Prg after baby loss feeling confused and miserable

[Manoo]

In March I lost a baby at 17 weeks (had to terminate as he had a fatal abnormality). It was a strange and confusing time - I had had heavy bleeding in Jan and had thought I'd miscarried, so didn't realise I was still pregnant (although kept wondering why symptoms hadn't gone, and hoping).
Two weeks after my partner proposed to me, and we then organised a wedding in a short space of time (which stressed me out). I then became pregnant on our honeymoon, and am now around 6 weeks pregnant.
Confusingly, I feel utterly joyless about this. When the two lines came up on the stick I felt flat and deflated. We already have one lovely ds (now 3), and even before my last pregnancy, I was never 100% sure if I wanted another child - my partner desperately wants one and I suppose I felt it was the thing to do (for him, and to give ds a sibling). Last time when I did my pregnancy test (for the baby I lost, Ivo), I felt a huge amount of joy and delight when it came up positive - and a huge amount of grief and woe when I had what I thought was a miscarriage, and then when I discovered I was still pregnant but with a baby that wouldn't be able to live.
I can't work myself out, and can't understand why I feel so miserable about this pregnancy. I can't tell whether it's just (just?!) fear about losing this baby/he/she being seriously disabled/me having another traumatic birth (I nearly died after birth of ds1). Or whether I really simply just don't want another child (I am an only child and do find it hard to imagine a relationship with two children).
I'm also struggling with the hormones of early pregnancy, which always make me utterly miserable, I'm just crying all the time and feeling like I don't want to feel like this and that I just want life to go back to 'normal'. I keep considering a termination, but don't know if this is just the fear/hormones talking, or whether underneath it all is what I really want.
Anyway, just felt the need to get some of this off my chest - can't tell dp as would upset him too much I think.

really really feel for you Manoo....
I had a miscarriage in April 05 and we have been trying to conceive ever since. I'm now 11 weeks pregnant and wondering if we've done the right thing.... I keep having nightmaey thoughts baout miscarriages and still births and it's horrible. But I'm hoping that once I start feeling less sick and exhausted, I will be more positive.
Having a baby is such an emotional time anyway - hormones and everything whizzing everywhere and you have it double worse since you've only recently lost your baby.
Be gentle on yourself and come on here to "chat" as, I at least, seem to find people who know what I mean and I don't want to upset my friends and family.

Manoo, I am 30 weeks pregnant after terminating a pregnancy for foetal abnomality in March 05. I have found this pregnancy impossibly difficult at times, so I know where you are coming from I think. I have found it very hard to seperate the new pregnancy from the previous one. In my case I have had counselling through the hospital-have only been a few times but it has helped me address the complicated feelings pregnancy brings (such as how I shouldn't be pregnant now, should not be having this baby as should have had another, worried about problems with the pregnancy/birth, feeling isolated as everyone seems to think it is all OK because I am pregnant again etc.) Sometimes I almost shock myself when I have articulated how I am feeling, but personally I do think it helps. Really just wanted to say hang on in there-I think many women in the same situation as us do struggle with a new pregnancy.

Thank you Tommy and Majormoo - it's reassuring to know that other people who have suffered baby loss have confusing feelings about pregnancy too.

Majormoo - I know you what you mean about other people thinking it's all OK cause you're pregnant again - I haven't told many people but can already see this coming, and feel guilty that I don't feel happy about being pregnant again. Interesting to hear that you find the counselling helpful - I haven't been for the hospital counselling but the offer is still open to me and I'm thinking of taking it up. I'm just a bit scared of falling to pieces there, or shocking the woman with my angry negative feelings.

Manoo-you won't shock her with your feelings. Nothing I came out with surprised the woman I saw-don't mean to sound flippant but they have heard it all before in one way or another! There are obviously no quick fixes and perhaps is isn't for everyone, but when I went it helped me make sense of how I was feeling, so I would recommend giving it a try. It was really tiring though and I found myself in tears last time I went most of the way through. She said to me that it is important to recognise and give attention to these things now, that way they can be dealt with as it were, before the baby arrives. I think it can be hard to deal with these things as you go about your daily life, as there doesn't always seem to be the space to address things that you need to. Either way, you can always come on here if you need to chat, for a bit of support.

hi manoo,
i had two ectopic pregnancies which were operated on at around 6 and 7 weeks, so i wasn't pregnant for very long, really.

but i really grieved for those babies-that-might-have-been-mine, regardless of the length of time i'd known about them. to know for 17 weeks and then go on to lose your baby must be horrific.

so i just wanted to say that although my experiences aren't particularly similar to yours, when i saw the two lines for my DD i started shaking and crying, but out of fear rather than joy. i was petrified, because for me being pregnant equalled pain and suffering and grief.

apart from my close friends and family i didn't tell people i was pregnant until they asked, indeed because my bump wasn't big many people didn't know i was ever pregnant.

i really think majormoo has given you some excellent advice, to go and talk through your feelings with someone at the hospital. it's something i probably should've done myself. and of course tommy is right that you can find people here to talk to as well.

you have been through a terrible, terrible loss, made all the worse i imagine because you will have had to sign that damn leaflet they give you to terminate the pregnancy (i had to do it twice, of course) when it's really the last thing you want to do but you know you have to.

perhaps these feelings are leaking into your occasionally thinking about terminating this pregnancy, who knows? one thing's for sure, it is hard to get your head round having a healthy pregnancy when you have had one that wasn't...

i hope you do get to speak to someone, manoo, and i hope it is a relief when you do... good luck

Manoo what you're feeling is completely normal IMO. Even though I'm 32 wks with my second, I do still frequently cry a bit when I think about my first baby who we found had a fatal condition at the 12 wk scan. Unlike you I couldn't go through with a termination even though baby had a fatal condition - my DH is a buddhist and also personally I felt it was right to allow nature to take it's course, however there was a sense of relief when I m/c at 16 wks as I knew it meant less suffering for our child. I found out I was pg again 10 wks later - I'd not even had a period. Getting pg again so soon was very hard, I was still grieving for the other baby and we'd not been planning it at all. The most heartbreaking thing I felt was almost wishing I'd miscarry agin because I didn't know if I could cope with a baby. I had very complicated feelings right up until the end of the pg and I'm not going to lie and say it was all alright the moment I held DS, but it was worth it and I do love him. He's now 21 months and absolutely lights up my life, I can't imagine him not being here.

Hang in there, give yourself time to grieve properly for your other baby too and don't feel guilty about having mixed emotions. Whether you realise it or not you probably have underlying anxiety about whether this baby will be ok which may be stopping you from wanting to feel attached to it just yet. Wait till your scan and you see everythings ok before you make any decisions.

Hi Manoo
When I first fell pregnant with my first pregnancy I suffered a miscarriage at about 10 weeks,and was told to leave it 8 weeks before trying again.Anyway i fell pregnant straight away with my dd but remember feeling a sense of dread when did the test and it came out positive,I didnt even go to the gps and have it confirmed till I was 12 weeks gone,even after that had some bleeding but i just numbly dealt with it all.All throught the pregnancy I was almost in denial,if you get what I mean,and didnt actually believe I would have a baby till I went into labour.
I think,well in my experience anyway,it was my emotional way of dealing with it.

I hope things get better for you [hugs]

Dear Manoo --

So sorry to hear about your loss. I also had to terminate at 20 wks due to fatal abnormality. Robert was to be our 2nd baby. I went on to have another DS (now 2) along with DD (5). My pregnancy with DS was really straightforward, however because of the previous loss, was constantly monitored and really scared and stressed. Maybe telling your DP will help my DH was my rock through it all, even if it did upset him. Hormomes are really hard to deal with expecially when they are so up and down.

Hang in there. Email if you want a chat / person to dump on.