Adult son not coping

[Nelliemelba]

My husband died completely unexpectedly last summer. He just went to work and collapsed-been a nightmare-i had to phone my grown up children and tell them. My middle son took it dreadfully -the year before my father and husbands father died so in a year he has lost 2 grandads and his dad. He had counselling but he then said he was coming to terms with it-he has been to visit for mothers day and has just been dissolving into tears- i am struggling with my own grief and dont feel i support him enough-nothing i say is right- i have suggested he goes to his gps and see if he can get in touch with Cruse- the stupid thing is tonight i have been shouting at my husbands photo blaming him for leaving us and having to deal with it-stupid i know-i just want my old life back with all our plans to grow old together.

What a dreadful thing to happen. You must have endured so much since.

Dealing with our own sadness is hard enough. Everyone tells us to take baby steps. Is your middle DS close enough to his brothers for them to keep an eye on him? Unless his peers have experienced similar tragedy it is unlikely they can relate to that scale of loss. People are often very kind in the immediate aftermath but their compassion wears off. There is often a sense of, "Well it's been weeks/months now so you must be getting back to normal" which of course barely touches the surface of ongoing grief.

In some circumstances people find consolation in a crutch like drink or drugs so you are doing absolutely the right thing to comfort DS while making practical suggestions.

I expect you have found milestones like Christmas, birthdays etc triggering. Sadly Mothering Sunday is also likely to have affected DS. Do encourage him to seek further counselling.

I am so sorry about your DH, your father and your father in law. What a sad time it must be for all of you.

I am sorry that your DS is taking it badly but at least he is talking to you about it and has sought help before. In some ways it is good that he feels able to let out his emoticons when he is with you. I know it must be hard for you but it should be of some comfort that he can be open with you.
Are there other things that are going on in his life that might be making things worse? Is he normally an emotional person? Is it more depression rather than sadness IYSWIM.

My DH's family are hugely emotional and can all cry at the drop of a hat when reminiscing about family members who have passed away. I am not 'comfortable' with it but they see it as normal (I think I am too English )

It sounds like you are doing the right thing by advising him to get further counselling if he thinks it might help.

I hope you are looking after yourself too. It must be so difficult for you. Any death is sad but a sudden, early death must be very difficult to come to terms with

Hi Nellie - very, very sorry to hear all this.

Don't for a split second worry about how you coped vis a vis your DS at the weekend. By being there, by being by him, you were showing him that he still has his loving mother - and that will be so precious and important to him. He won't be judging you on what you did or didn't say or do - your DS just needs to know that he is much loved and cared for. That's it.

Don't worry, too, about shouting at your husband's photo. Many of us have done things of that kind. Love, anger, pain. They kind of go together at times like this.

Your DS to his GP is a good idea if only so that he might be signposted to an appropriate counseling service or similar. And you. Take the greatest possible care of yourself. Can you have a family break anytime soon? Or get away on your own?