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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

To feel like a murderer

76 replies

TheWorstPain · 20/02/2014 16:19

I have never known pain like this
I feel like my life is over

My child was stillborn recently and I feel like I killed her. So many things I didn't do 'right' in pregnancy through ignorance or being too blasé about it all. We don't know why she died yet.

The main thing that's worrying me is that I had a few rare steaks and medium burgers. One just before she died. I've now read about toxiplasmosis and how it can cause stillbirth and I just had no idea. I thought the worst you could get with undercooked meat was a nasty bout of vomiting. I didn't realise there were direct risks to my unborn child. And I consider myself educated and well read up on pregnancy. How could I be so stupid.

I also didnt know there was a listeria risk from pre packaged sandwiches, bagged salad and cold meat. I do now.

I've convinced myself that it was one of these things that killed her, in the absence of any other solid findings. She was just healthy and fine one minute, and dead the next.

If I find out it was something I did, I really don't know how I can go on feeling like a baby-killer.

My heart is breaking. I feel like the unluckiest person in the world.

OP posts:

HadABadDay2014 · 20/02/2014 20:48

Your daughter sounds beautiful.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/02/2014 20:59

This happened because life is not fair. You did nothing to provoke it. Listeriosis is incredibly rare, my GP recently told me she'd never seen a case of it. You would have been unwell I'm sure, if it was that.

Please be kind to yourself. The sadness of your loss will never leave you, but it will be easier to cope in time.

moonriverandme · 20/02/2014 21:02

I am so sorry about the loss of your baby. I am sure that nothing you did caused the loss of your daughter. In my experience it is human nature to try and find a reason for the loss of a baby, and very common for mums to blame themselves in some way. I still blame myself, even though in my head I know that it was not anything I did, just a cruel, devastating thing to happen. I do not think you ever get over the loss of your baby, you just come to terms with it and learn to live with it. You will never forget your daughter, she will be a much loved part of your life and memories.
Be kind to yourself and take care. Talk to whoever will listen, it helps to sort things out in your mind. There are sometimes no answers for your loss unfortunately. Thinking of you.

LST · 20/02/2014 21:03

I am so sorry for your loss op

I have no words xx

zumm · 20/02/2014 21:17

I understand where you are coming from. I felt my dc died because I painted my nails & used a certain sort of (possibly toxic?) face cream. op: you would tell me this is not so, or that plenty of people paint their nails and don't lose their baby. I hope you can hear what everyone is saying to you. The grief is beyond and above - so sorry for your loss.

Dwerf · 20/02/2014 21:19

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think the guilt is part of the grieving process, you have no answers as to why this tragedy happened and the easiest thing is to blame yourself, because you were carrying her. I hope you get some answers and find a little peace. This isn't your fault, this isn't your doing. xx

Original poster

TheWorstPain · 20/02/2014 21:26

Thank you all again
I just keep thinking what if, what if the results come back and say it was something I ate. How do I go on knowing that the only reason she isn't here now is because of a piece of fucking steak or a salad??

My life until this happened was lovely. I was the happiest person in the world. Now I would swap places with almost anyone. I think I'm one of the saddest people on earth tonight, and probably always will be.

I am so sorry to hear of all your tragic losses and I admire all your bravery so much

OP posts:

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 20/02/2014 21:41

TheWorstPain ask them to check for Strep B
It's something I knew nothing about, my DS (now 14) was born after I was ill for a week (he was a week late) and they did every swab and blood test under the sun. Kept asking "have you been abroad? Have you eaten cheese/liver/blue cheese"

I only found out by chance a year or so later.

It won't bring your precious baby back but the information will be useful if you plan to have another baby when the time is right.

- but you cannot go through the heartbreak of self blame after the heartbreak of what you have been through.
People do allsorts in pregnancy and eat a whole manner of things.
Once you get the results, at least that question will be answered.
Take care.

ScaredToBeHonest · 20/02/2014 21:56

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. Please don't torture yourself, I very much doubt it was anything you did or didn't do. Life is just so bloody unfair sometimes.

Heebiejeebie · 20/02/2014 22:00

Oh darling. Sometimes people control their sorrow by hiding it behind a big lump of guilt. Find your own way but please know, there is literally no one else in the billion people on earth who would think that you should feel responsible.

SugarplumKate · 20/02/2014 22:04

Sweetheart, it is not your fault. Please, please talk to someone at Sands or Tommys. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter xxxxx

curiousgeorgie · 20/02/2014 22:09

I am so so sorry for your loss. I'm sure feeling like this is normal and part of the grieving process.

I am so sure you did nothing wrong, sadly things like this happen to people who do everything right, unfair and awful as it is.

As other posters have said, speaking to someone at SANDS might be really useful xxx

OwlinaTree · 20/02/2014 22:13

I'm so sorry OP. We lost our first born at 3 days old due to birth complications.

This is a stage in your grief, you go over everything you did during the pg, trying to work out where it went wrong. Chances are, sadly that there would have been nothing you could have done or should have done differently. It's just terrible, terrible bad luck.

You are not at fault here. You loved your child and would do anything to have her with you now. Please do consider SANDS for support. The bereavement midwives at our hospital offered us good support too. There's a thread on the conception talk page for angels and rainbows, I found a lot of support on there too.

You need time to grieve now, give yourself that time. There will be many on here thinking of you tonight.

pamelat · 20/02/2014 22:16

You are not to blame.

Sorry for your loss x

OxfordBags · 20/02/2014 22:52

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I won't insult you by pretending that I understand the pain you are in, BUT I will add to all the voices here to reassure you that you are not responsible for your precious LO's death.

When something terrible happens, we feel so powerless, so confused and so out of control, and we search for reasons, we try to claw at anything to feel some sort of control in the situation, even if it is something awful. This is what you are doing now - torturing yourself with the notion that you are responsible is giving you a feeling of control in the events, even though that very notion is destroying you.

As others have said, you would have been very ill had you contracted something that had affected your baby. A very small number of women will get ill (and not nec. even lose their child) from consuming certain things - the medical profession has to cover every possibility when talking about risks, as they do not want even a tiny number of women and babies to be adversely affected. And even if a tiny number of women lose their babies due to problems with certain foods, then it's not their 'fault'. They wanted their babies, they did nothing wrong.

Think about the sorts of conditions the majority of the world's population live in, or even their diets. If eating certain things could cause stillbirths so easily, then it'd be absolutely endemic; it'd be more common, in fact, to have a stillbirth than a live birth.

I know you are in incredible pain, but please try not to make it even worse with this self-blaming. My heart truly goes out to you.

Mim78 · 20/02/2014 23:11

You haven't killed her. It was just a terrible tragedy. So sorry for your loss.

Women in pregnancy eat those things all of the time. It is so unlikely that this is what caused her still birth.

Wantsunshine · 20/02/2014 23:13

You are not to blame, so sorry for you loss x

JockTamsonsBairns · 20/02/2014 23:18

What oxford said. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't blame yourself, the trauma you're going through right now is too awful for words - but please be kind to yourself. I wish you peace

Original poster

TheWorstPain · 21/02/2014 13:28

Thank you everyone, it's unbelievably kind of you to reply, I really can't thank you enough and I wish I was able to send you all a message individually but I have read and reread every post over and over again

Had a bit of a meltdown last night, which was quite frightening, and my husband is off work making calls today to try and help me access a bit more support while we wait for the PM results. I just want to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over (not that it ever will be)

OP posts:

CailinDana · 21/02/2014 13:36

You will always miss her but it won't always be this hard. It will get easier.

She sounds gorgeous. Do you have photos you can look at?

Supercosy · 21/02/2014 13:55

Your daughter sounds absolutely beautiful. I'm so sorry.

As everyone has said i'ts not your fault, it really isn't. I know people who have knowingly taken huge risks during their pregnancy, such as getting drunk regularly and taking recreational drugs and their babies have been born well. I also know people who have been really careful in pregnancy and their babies have been still born or ill. I wouldn't wish this on anyone at all but you have been unbelievably unlucky (that word just doesn't seem to cover the magnitude of your misfortune I know).

I'm so sorry that you are going through this and I hope you will feel able to come here for support in the months ahead. Massive hugs to you x

MNHQ

AmyMumsnet · 21/02/2014 16:28

Hi TheWorstPain,

We're so so sorry to hear of what you're going through and we're sending you and all other posters who have shared their stories our dearest wishes.

We've moved this to bereavement for you.

MrsWolowitz · 21/02/2014 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/02/2014 17:30

People are being kind because you deserve it. It's clear how much you loved your little girl and how you would never have done anything to harm her. This was not your fault.

fromparistoberlin · 26/02/2014 21:55

oh my poor darling

stillbirth is a tragedy, but to then read you are blaming yourself...

I am so sorry, and you are NOT a murderer

RIP xxx

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