What not to say to a bereaved parent. Or what you can say and do to help.

[thedaymylifestoodstill]

Morning

I thought this would be a good thread to start, to offer practical advice and help to those who are trying to support a bereaved parent, from the words of those who have suffered the loss of a child.

It's also a place where we can say the worst of what's been said to us, so you can understand what not to say.

As a parent of a lost child, I can safely say that the help of others, who step into my pain for a while and figuratively hold my hand, helps me to continue. So if ever this happens to someone you know, you can provide help, assistance and love through it all.

I'll start.

What not to say You can have another
What not to say Maybe next time you'll have a boy
What not to say Think positively
What not to say I've never even had a miscarriage so I've no idea how you feel
What not to say Well at least you've got other children

What you can say I'm here
What you can do Give a hug. Don't offer platitudes.
What you can do Listen
What you can do Take food round
What you can do Say the name of the child

Anyway, it would be good to hear what other wise words other parents may have to offer (apologies if this thread has started before) xx

[Mum1369]

Have to second the flowers
I know this will be down to the individual, but I absolutely couldn't bear the flowers. I kept having to answer the door in tears, and the delivery person always thinks that the delivery is going to be a lovely surprise for someone
I know it sounds horribly ungrateful but I used to take them at the front door, march through the house to the back door and hurl them into the garden, it was quite a sight
They were my absolute undoing

[Spottedchinchilla]

Or the fuckwit friend of DH who sent him a curt 'sorry for your loss' the week it happened

And two weeks later 'mate you don't happen to have a drill I could borrow?'

Sensitive

[Spottedchinchilla]

And fucking DH dropped round the fucking drill because he is nice, and it is yet to be fucking returned

[confuddledDOTcom]

This is one my OH did and his friend's response was like the two of them had swapped place.

Standing at cemetary talking after the burial. OH goes up to his friend and says "I'm sorry I didn't get there [he plays D&D games] on Saturday, I hope I'm [meaning his character] not dead" his friend stood there totally and said he didn't think this was really the place to talk about it!

[expatinscotland]

I've told this before, but I had some random woman, I still have no idea how she got my mobile number, rang me a few days after DD1's death to tell me she was sorry she hadn't come to the funeral (I hadn't noticed) but she couldn't bear it as she had a son DD1's age.

Thank you for sharing that. Now fuck off.

[davidjrmum]

Totally agree about the flowers. I had a mc after 7 years of IVF and was absolutely devastated. When a delivery man turned up at the door with flowers from people at work it just felt so wrong.

[Millie2013]

I was shocked before at some of the comments, but now I've had time to read, I really appreciate what you have shared, re what's helpful. I often struggle with what to say, but now I have a lot more insight, so thank you so much to you all and I am so, so sorry for what you have endured xx

[rhetorician]

some of these comments are incredible; but thanks for all the suggestions. I have a colleague whose 10 year old daughter died last May. Even little things must be so so painful for her - she asked me how my girls are, and you say "oh fine" (painful), or "DD2 has tonsillitis" (so what, she is alive), "it's half term" (child dead and not at school). I walk away from every conversation kicking myself. We do talk about her daughter sometimes, and how she and her husband are coping (amazingly), but as she says really, at this stage it's all a performance really. I am sorry that so many of you are in a position to give such advice, but terribly grateful for it too

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

My big one don't - the inane but sigh ally acceptable question of "How ARE you?" Especially by someone who hadn't really bothered (read - scared) to talk to me in the initial few weeks after Mia died. That enraged me on two fronts. Firstly, why would I want to share my innermost feelings with someone who hadn't been on this terrible journey with me. Secondly, did they really want to know??? A few times, I told them. I said how did they expect to be, having watched my daughter die, having no purpose in life, knowing I would never see her little smile again. Unsurprisingly, they stopped asking.

A DO - keep sending texts, emails and messages with offers of help or activities, or just saying you are thinking of me. Even better, when you have a memory or experience which evokes a memory of Mia. I love hearing other people talk about her. It means she existed for others as well as us.

[thedaymylifestoodstill]

I have received cards saying "I hope you are feeling a bit better…." and "these things take time" "but you have other DC".

Sigh.

Those well meaning, but nevertheless damaging comments send me into a tailspin. A very tearful tailspin. I do now tactfully try and say that I will never be better in this respect. I know the cards are well meaning and I do very much appreciate the gesture, but saying all that and "these things" makes me think what things? What is a thing? A child?

Which is why I am now as tactfully honest as I can be. I know it can be hard to write a card to someone who has lost a child, I know the intention was good, but I have to say, because I think I'm only being honest about how I'm feeling and I also think it is better for the other person to know how I'm feeling too, rather than gloss over it all.

Big big sigh

[Mojito100]

Silly lass, how uncaring people can be. I was sorry to hear of your experiences. You don't choose to have mh issues just like no one chooses to lose a loved one. There are so many caring people in the world yet there appear to be so many who don't know how to respond or even have an awareness of issues others may be facing. It is challenging for all

[confuddledDOTcom]

rhetorician, you're allowed to appreciate, not appreciate, have rough days or whatever with your own children! I have four LC and I have days I despair! I have days I want to strangle them... honestly losing one makes me appreciate them but it doesn't make it easier to be a parent. Your friend probably likes the mundane everydayness of talking about your children or she wouldn't ask. It's when people try to "empathise" based on their own things that upsets people or change the conversation from bereaved Mummy to their moan.

[rhetorician]

thanks confuddled - I think she wouldn't ask if she didn't want to hear the answer, and I wouldn't dream of just launching into whatever yadda yadda unless she brought the kids up. They live in a small village and I know that they had their daughter's classmates (small class of 10, maybe) round on her birthday, but so so hard for them

[LousterTheRooster]

theday Thank you for starting this thread, if only to make me realise that some of the things I hear aren't just heard by me alone. My 15 year old son died 12 weeks ago today. I suppose the thing I get asked most is 'you look upset, what's wrong?' ... I don't know how to respond to that. What am I supposed to say? I know a lot of the time it's just a stock phrase, something to say, but it does leave me questioning how long people expect me to grieve. I want to tell them that I'll always be upset, that I'll never stop grieving but I end up mumbling something like 'oh well, you know ...'. A couple of very good friends have said this to me and also my mum! I know they don't mean to be so unfeeling, that they're just concerned about me at that particular time (I.e. Has anything else happened that day to make me more upset ) but it's something I don't need to be asked, nothing can ever be more upsetting than losing your child. Some people, however, simply do not care about our feelings. Because my son committed suicide, they seem to believe he has gone to hell. I want to scream at them that mental health and suicide is not bound by religion, that it can happen to anyone, in any culture and within all religions. But I don't. It just confirms to me how ignorant some people are. I've had a lot of 'time will heal, things will get better, you're being so brave and strong'. It won't heal, it won't get better, I'm not brave or strong. I'm a bereaved mother, I have other children who need me, I'm on autopilot, I'm simply existing. Having said all that, I have beautiful friends. I know they care about us, I know they think of us constantly, even when they can't be here with us. I get several messages each week saying simply 'I'm thinking about you, I'm still here'. And although I know they don't know exactly how we feel, the fact that they call or message means a great deal.

Ok, felt good to say all that and I'm sure that over the coming days I'll remember other things that people have said to us Xx

[Mojito100]

Louster - I'm sorry for your loss.

[Pawprint]

A member of my family told my parents that they should be relieved that my sister died as she was a burden.

[Pawprint]

I've had beloved pets die and had miscarriages. Very sad indeed. Not, however, the same as a child dying.

The pets died because they were old, ill or killed in an accident. I miss them, but not with the relentless agony of losing a child.

Whilst I accept that miscarriage is not the same as losing a baby later on or losing a child, I do bristle a bit when people dismiss miscarriage as being not a real loss.

[expatinscotland]

Louster, I'm very sorry for your loss. 12 weeks is so early on the journey. I am 20 months on from the death of DD1, age 9, from cancer and it's no time at all.

You just start tuning out comments like this.

[Pawprint]

Louster I'm so sorry that your beloved son died. My sister's death was also suicidal. I had to restrain myself from posting a very angry message to a Facebook friend who was pontificating about suicide being a sin. Pompous, stupid arse.

[Chottie]

Louster - I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. x.

[Pawprint]

That's awful, Silly. The poor lady must have been hurt by that.