What not to say to a bereaved parent. Or what you can say and do to help.

[thedaymylifestoodstill]

Morning

I thought this would be a good thread to start, to offer practical advice and help to those who are trying to support a bereaved parent, from the words of those who have suffered the loss of a child.

It's also a place where we can say the worst of what's been said to us, so you can understand what not to say.

As a parent of a lost child, I can safely say that the help of others, who step into my pain for a while and figuratively hold my hand, helps me to continue. So if ever this happens to someone you know, you can provide help, assistance and love through it all.

I'll start.

What not to say You can have another
What not to say Maybe next time you'll have a boy
What not to say Think positively
What not to say I've never even had a miscarriage so I've no idea how you feel
What not to say Well at least you've got other children

What you can say I'm here
What you can do Give a hug. Don't offer platitudes.
What you can do Listen
What you can do Take food round
What you can do Say the name of the child

Anyway, it would be good to hear what other wise words other parents may have to offer (apologies if this thread has started before) xx

Like a poster said earlier -don't try to be clever. A simple 'im so sorry for your loss' covers the bare bones in an inoffensive fashion.

One thing that I appreciated was cards celebrating my daughter's birth. I felt it was worth celebrating even if she was desperately ill, and it was nice to have normal things for her. I saved her cards and they feel like evidence that she did exist.

A card or text is a really good way to communicate without requiring any coherence from the recipient.

I liked flowers, the nicest were sent a week or so after my baby died and they came with their very own jar, massively thoughtful!

Yes to using the child's name.

Yes to remembering anniversaries.

Please don't be embarrassed if I cry when you mention my baby or ask anything about her. I love that you have spoken about her but I still miss her and catch me at the wrong moment and I will have a furtive little weep.

It's a particular situation in relation to this thread but announcing a pregnancy to someone who has just lost a baby needs to be done carefully. Privately if possible. However it's done it's going to hurt a bit, and it is much better not to be surprised in front of friends or colleagues.

Louster I'm so very sorry about your son. People are, on the whole, terribly ignorant about mental health and suicide.

I am seven years on from losing my sister to it. I have come to feel more forgiving of the idiocy. Sometimes if it's a direct comment to me, I say I'm glad for them, that they are so ignorant of the reality of it, and long may they remain so. Likewise to idiotic remarks about the death of one's child.

You may already know of them, but SOBS, aka Survivors Of Bereavement By Suicide were a great help to us in surviving, as were the Samaritans, who I hadn't realised before are not only there for those feeling suicidal, but for all the people affected by it.

Sending you love.

Also for Louster, Winston's Wish are a charity who support bereaved children and their families. They are amazing, and will reach out to school etc if asked.
Take care.

Mojito, i was also given a copy of the art of happiness a few weeks after my son died shortly after he was born
didnt really get past the first chaper which is all about looking at tothers that are less fortunate than yourself.....

which i found distrubing as, i felt i was now the person everyone looked at, to make themselves feel better, as in well at least i'm not lizard

another book i was givenwell actually told to buy, buy an nhs obstricain
when i was pg with ds2
was called the secret
its about how if you imagine bad things are going ot happen to you they will
and if you think good things will happen they will
but it never crossed my mind for one mon that i would lose ds1
so i hardly think i cause that to happen by not thinking positivly enough

unhelpful things that have been said to me

life goes on
when the funerals over, you wanna take all them cards down, the sympathy ones
at least he didnt have any hair, wtf???? why doesthat matter
its about moving on
your strong[no im not this is an act, i wake at 3am crying every single night]
be strong, ditto what someone else said fuck off,in other words dont cry as you wlill make me feel bad
well diddums

in the early days sititng there crying and being asked whats wrong????
wtf do you think is wrong, do i have to spell it out

after having my ds2[i also have a six year old]
oh youve got two now....asif ds1 never exisited
oh you have a happy ending now....
no its not an ending, yes we love ds2 to bits but we still love and feel just as sad about ds1
patronising comments about now you have two, the second has to just fot in....... ffs hes my third

dreading people asking how many children do you have
not wanting ot meet new people
wanting to aviod people
grieving for your child and your oldself and your old life
your whole life chaning forever

one one of the biggest things of all to have pissed me off is a friend, who has a dd same age as mine, used to carshare lifts to get the dds to an activity
and it would invole driving past the church where my ds1 is buried and my dd would say things like thats where my baby brothers buried as they drove by
and this friend actually said to me, oh when your dd mentions ds1, i change the subject as she didnt want her dd to know and be upset
just think how shit that made my dd feel
its her brother, its her life that s been turned upside down, my dds mums and dad and family a mess, and yet you wouuld rather ignore her innocence comment so that your child doesnt become upset for a moment
you selfish fucking prick

family getting pissed off with me that i dont want to go to big family dos

two years on i find people even less understanding to be honest
a pressure to move on and get over it, or at least pretend to so the poor dears dont have to feel uncomfortable

Neolara, your comment about the mum struggling to come to the school really struck a chord with me. I have to take my older son to school whilst being without my younger one who should also be there. It's torture going there every day and I hate it. If she has to go back to the school without her son she's probably going to find it even worse. Assemblies, sports day, nativity, harvest festival etc, all without her son. If I got upset it really helped if someone just gave me a smile or touched my arm, proper cuddles or asking how I was normally sent me over the edge.

Things that shouldn't be said:

It's made me realise how lucky I am (that I still have my child)
I'm going to go and give (my child) a really big hug
You have other children (ok, look at your children and decide which one that you could live without)
Try antidepressants, you will soon feel better

To be fair, those are the only comments I remember that actually upset me, and I think that's pretty good going.

If you say is there anything I can do, actually offer to do something specific. I didnt have the energy or inclination to ask for anything.

Don't sit next to me at assemblies/school plays etc because you think I need someone near me. Think more about the fact that your child is the same age as mine, and I am going to find it really hard watching you watching your child when mine isn't there.

Don't come and talk to me about the school trip that your child is going on, forgetting that mine can't go.

I had 3 sons, then one died, then I had a daughter. The amount of people who have said to me oh how lovely to have a girl finally is ridiculous. I find it really upsetting. There is nothing about this that is lucky.

Things to do:

Try and remember anniversaries and birth dates and mark them. I have received cards and bunches of flowers. I don't like to see anyone on those days but its lovely to know people care.

If I insert my son into the conversation because I want to talk about him as though he is still here, just carry on regardless.

Acknowledge that certain times are hard for me, eg Christmas, and tell me you are thinking of me. Don't go overboard and make me cry.

I basically agree with everything spotted said!

X

I wonder if mnhq could do something with this thread? Maybe make a guide out of it. different categories for different people?

there was a line ina show I was watching the other day I wanted to put in here and I've forgotten it.

This has been touched on already, but it really grates me when people tell me things like 'time will heal' - the only people I would listen to about how things feel long term are people who have also lost a child.

I think that would be a wonderful idea, confuddled. I think most people are genuinely trying to help, when they say the things they say (I know I would be), and I'm sure the last thing they'd want to do is to make things worse for someone already in the worst situation.

A guide could help people say and do the right things.

heavenly, it's been 8.5 years for me. Time helps, you learn how to deal with the hole and pain but it never goes away. My grandma is dead now and her daughter died 15-16 years before her and I don't thinki ever saw her talk about her without that look in her eye that bereaved mothers get.

You will never hear a bereaved parent say time heals.

When people trot out that twaddle to me I tell them they are right, one day I will die and my pain will be truly healed.

Time doesn't heal it just numbs things on a day-to-day basis. 14 years on, I am not healed.

I really hate the 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' because actually no, it fucking doesn't. I feel weaker.

I have three wonderful, marvellous, perfect children. But I should have four. And no, the living three aren't 'all the more precious' because their brother is dead.

Time doesn't heal, it just doesn't. And I don't want it to either. I want to hold onto every bit of my daughter, even the bits that hurt

Just thought of another thing:

Please don't suggest counselling as a one stop fix all, when I say that I don't want to do something or if I bow out of something the 'old' me may have done, or even did after my child died. Just because I'm feeling down and sad and I feel I need to step away from things to protect my health and sanity is not a sign I'm not coping.

Believe me, getting up everyday , dealing with dc, working and looking after a home is coping enough, so if there are times I don't want to pretend and put my mask on, but would rather withdraw for a bit - please respect it.

Counselling does help, but it will never bring the old me back. So don't suggest it like it will. Same with anti-depressants. Nothing wrong with taking them, but it's not going to stop me feeling sad that my child died.

I sometimes think people suggest these things because THEY want you to feel better, iyswim.

I think it is a natural, caring response, when someone sees a person in pain, to want to relieve that pain, or find someone or something else that will relieve that pain - it's an impulse that comes from a good heart.

But it clearly isn't right in this situation - and I think, unless you have been through it yourself, as so many on this thread have, or unless you read something like this, with an open mind, willing to learn (as I think I have), you aren't going to know how wrong an impulse it is.

That's why I have such huge admiration for all those on this thread who have shared their experiences and feelings.

Just bumping this thread so it can be use of those who are trying to support bereaved parents.

I thought I would say, the most important this is to just be there. However you can. By email, text, a message on the phone (sometimes the parents don't want to talk, but a voicemail is appreciated), a pop round with a casserole.

It will be difficult, it will be draining to be around someone who is experiencing this hell, but if you can spare a few minutes - honestly, it really does help. I know it is daunting and if you don't know what to say, say that. I'd rather someone say that then fill me with platitudes which mean nothing. And if you're going to do something and you say to the bereaved parent you are, do it.

Honestly, it is so lonely even when surrounded by people. But if you can reach in and help pull the parents through the fog, it will be greatly appreciated, even if they can't vocalise how they're feeling at that time.

I'm still watching. No experience myself, but soon will be helping out a friend when the sad time comes, has been very interesting reading and will try my hardest to be as much of a help as I can. So sorry to read of everyone's sad experiences, thank you for sharing to allow the rest of us to hopefully be able to be as useful as possible. I can't begin to imagine how devastating it must be.

Bumping this thread up for those who are supporting bereaved parents. Perhaps we could regularly bump this just in case x

I think regularly bumping this thread is a great idea. So many souls are lost too frequently. We've had a few new tragedies on MN and I am sure there are more out there than we know about. On my side of the world a beautiful 21 year old just passed away having returned from holiday with an illness. There is just too much unnecessary loss in the world.

Bump.

Also, another thing. Please don't think I'm going to want to make a fuss of your baby. Babies are lovely, I do like them, I still just feel very sad when I'm seeing yours. Please don't think that you have to hide away from me, but just remember that I might want to talk about something else/not make a fuss of baby/or be reminded of the total awkwardness everyone feels when they see me near a baby.

Did anyone see the thread I had to get pulled the other day? A whole thread that I could have added here.

LC1's TA up in arms because we never told them about my eldest (who died shortly after birth). Not because my daughter was upset at school, she was discussing family composition with her friend and said "I have a sister who lives in Heaven..." other pupil repeated it to TA, all rather matter of fact.

The replies to the thread were worthy of this one as was the email from MNHQ telling me I was being too sensitive.

I'm not comparing miscarriage to a later loss, but it did upset me when a friend referred to my losses as "misfires".

That is terrible greyhound. And completely insensitive.

Greyhound, my miscarriage was the worst thing that ever happened to me until my daughter died. Don't feel you have to justify yourself. Certainly when it comes to how people react to it you have as much right to be hurt as any of us.

Thanks Mojito and Confuddled. He really was a clueless prat.

Just had someone tell me unless I've lost two I won't understand what she's going through. Was said quite nasty, she was angry that I dared to tell her I'd buried a child.