Haven't been on here for ages - just got back from a week sunning myself in Crete! Feeling very relaxed and at peace with myself (if that doesn't sound too tossy!!)
Initially in May after I lost the second baby at 16 weeks (first lost at 25 weeks)I desperately needed to know why it had happened. I coulnd't believe it was coincidence...to have two babies die consecutively within a six month period seems too bizarre. Also the fact that my body wasn't rejecting the babies...both discovered at scans.
Anyway, had the post mortem results back and again there is no reason found for the deaths. I had 3 private appointments set up with different specialists to try and find a reason. But DH and I have done a hell of a lot of soul searching and thinking seriously about what we have got (an amazing 4 yr old boy and a fab marriage) and we have decided we don't want any more children.
There is too much at stake for me - I cannot put my body through it again and certainly can't put my mind through it or my family through it. It was too awful and second time round it really hit us hard - all of us.
Even if we could find out what the problem is and if it could be solved, no one could ever say to us that we would be guarenteed a healthy pregnancy, simple birth and healthy baby. I don't want a baby enough to go through anything else going wrong.
What has happened has almost been a godsend - I have always felt I wasn't the mother I wanted to be for DS, always assumed I would have two children with a two year gap. I simply coulnd't do that as I was so wrecked by my experience of having ds that it took me 3 years to pluck up courage to get pregnant again. I have had two terrible experiences and I cannot do it again. I actually feel like the most enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders - I don't HAVE to have another child. I don't have to worry about childbirth and sleepless nights and nappies and potty training and projectile vomit ever again. My ds is 4 now and we can communicate and I'm starting to really enjoy him properly for the first time in his life. I owe it to him now to really concentrate on him and appreciate him and to see just how lucky I am.
I will have great sadness from time to time about not having the brother or sister for ds I always thought we'd have. And for not having the chance to do it 'properly' and be the calm, confident mum i always wanted to be. But i'm an only child and a lot of ds's friends are only children and there are so many positives to being an only child.
So that's where we are at the moment. I had the hardest thing ever a couple of weeks ago - I had to scatter the ashes of my second dead baby - it just felt too surreal, too sad and felt so final this time, having decided what we have decided. But so glad it's done - we said goodbye and now we are looking forward and planning all the exciting things we can do knowing finally that we have got our family now. This is it, this is us and we are very lucky.
Sorry if this all sounds rambly or over dramatic - but it's been one hell of a roller coaster. Just glad that I seem to be keeping my head above water and that we've made a positive decision that we feel happy with. There is so much to look forward to.
Just wanted to thank everyone on MN who has been so wonderfully supportive and kind to me since November...i have appreciated it enormously.
dhw
xx