This is something that keeps coming back to haunt me and I can't think of a more appropriate place to ask about it. Please forgive me if I offend further with my navel gazing.
A few years ago a recently ex-student (secondary school) died at the end of the summer holidays. At the time I was going through a second round of IVF which, two days before the start of term, we learned had resulted in no viable embryos, thus effectively ending our chances as we couldn't afford to find ourselves.
I learned the news of the death of our student when I got to school on the first day of term. A few minutes later during staff briefing we remembered him in silence. The shock of it was appalling, and along with my own position given that I had been pumped full of hormones and was due to have been implanted that day, I left quietly before I broke down loudly.
It often occurs to me that my leaving was massively disrespectful to our student. I had just a moment to consider it and I feel like I should have stayed. I wish I could have been stronger but I couldn't have contained my grief at that point.
Following this life became very very difficult for a while. It was the start of a period of misery.
I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just want someone to know that I didn't intend to disrespect the memory of our student. He was a fabulous character and we remember him fondly. I feel tremendously ashamed and sorry to have made that moment about me.