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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Lost without my wonderful husband

13 replies

Leakingwellies · 09/04/2014 08:41

It's been three weeks since I held you as you slipped away. You never believed you wouldn't make it and im so glad you never gave up hope and werent afraid. I cant believe you are gone. Every day is a trial every night is so lonely. I spent yesterday reading through your old love letters to me and I feel blessed that our love never changed. What I wouldnt give for one more chance to be safe in your arms. I love and miss you so so much xxx

OP posts:

Christmascandles · 09/04/2014 08:47

I'm so sorry for your loss
It sounds as though you had a wonderful relationship.
Please talk about him if you'd like to

ForgiveMeFather · 09/04/2014 08:53

I'm so sorry - please tell us about your wonderful husband xxx

utahforever · 09/04/2014 09:21

I'm so sorry for your loss

magimedi · 09/04/2014 09:24

So very sorry - it must be so hard.

Original poster

Leakingwellies · 09/04/2014 15:30

He was 44, tall and handsome, big brown eyes, a lovely smile, a real family man, a good provider, a doting dad to 3, a mad Leeds fan, a typical Yorkshire bloke, lover of kids films especially The Goonies, he could be grumpy and exasperating but I loved him unconditionally.

We are all in a state of utter shock and mind numbing grief. From all the positive noises the drs made suddenly he was in ICU on a ventilator dying infront of us. I can't get my head around the fact that he died when had been doing so well the week before. It was a very rare and virtually unheard of blood disorder-why did it have to choose him? How do I carry on when all I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up...?

OP posts:

magimedi · 09/04/2014 17:13

44 is far to young - how dreadful.

You can only carry on by breathing in & out & being there for your DCs.

I don't know anything about grief counselling but I have heard it mentioned many times on here. Cruse are meant to be good.

But for now we are here for you - you can come here & scream & rant as much as you want or just chat to us about your beloved man. I hope that helps just a tiny, tiny bit.

Original poster

Leakingwellies · 10/04/2014 08:22

Still breathing. Panic attacks back with a vengeance. Heart racing aweating pins and needles in my hands and feet. Back to drs at ten for more meds hopefully. Everyone being so kind and im a walking angry mess of bitterness grief and intolerance. Everyone and everything is pissing me off but the thought of being on my own terrifies me. Feel like I going mad. Kids coping really well putting me to shame actually. I'm supposed to be supporting them but ive nothing left to give. All my strength has gone. Whwn will this get better?

OP posts:

magimedi · 10/04/2014 09:45

So sorry to hear about the panic attacks - I've had awful anxiety problems etc in the past. Medication should kick in & help, if not just try what I call 7:11 breathing. In for the count of 7 & out for the count of 11. Do that for a couple of minutes & it really can help with the immediate effects.

You are not going mad. The worst thing ever has happened to you & you are grieving. It takes everyone differently. I don't know when it will get better, but slowly, slowly it will.

I hope you have a nice GP & we are here for you.

Original poster

Leakingwellies · 11/04/2014 08:18

Hi
Dr was lovely. Got aome beta blockers and ads gave me leaflets on counselling and we had a good chat. She says ive lost loads of weight and need to start looking after myself. Must admit I look a mess. Still so much going on there's going to be an inquest and I have to make a statement for the coroner. Police coming later. Hospital investigation likely because treatment was delayed. Im so angry. Everyone says I fought like a tiger for him but all I can think is it wasn't enough and I failed him. I'm ao sorry babe I miss you so much x

OP posts:

magimedi · 11/04/2014 10:04

I am so pleased your GP was nice. She is right, you must look after yourself & try to eat, little & often may help.

I am so sorry you have to go through an inquest but please don't feel you failed your DH - you so obviously adore him & did everything in your power.

trulymadlydeeply · 11/04/2014 17:26

So very very sorry for your loss, Leaking. So unjust and unfair. Xxx

something2say · 11/04/2014 21:28

Leaking wellies I am sorry for your loss too. You sound as tho you were very close. How old are your children?

Polkadotpatty · 11/04/2014 22:36

Hey there, just sending you a hello and hoping there's a tiny piece of calm growing in all the hurt? Such an awful, dark slow time for you and I wish I could do more.
I can make you this promise - as you slowly eventually start to feel a tiny bit less pain, that will NOT mean you feel further from your fab husband. Healing for you won't come with a price of forgetting. I was really scared of that, and almost wouldn't let myself look after myself, in case I somehow grew away from my DH. But it was alright, that's not what happened.
When you feel like you might be able to handle it, then I did find Cruse bereavement counselling absolutely amazing. I was convinced it would be a waste of time. It really wasn't. It was particularly good for working through all the medical/hospital, stuff and trying to make sense of things.
Get that Goonies DVD on and cry your heart out, because that makes you the sanest person in the world - you have been hit with a massive trauma in your whole body, and it hurts like hell.
Big hugs to you x
P.S. you did not fail him at all. I just know. You will always be the woman he wrote those love letters to, the one he chose, the one he built such a happy life with.

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