a bereaved parent and you will get some helpful results.

thank you all so much . that is something i remember from the thread, making sure to talk about him and mention his name. i feel awful but i don't even remember his birthday... i wil be sure to find out. i'll leave her with the text for now, send the letter next week and make sure im there in the coming months, i really do want to be there i know this will take a very long time to get over. i have a card for a charity in my purse, a bereavement charity that is focused on child bereavement, do you think it would be ok to put it in the letter? ive had it for ages as an old friend set it up as something similar happened to her. freezer idea is good.

When a friend's little girl died last year a mutual friend set up a fb group to coordinate making dinners for the couple so they didn't have to cope with it in the initial weeks. It worked very well and meant that they weren't inundated with freezer meals (didn't have a big freezer).
One thing my friend did comment on was the amount of flowers they were given. She said it was a bit of a nightmare trying to find vases for them all and then keep on top of throwing the dead ones away at a time when they could hardly hold themselves together.

Hi muser

I'm so sorry to read of your friends dc. I think the advice of the other posters is invaluable and as a recently bereaved parent just being there and listening is incredibly important.

Also ditto to filling the fridge/freezer full.

I've bumped up the thread you mentioned, I don't know how to link it but it's there it's called what not to say to a bereaved parent....

I hope this helps and what a lovely friend you are x

link to the thread
Also just wanted to point out - please be careful of the things you say. "I know this will take a very long time to get over". Although you obviously mean well, the reality is of course that there is no 'getting over' the death of one's child, however much time has passed, and the expectations of some people that one should - ever - 'get back to normal' are incredibly hurtful, and even small, well-meant comments that imply this sort of thing can be so hard to deal with.
I've had conversations with people who lost children at birth who should now be in their 40s - and they're certainly not 'over it', although they've learned to live with their loss, and most people wouldn't know anything about how they're still living with it, but they are.

I don't, obviously, know if your friend will find the same things helpful as me, but my lovely friends who remember dates, let me know they're thinking of me, get in touch when I've hidden away for a while, allow me to talk when I need to and accept my loss is a part of who I now am are people I am so thankful for. You sound like you want to be that kind of friend & I'm sure you therefore will be.

bluesky i am so very sorry for your loss, and thank you for pointing out what i said there. in my heart i didn't mean that as i know for sure i would never ever get over it if anything ever happened to my dd, and even now i am saying that as someone who has not experienced that kind of pain, and yet i still came out and said that, foolishly. i need to be so very careful. and yet i know i am not perfect either and can tend to say the wrong thing sometimes like i just did, so what i will do for sure is if that ever happens i will go back and say look i did not mean that, and explain exactley what i meant. thanks for helping me know how best to support my friend.

sorry nchanged