To everyone who has lost a parent

[MamaG]

I've read a few messages on here where people have lost a parent. I lost my Dad almost 4 years ago and just wanted to say that, believe it or not, it does get easier.

We found out Dad had cancer in August 2002, just after DD's 3rd birthday. He was hospitalised and did not come out - they had found it far too late and within 3 weeks he had died, after a brave, intense battle. It was an awful awful time, the worst time of my life. My (then) DP and I rushed to arrange our wedding and organised it in 3 days, but he sadly died on the morning of the wedding so it was cancelled.

At first I thought I would never get over it, I was in pieces and couldn't bear to think I'd never speak to him or see him again. DD and DP were devastated too, as was my Mum and sister and I felt like I had to hold it together for everone. I would sob hysterically into my pillow when nobody was around and truly felt like my heart was broken.

It took a long time, but I gradually realised that some days I could think about him and not cry.

Yes, it was hard for a long time and even now I get days when I feel the loss really badly especially at times like now when its coming up to the anniversary of his death.

I just wanted to give support to anyone who loses a parent. I never thought I would feel better, but I do and wanted to convey that.

I'm glad you're having counselling DunnyJo, it will help you in the long run. It's very difficult, I fully sympathise xxx

Thinking about it though do you think the 'not wanting to go out' thing i have is depression? Some days are so bad i don actually want to see another moment i just feel like i am dying inseide and i dont exist anymore. Is this pnd or grieving? when i went to the doc he said it was grieving and the councilor has not mentioned this. Sorry i am not trying to kill this thred i just dont know who else to ask

Thank you for this thread.

Thanks for this - I need a good cry - Mom's birthday tomorrow - lost her just over 5 years ago - lung cancer.

I've just seen this thread and would also liek to thank you. Both my parents had died by the time I was 22 and it's nice to know i'm not alone.

I lost my mother fourteen years ago on Monday in a freak accident...no chance to say goodbye or tell her I loved her or anything. One minute there, the next not. 14 years on there is still not a day that goes by when I don't think of her - and that's a positive thing - that's how she lives on for me. There have been many times over the years when I wish she'd been there - when I got married and when I gave birth to my twin boys particularly...so many things I wish she could have done with me and seen with me....but I know somewhere she is there watching over me and my boys....and feel her in me, the way I do things and feel about things...and I see her in my children. The pain of losing her gets less as the years go by, but the sadness of the loss never goes.

It really is good to know we are not alone. I lost my Ma (age 55) within a day 18 months ago when I was 18 weeks pg. Didn't want to believe it (sometimes still don't!!) and the worst thing is that I feel she was cheated seeing her wonderful dgd!! I do have days I don't cry and can smile at the wonderful memories (we truly were best friends, talked at least once a day), but sometimes I still feel like falling apart....
I am sure she can see us from where she is now, but it is just not enough for me....

My Dad died in 1992 aged 44. He committed suicide. Obviously it was a terrible shock to everyone who knew him, no-one had any idea that he was so depressed. He had been in the army and was very much a "stiff upper lip" type.

I would say that the grief and pain has never gone away, I have just learned to live with it. I will always wonder if there was something I could have done to help him had I known what he was feeling, or something I should have done to make him realise that leaving us would have caused us more pain than if he stayed and we had dealt with the family problems another way.

I particularly miss him at big life occasions - my brother gave me away when I got married and while he did a great job it just wasn't the same. He would have loved dd, family was always a priority.

So very sad.

It's funny to come accross this thread as I'm just approaching the anniversery of my mum's death - it will be four years next Saturday. It's always a difficult time of year, and every time I look at my beautiful daughter I feel so sad that my mum never got to meet her, though she knew I was pregnant when she died.

Really really missing Dad this week.

Nothing in particular has brought it on, just one of those weeks I guess.

I lost my mum when I was 10 and I am now 31 she died suddenly from a brain heammorage , I still have bad times now and certain events make me miss her more like when I got married , when my children were born .My daughter is 6 now and is at the age where she asks who my mum is and I just avoid the subject because I dont know what to say I would love some advice if anyone can help me with this.

Thank you for this thread. my heart goes out to you all. I lost my mum(two days after her 53rd birthday and on the 33rd anniversary of her meeting my dad) in 2003. I was 14 weeks pg with her first grandchild. She died of a very aggressive cancer and died not knowing if my pg would be viable as she lost a baby at 20weeks. I really wish she had known my son would go on to exist and be to me a reminder of what a mothers love can be.(even if I didn't always appreciate it) Ironically I was speaking today to someone who also lost a parent during pregnnacy and we commented how it's impossible to actually grieve while pregnant.
I miss her everyday, but I agree with the OP, you can and do get to a point where you can cope with "it".
I'm pg wtih her second grandson, due on Xmas day.(Sorry this will sound so cheesy, but my Mum lived for Xmas day and having us all around her-I made a half jokey wish in my head on my 30th birthday that Mum would "sort me out" with a baby after almost a year of trying!)

Everyone take care.

meant to add, I "lost" my dad the same day as my mum.

Everyone on this thread will appreciate what it means just to tell your story and acknowledge how sad we are. My dad should have been 50 next month but he died last June of a brain heammorage. 3 months later i became pregnant and 2 days after the 1st anniversary of his death i had my beautiful dd. He would of absolutly adored her and he was so good with children, she would of loved him. He was my hero and i'll miss him til the day i die.
Thankyou everyone for sharing your stories so we all know we're not alone.

xx

I'm glad to hear that it has got easier for you mamag, my dad died 5 years ago in his sleep, though he had been ill for a while, it was very very sudden.

I've only cried twice, I feel I haven't grieved, mainly because I had 2 olders sisters, an older brother to support and a funeral to arrange as well as executing his will.

I still can't look at a picture of him and so far have not been to where his ashes were scattered or where we had a rose bush and plaque put up in his name.

The pain of losing him and missing him is as raw now as it was the day I got the phonecall.

I would just like to add, yes it does ease it never goes away but it does ease and at the time it seems that it never can. Being busy with children who really need you really is a god-send. I find it also stops me from sinking as at times even now all I want to do is curl up and let everything pass over me forever.

My poor mother died too young, the cancer was only discovered when it was far too late (though not for the want of begging the powers that be to be taken seriously).

We were so close and for that I am extremely grateful for having had such a wonderful mother.

Grieving in installments as one person has already said is what happens to me and that is hard and makes me feel guilty/angry at times, but at the same time that awful harsh phrase "life goes on" comes to mind but if I had the chance to think about my mum any other way I think it would drive me too deep into the sheer sadness of it all. Sadness not for me I was lucky I had her in my life but sadness that she did not get the chance to live a happier more relaxed life. For my mum I would just have loved her to have had the time to laugh just a little bit more and work less.

thank you MamaG for this thread.

I agree about feeling isolated I feel like I cant talk to anyone so I am also glad to put my situation on here which I have earlier on , as my husband has both of his parents and doesnt really understand what it is like when I get down and depressed . I ahve two older brothers but feel like I cant talk to them about it.

I tried counsellig but I think that made me feel worse

I have also lost my mum and dad. My dad died almost 5 years ago and my mum passed away almost 1 year ago (Dec 23rd)....

This last month has definately been easier, I have cried a lot less, even I guess thought about it less. Started to think of different times in my life, not just how it was when my mum died...

Not sure how Christmas will be this year.. Despite what happened last year, we actually had a nice Christmas. My mum took much longer to pass away than anticapted, and I spent almost 2 weeks at the Hospice with her. Which meant that I didn't have anything prepared for Christmas at all. The afternoon my mum died I went out with DH and DD and bought the Christmas tree and decorations and had a good time..

I have no idea how I managed it, but it was for real, ie not put on for my DD.. I think I had so much time to get used to the idea of my mum not being here, that I wasn't any different after she died - but only for a week or two. It really hit home after the New Year...

My DD bday is 20th Dec, and I think my mum hung on for that...

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss my mum and dad, I only live 4 houses away from the house they lived in - only moved here 8 months before she died (had no idea at the time that she had cancer)....

It is hard, but I know that with my dad I can look at pictures etc and not cry, so hoping to get there with my mum sometime soon. At the moment I actually get a pain in my heart when I really think about her... does this ever go away?

Sorry this is so long, just really in the mood to chat about it at the moment, and my brothers aren't coping that well and so don't really mention much...

The really sad thing is that not only have I lost both my parents (and my DH the same) but DD hasn't got any grandparents and I know that I can't do anything about that...

My mum died nearly 2 years ago, of bowel cancer. It had lain undetected for nearly 10 years so, like your dad MamaG, it was too late. We weren't always that close and her death was expected for a few months but it was still hard. I'm not sure you ever fully get over it but yes it does get easier. My dad still lives in their house and found it very hard at first, but has really got on with things now - he makes biscuits for the village church fairs, goes cycling with the vicar, has been on holiday with us and his friends and is about to go to Australia to stay with mum's youngest sister for 3 weeks! Also I think us having dd has made it easier for him, and for me

My mum died nearly 7 years ago of a stroke: my dad rang me while I was out shopping to say she'd had the stroke & then 45 minutes later, when I was just about to leave to go to the hospital (250 miles away), to say she'd died.
The thing I really regret is that I never saw her. When the doctor asked if any of us (my sister & 2 brothers) wanted to, everyone else said no & I did too because I didn't want to upset anyone & I could see my Dad wanted to get away from the hospital . I really wish I'd said 'Yes I do'. I still have dreams that she's not really dead & the worst one is where it wasn't her that died (even though I know my dad was with her when she did)and she was waiting in hospital wondering why no-one came to get her.

In an awful way I'm so glad I started this thread - makes you feel you're not alone. Putting your story to the thread is quite therapeutic really, isn't it?

angmarie - I think the best thing you could do for your DD is to talk to her about your Mum, sharing your memories, photos etc, if you can bear it.

My DD still goes into floods of tears if I try to talk about my Dad, but she knew him and loved him to bits but I hope your DD will be OK.

My mum died in April 2004. She knew she was dying and arranged to see all her children and 10 grandchildren over the Easter weekend. She died on the following Thursday. Before she died, she said that it was such a relief that we all knew and understood what was happening. She also told me that having children was such a comfort to her when her own mum died.
I was so angry afterwards. I wanted to kick old biddies walking slowly down the high street - why should they be alive when my mum was dead? and I cried in Smiths when it hit me that I never will buy a mother's day card ever again. Anniversaries are still bad and not being able to tell her things - she didn't judge, so it was easy to share, even when I knew I'd screwed up about something.
But it is true that it gets easier to cope. I remember the first time when I was going to cry about missing her and then thought "no, not just now, I must do this first." A few weeks earlier I would have just let go.

Thanks for starting this thread. There are so many about sad and awful parents that it is good to hear from so many people who have loved and are missing their mum and dad.