5 weeks since losing my dad and today was his birthday

[snowyowl70]

5 weeks ago my lovely dad collapsed and died aged 66 completely turning my life upside down . Today would have been his birthday and it seems too soon to have to cope with the first special day/anniversary etc. Have got through today but been difficult as I work with mainly old people and have listened to too many today telling me how awful old age is - at least they made it to old age !! Feeling very downcast today - please tell me that things improve because I don't think I can live with the huge heaviness I have inside me just now :(

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, did you spend some time talking to your family or friends today?

Would you like to share some stories about your dad?

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad, what s shock for you. Have you considered bereavement counselling?

So sorry to hear of your loss . I lost my dad in December so am in a similar position . My initial grief at losing dad has turned into worrying about my mom a lot of the time . Think I am blocking out my feelings for dad as it's too painful so I just feel numb which I guess is not healthy . Do you still have your mum I find it helps to talk about dad share memories with her and look at old photos . I think you need to just be kind to yourself perhaps you need a bit of time off work ?

Thanks everyone . As I am self employed time off work is difficult as you don't get any income if you don't work ! Am enjoying 3 days off this week as it is half term here - I really wish I had taken time off just after he died as I feel my emotions are just catching up on me now. I was in such a state of shock and getting through the initial horrors of identifying his body and planning a funeral that the reality of life without him is just hitting home. I find talking with my mum very difficult as she , understandably, gets upset and I feel I have to be strong for her. I haven't lost it in front of her or my kids and have saved my tears until everyone is tucked up in bed at night - only my hubby has witnessed my distress - my 18 year old did hear me at the weekend and sent me a lovely message on Facebook after I was in bed !!

You sound as if you're having to be very strong for your mum and your children. Do you get any time to reflect and look after your own well-being? I hope so.

My friends lost their Dad to cancer a few years ago, it helps them to fund raise for Marie Curie, who looked after him. Immediately after his death (it was Christmas), they went abroad to get some space from the immediate surroundings - I think it helped.

It's very early days for you: you will go through lots of emotions, but yes, things will improve for you, in time. In the meantime, it is important and very natural that you should grieve for someone you loved. The strength of your emotions now is a measure of how much you loved your dad and what a special relationship you had with him. It would have been wonderful to be able to enjoy him for much longer, but one day you will be able to look back on all that you shared, and all that he was and celebrate that.

I think that the Victorians had a good idea in mourning for a year after someone close to them passed away. They didn't expect to recover from loss immediately, but took that year of first birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas etc to feel sad, and to be aware of their loss. In our modern world we expect to move through life so much quicker than that. You may not need a year, but you should take as much time as you need. Allow yourself to feel sad, and to miss him. Allow yourself space to talk about him, to visit places that you went together, and to look at photos. Let your children see how you are feeling too, if you can. It shows them that you loved him and that parting from someone makes you feel sad. That's OK. It's a sad, but real part of life and a very real part of how you are feeling now.

And yy to bereavement counselling if you can. Thoroughly recommend the wonderful people at Cruse.

HTH

I am so sorry for your loss. He clearly was very loved

Hi Snowy, so sorry to hear about your dad and right now you will be consumed with grief. You ask if things will get any better and in the long run yes they will, but sadly this will never leave you.

I lost my mam 7 years ago when she was only 58 and for 2 years I just felt like dying myself. I had Christmas to deal with just a month later, but it was just really going through the motions.
I always visit the cemetery on her birthday and funnily enough on my own birthday. I found for the first couple of years that anticipating the dread of the actual birthday / Mother's Day etc was worse than the actual day. If something hugely exciting happens even now like DD passing driving test or getting into uni, I visit the cemetery even for a few minutes - I suppose it probably makes me feel as though my mam is still included. I know that may sound silly.
I would really try not to bottle things up, your emotions have to come out eventually. It's already been said but with deep love comes deep pain.
Your mam may think that you are coping so well since you are trying to keep it together for her but sometimes it can be comforting I think to have a good cry together.
Please take good care of yourself.