Can anyone tell me about guilt (stillbirth)

[RainIsTooLoud]

I have posted under a different name recently but starting afresh today

I had a stillbirth not too long ago. I just can't move past the guilt. I did properly register that my child had not been moving until very late in the day and I feel terrible thinking a few hours earlier could have saved her life. There is no explanation for her death as of yet.

I don't think there is much anyone can say to make me feel less guilty or responsible. I do. But I need to move forward from this useless emotion so I can be present for my other children and partner (right now I'm so tortured by guilt, I can barely get out of bed).

So...how do I do this? Releasing myself from the guilt feels like getting myself off the hook and dishonouring my child and minimising the distress she may have suffered and the fact that she won't get to live her life because of me. I don't feel I deserve to feel ok - at all. But as I say, my poor living children and partner will suffer because of this, so I just have to find a way to let it go.

What works? CBT? Specific counselling/books or can anyone assure me from experience that the passage of time will make the guilt less intense. I have to know that I can overcome this

Thank you System, will check it out, and will PM you Cazb
sorry to reply so late - I've only just seen these posts

Just wanted to let you know that it is very normal to feel guilty and that you let your baby down. All these years later all these memories of falls I had and mistakes I made are coming up and haunting me. If I had known better I would have done better. We all wish we could go back in time and change what happened.

First of all, I want to say that I am truly sorry for your loss! It’s been 4 years since you posted this and I would love to talk to you and know how you have changed and evolved both for yourself and for your family since this occurred! Second, I want to applaud you and thank you for expressing yourself in the way you did! Basically every word you wrote is exactly how I am Feeling right now!

Let me introduce myself, my name is Emma. I live in Virginia. I lost my son Nicolas at 33 weeks on 10/24/2020. I had a placenta eruption and it was very unexpected, no concerns in my pregnancy until the day before it happen on 10/23 was my last appointment and I was supposed to go back to the hospital that Monday 10/26... Unfortunately, We never made it to that appointment.

My body experienced some bad trauma, I had a seizure and lost lots of blood during the whole thing, but all that didn’t matter to me, it still doesn’t because I am drowned in guilt! From whay could I have done differently, to why did I get to make it and my son not!? He was a perfectly healthy boy??! My blood pressure was just high that day and all of a sudden made my placenta burst!?!? Like what!?! The crazy part is 10 years ago with my daughter, I had the exact same
Thing happen :(
I had preeclampsia in my first pregnancy 10 years ago. Silly me, i thought because 10 years had passed that my body had recovered and I was in better health and took care of myself better, but I guess not!
Except with her my doctor had sent me to the hospital at 30 weeks And he diagnosed me with preeclampsia. When my placenta erupted with my daughter, I was lucky enough to already be at the hospital and they were able to save me and my daughter! This time I wasn’t so lucky!

I came across your post just googling all kinda of things. Today is 12/3, and tomorrow 12/4 is my birthday :(
How can I celebrate my birthday knowing my baby boy is not here!!?? Knowing I will never get to celebrate his birthday!!?
I am trying Soooo hard to be strong for my husband and my daughter but my God it is so hard!!!

I apologize, it has been 6 years from your post in August 2014, forgive me. It doesn’t matter how long a loss is a loss and losing our babies will always feel Like yesterday!😢

Nicosmom20 im so sorry for you loss. I am so sorry for all your losses ladies. I just lost my perfect baby boy not even a month ago 11/11/20 due to true knot in his cord. At 38 weeks just a week before planned c section. My birthday is coming soon on 13th of December. I am hearth broken and i see no future... And guilty too and so anxious and deeprest and so empty and lonely inside me.this emptiness is so hard i dont know how to handle it....

Milita123- thank you! My deepest condolences! I want to believe that are beautiful angel babies are up in heaven playing with one another and looking down on us, their mothers, and that they know we wish more than anything that we could have them here! Our lives have been changed forever... I mean just when you think this year can’t get any worse... boom! 😞
As someone who is going thru this myself, I am NO expert and no one to give advice, all I can say is that you are not alone! There are people, moms, like me, who understand your deep pain! What is your boy’s name?
Have you thought about writing to him? I got a journal from my sister that says “letters to my baby in heaven”. It has helped me! I write everything i feel in there, everything I wish I could say to my sweet boy! I don’t care how crazy I may seem, I talk to him all the time! I don’t care how much I cry, I don’t try to hold it in anymore and I hope you don’t! As women and moms many times we put others first or worry about everything else around us before we take care of ourselves... please remember no matter how upset we get at ourselves or anything/anyone... we must remind ourselves that we are still beautiful, we are the strongest women that there could be on this earth! Some days are worse than others!! Between feeling guilty, mad, hurt and on the other hand trying to get back to “normal”...We must keep in mind that we don’t “handle” this or get over it... we learn to live with this... that the pain one day will dull... we will remember our babies FOREVER! So yes, I know you will cry on your birthday as I did, and this holiday season will feel like the most dreadful thing not being able to take pictures or make memories as we had planned... but I try to think that my baby boy would not want me to be sad... he would want his mommy to keep her head up and just take things day by day! No one can rush you, no one can say anything to you as far as how you need to deal with this! I know I am just someone online, but if you feel like you just need to let it out or talk, please feel free to reach out! I am totally serious! Where others may get “tired” of hearing about your pain or feel overwhelmed because they don’t know what to say and tjehy are eager to see you better, just know I am here... I understand your pain! I miss my boy everyday, I cry everyday! I miss him every day!!!! And I will not get tired of talking about it or hearing about it! I don’t know if you have any religious preference, but if you wouldn’t mind I would love to pray for you, for your son and for your family! Take care!

Thank you so much. His name is Kevin :) i was contacted by some woman today who lost 3 children and it made me feel so... I dont know not better but i was thinking that some people have worse than me. Even if this is the worst what ever happened to me.im going to see her soon after ill start driving as im still recovering after my c section. Theres a women centre in the town and they offered me a help once ive told them what happened.