To everyone who has lost a parent

[MamaG]

I've read a few messages on here where people have lost a parent. I lost my Dad almost 4 years ago and just wanted to say that, believe it or not, it does get easier.

We found out Dad had cancer in August 2002, just after DD's 3rd birthday. He was hospitalised and did not come out - they had found it far too late and within 3 weeks he had died, after a brave, intense battle. It was an awful awful time, the worst time of my life. My (then) DP and I rushed to arrange our wedding and organised it in 3 days, but he sadly died on the morning of the wedding so it was cancelled.

At first I thought I would never get over it, I was in pieces and couldn't bear to think I'd never speak to him or see him again. DD and DP were devastated too, as was my Mum and sister and I felt like I had to hold it together for everone. I would sob hysterically into my pillow when nobody was around and truly felt like my heart was broken.

It took a long time, but I gradually realised that some days I could think about him and not cry.

Yes, it was hard for a long time and even now I get days when I feel the loss really badly especially at times like now when its coming up to the anniversary of his death.

I just wanted to give support to anyone who loses a parent. I never thought I would feel better, but I do and wanted to convey that.

I'm so grateful for finding this thread. I lost mu mum three weeks ago and find that I just want to find someone who knows how I'm feeling. Mum was diagnosed with cancer this summer but the prognosis at the time was OK.. she had a second operation at the beginning of October and whist in recovery, had a massive stroke. This was on the day I flew home to see her...unfortunately I was too late. Her speciaist said that additional cancer spots were found during her op so the prognosis was bleak. I know for my mum's sake, she has been spared a painful decline but for my family, we never had the chance to say our goodbyes...
It has been such a huge shock, it still seems surreal. It's the little things that trigger my emotions and at the moment, I'm just trying to get by through keeping busy with work and my kids.
My thoughts are with everyone here, thanks for 'listening'
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Hi Summer, I am so sorry for your loss.... thinking of you and sending big hugs your way. Sometetimes I still feel like in a nightmare, waiting for someone to wake me up (oh, if somebody just could....), but it does get easier to bear as time goes by (20 1/2 months for me now). Just take your time and cry when you feel like it. Whoever does not understand can get lost! I was surprised though at how understanding 99 % of the people were once they knew. Of course I was rather open about it since I was on the brink of tears most of the time and my Ma died very suddenly when I was pg. Take care and keep posting! Hugs!

Thanks a million for your kind words linjasmom, that must have been so awful for you, losing your mum suddenly, when you were pregnant.

I'm so grateful that mum did see my children but I feel really sad for them now that they only have one grandparent alive. Mum was so proud of us all - children and grandchildren.

I feel cheated for my children that she won't be there to hear of their successes in life; soemthing which she would have revelled in...mum loved to hear all the details of what we were up to!
I do believe that she will be watching over us but I just want her back. I look at elderly women and think how unfair it is that my mum never even reached that stage in life, it just seems so unfair.

It does help to talk aboutwhat's going through my head, so thanks for being there.

Just saw this thread and thinking about my dad who died suddenly jan 2003 - really miss him. But feel supported somehow to read everyone else's posts, thinking about you all.

Hi, it was nice to read your thread. It is coming up to the fifth anniversary of my Mum's passing and it still feels like yesterday. My Mum died in hospital of cancer after a five year battle and I just feel so alone. I met and married my husband within six months of her death(she would have hated him). I was very vunerable and he took complete advantage of that. I fell pregnant and my son was born one year and seven days after my Mum had died. I am an only child to a single parent(no contact with my Dad since the age of 4) and I just feel so alone. My husband left me after he used up all my money(interitence, etc.) and I feel so stupid and like I have let her down in a big way. I have no career even though she sacrificed everything to send me to University to get a degree. I think when I met my husband he numbed the grieving process and now he has gone off to another woman(victim) I am starting the grieving process all over again. If it wasn't for my little boy I don't know how I would cope. I miss her everyday and I long for the day that things will get better.

MamaG, thank you for starting this thread!
wheelsanddollbaby, I am so sorry!! There is not much I can say, but I think the positive thing in your life is your ds. Of course I cannot say anything about your mum, but being a mother (and your mum), she might have understood your situation, iyswim. I am not working right now (planning to go back soon, hopefully), but I would happily sacrifice any career for my dd!! Maybe you can use your degree once your ds is a bit older? I can understand how sad and lonely and bleak you are feeling, but hopefully MN can help you. Keep posting, and if you feel like it, cat me. Take care and big hugs!

Yes thank you for starting this thread. My father died in January and it is my birthday in a few days and it will be the first year I do not get a card.. sounds silly but it makes me feel so sad. I miss him.

my mother died on the 16th August last year of breast cancer which had spread to her spine, lungs, liver and brain. It was the tumour in her brain that caused her death. It was a horrible death and I wasn't there. I couldn't get there in time.

I felt her die, I knew exactly when she died. I saw a flash of very bright light and felt a tugging at my heart. I miss her very much. I talk to her all day long and somehow believe she hears me and that she helps me and I feel her presence in my home. I'm not ready to let go of her yet

Hi everyone, I can completely empathize with you. I was 'lucky' to be with my Mum when she died. When she was diagnosed 5 years before her death, I lived in fear that she would drop dead in the street or on her own. She was lucky that she could live with her sister and brother-in-law as she did not need to go into a hospice(she refused to let me leave my life in London and move back home to care for her). I was pretty angry because the last lucid words she said to me, were "I don't want to frighten you but I need to make a will...I am so scared to leave you on your own in this world". Within three days the nurses were pumping her with morphin(something she refused to take before she was in hospital) and on the third day they asked her if she wanted the drip. She was so 'high' on heroin that she had no idea what was going on could not even recognise me. I asked them if they were going to tell me what was in the drip and if I had any say in the matter. I felt like a little child, not a 29 year old woman and next of kin. I watched her inhale and exhale for eight hours'til she drew her last breath. She was ill, the cancer had spread from her breast to her liver and bones. She was very thin but her stomach was full of fluid(that had to be drained off regularly) that had gathered around her liver(she looked 8 months pregnant)and she was taken into hospital because she had difficulty walking and breathing without oxygen at times but I don't think that she would have died so soon. I feel that they preciptated her rapid demise and killed her with the lethal injection but I am told that this 'assisted' death is the normal treatment for terminal cancer patients. She never got to write her will. Just before I got married I had a dream where she said "if you want a life of misery and hardship, go ahead". I ignored it and low and behold four torturous years later I have been to hell and back with my estranged husband. I miss her everyday and birthday's are especially bad. I took my son to her grave this year which is in a picturesque church yard on the island of Anglesey. He kept asking why Granny was in the ceiling(he meant ground). Before she died we used to speak at least ten times a day and if I went anywhere I always called her to say that I was home safely. After she died,it really hurt when I realised that I had no one to call to say I was home safe and no cared whether I was or not. I felt guilty that I didn't fear the phone ringing with bad news anymore and I really struggled with my life for a long time. My ex boss told me that when someone dies we only miss them because we miss the effect they have on our lives. I think that's partly true but I know I genuinely miss her being able to share my experiences with me. I know she is watching me and I am now trying to make her proud of me and her grandson.

Wheelsanddollbaby: I'm so sorry about your Mum. Losing a parent while you're still in your 20s is hard luck. May her spirit comfort you even as you mourn. You are a young woman with a lot of love to offer; I hope you find some one worthy to share it soon.

Wheelsanddollbaby: I'm sorry about your mum. My mum died from breast cancer and went in what sounds exactly the same process as your mum only she died in a hospice. The giving of morphine is standard practise in these cases to kill the pain and it also slows down the heart making the inevitable alot quicker at a time when it would be painful and horrific to do otherwise. However by the time my mum went to hospital even though she could stand up on the Friday the following Friday she had died. She had written a will but said she wanted to write me a letter but could no longer hold the pen this was nothing to do with her medication but more to do with her condition progressing. The thing is once a patient is showing symptoms of liver disease (or cancer spreading to the liver) the liver itself is often completley failing as the liver only needs something like 20 percent to function and this failure is rapid. By the time the medical staff give them the morphine drip the end is not far anyway and without morphine would be even more horrible for the patient and relatives having to witness it.

I'm so sorry you feel like you didn't get any answers from the hospital and they should have kept you informed with every aspect of your mum's care. If it's any comfort to you at all I feel that morphine or not at that stage your mum wouldn't have been able to write a will anyway when my mum could write no longer she was still lucid but simply had no strength left.

You are right about when we lose someone we not only miss what we had but what we could have/ should have had too. My parents never got to meet my children and this is what makes me saddest of all. It's not only Birthdays, Christmases, anniversaries etc but the normal mundane things where you'd just like to pick up the phone and call them or even off load your kids on them I hate the fact I couldn't go for a drink with my dad on my 18th (he died when I was 15) or that my mum couldn't be there at the birth of my children. Sometimes life isn't bloody fair. However I like to look at it this way I had two wonderful parents one for 15 years and one for 22 and yes they died early but some get shit parents for ever, I know which ones i'd prefer.

My father died in a plane crash when I was 17. Not a day passes when I don't think of him and miss him. I see him most often in my dreams. When I am unhappy or something deep is bothering me then I dream of him again and I feel my emotions close to the surface all day. Often I won't remember the dream until I am trying to sleep the following night. Ocasionally I have nice dreams - I think of these as when we se eahcother proparly.

I regret not having known him as an adult. I also regret that he has not seen what I have done with my life - he would have been proud. He will never know my husband, my children (DS 20 months, and 7 weeks pregnant), or my life.

Most of all I regret not being able to say sorry. We had fallen out when he died. I had said and done some horrid things whih would had hurt him and we hadn't spoken for 2 months (he worked abroad).

To all who have posted on here my love thoughts and prayers are going out to you all ...

My darling dad died exactly 3weeks after our DD1 was still born at 42weeks ... there was no warning - he collapsed at home we rushed him to hospital where he was kept sedated (he'd had a massive stroke and heart attack)in ICU

My brother lived near so around 2am ish my mum went home with him and my SIL and DH and I stayed at the hospital... anyway he sort of brought himself out of his sedation at about 6am and we went through to see him - I lay on the bed, cuddled him and stroked him - he moved his right arm to his heart then to his lips and then to my face ... and very quietly and gently died .... and there is not one day since then (Feb 2000) that I have not thought about him or "spoken" to him .... he was such a fabulous dad and a wonderful friend too ....... I felt as though he thought he ought to go to look after Catriona (dd1)

I bloody hate February - Both Catriona's and dad's anniversary's .... It was hellish organising 2 funerals in 3 weeks

I lost my stepdad a year ago today to cancer - I have been to his grave with flowers today - been feeling really sad all day

Aww berrycherry - so sorry xx

Gosh there are some really sad experiences on this thread. I always feel that with death comes life i.e. the birth of a baby in the family etc. My ex boss came to me in a dream a couple of months ago. I haven't spoken to him for four years and did not know that he was ill. Two weeks after the dream I got a text from a friend saying he had died, two weeks ago. I was really freaked out for a while. Some of you have talked about talking to your parents. How do you do this? Just in your head or out loud, to a picture??????

Both!! Whenever and wherever I feel like it, in my head and sometimes to her picture when I am walking past in the house (which is quite often as it sits in the central room). I often feel her close, if that makes sense, and most of all I tell her what's on my mind in my head....

ledodgy, thats such a good way to look at it:-

"However I like to look at it this way I had two wonderful parents one for 15 years and one for 22 and yes they died early but some get shit parents for ever, I know which ones i'd prefer"

My dad died of a sudden heart attack (in twelve days time it'll be the 10 year anniversary of his death). No known heart problems previously, and even his GP said that he was not in a high risk group at all. Just "one of those things".

I do find myself getting incredibly angry with him still. We didn't have a good relationship particularly when I was growing up, and he'd mellowed as he got older - we had started having a more equal relationship and I was getting to get to know him as a person rather than as a father and that was snatched away. I don't think I really ever "grieved" - as an only child I was too busy looking after mum (she had a car accident almost a year to the day afterwards and so for two years dh and I were completely focussed on the wellbeing of my mother).

I'm glad he was there for my wedding - we wouldn't have had so many current photographs of him otherwise - and we've also got his speech on video - simple mannerisms and sound of the voice gets dropped from memory so early on But I do wish he'd lived to meet his grandsons. I suspect that he would have preferred having sons himself, and I think he would have made a fantastic granddad.

lost my dad to cancer 3 weeks ago,we were all with him to the end and held his hand as he slipped away , miss him so much ,im only 28 and imagining the rest of my life without him is more than i can take . xx

My mum died aged 45 and I was 14. She had a blocked artery and leaking valve which she had for a while. The operation had gone well but she then had 2 cardiac arrests and they could not revive her. The surgeon had held her heart in his hand and said that he knew she would not make it as it was so weak. She died on 19th October 1995. My darling son Toby was born on 19th October 2004, and that was strange as he was a month early due to being induced as he wasnt growing. Sadly he died 2 weeks ago on 1st August aged 2y 9m. I know that my mum will take care of him now as she can meet him at last.

jbadgirl, please accept my heartfelt sympathy , xxxxxxx

my children have just lost their dad. They are 10 and 12. They are just babies and even brought teddie bears to the funeral.