Really worried about taking my dc to nannys funeral

[lia66]

My mil passed away at the weekend after suffering a stroke two weeks ago.

The illness was a shock and due to having 4 dc of 10 and under plus two teens, coupled with the fact that we live almost 4 hrs away, I didn't get to see her and say goodbye. I set off on Sunday but she died whilst we were en route :(

My 10 yr old is being do brave, when I first told them that the doctors couldn't make nanny better he got all watery eyed but didn't actually cry. I'm surprised as he's the sort of child that cries at tv, stories, movies etc. When daddy told them that she'd actually died, none of them cried.

My 8 yr old dd cried at the news initially but my 6 yr old dd who has sensory issues cried so much. I've never actually seen her emotionally upset before, it was very upsetting to witness.

Since then, she's had headaches and been feeling sick. She looks at the photographs that I've put in an envelope of nanny at least once a day.

We also have a 2 yr old.

I really don't want to take them to the funeral, I genuinely think dd will be traumatised. I wouldn't contemplate taking the 2 yr old but she's never been left with anyone without her siblings before.

I'm also worried about how ds will be, I know the bravery is a front.

Also, selfishly, I don't want to worry about them on the day, I haven't said goodbye and would like to just think about me and dh on the day. It's going to be a tough day for him, I can't imagine he'll be able to support the children therefore I'll have to be strong for them.

He wants them there.

It is very much a personal decision.

When my DM died my sis and I took our children to her funeral. Sis and I could not have spoken a word, but my DC, who were teenagers and my DN who was 5 all read verses or poems. We were so proud of them all. My mother's funeral was a celebration of her life and obviously my sis and I planned and organised it all so it was actually a happy day full of memories and sharing.

When my MiL died, I was not involved in the funeral arrangements at all (2 SiLs did this) but again all the GC came and we remembered and celebrated her life.

Personally, I would follow DHs wishes on this. It is his mother and if needs to have his family with him I would respect this. If you have concerns about 2 year old, could you not be at the end of a pew so you could quietly slip out if needed? You are all in shock at the sudden death of your MiL and this may be the first time your DC have experienced the death of someone close to them?

I understand what you're saying but I really don't think dd will cope. She's already having headaches and tummy aches and to be perfectly honest I don't want to sit at the back and go out if smallest dd is disruptive. I want to be with my husband as adults and say goodbye to his dear mum.

I took my DSs to my DM's funeral (mainly due to not having childcare options as it was away from home). MY DB didn't take his DCs as he thought it wasn't really the place for DCs. However, I think it helped my DS to come to terms with it, it's such a huge thing that it's no wonder the DCs don't always react the way you would expect. Being there to say a proper goodbye can help them.

My DCs were told that they needed to sit quietly and listen to what was being said about their nanny and then afterwards we all threw flowers into the grave, including the DCs, with a little message attached to them.

If you can give your DD a little job like that to focus on, handing out flowers or reading a poem etc and tell her its a bit like a school assembly where you have to sit and listen to what's being said and sing songs, it might help.

My maternal DGM passed away when I was seven. I was truly gutted and cried ever such a lot over her death.

My DParents thought it was best if I (and my older brother) didn't go. So we went food shopping and spent time in the arcade with my DDad. Something we had never, ever been allowed to do before.

I absolutely hate the fact I spent my DGM's funeral playing bloody arcade games. Yes I would have been upset, but I still feel it was the wrong decision, nearly 20 odd years later.

Personally I would ask your DC if they want to go.

Dear lia66,
I lost my lovely dad at the weekend. We decided initially we wouldn't take our two sons who are 8 and 6, but then we spoke to the funeral director and he said that children are brilliant at coping at funerals and that they can read a poem or do a picture and for other family and friends, it is a great comfort.

We had a talk last night with them and said it would be a little bit like a sharing assembly at school, but one especially for their granddad, and that people would be happy and sad but we would all tell our stories about him, listen to music and remember him.

They do know his coffin will be there, we asked them about that…then the conversation went off on a tangent with my 6 year old talking about 'dead skeletons' and that granddad could moonwalk (not true!!) which was hilarious and really helped us lighten the mood.

So I think you should consider it, many children are very resilient. Maybe the headaches etc will stop when your daughter has had a chance to say goodbye? At 6, I think they do have a good understanding of life and death and will look to how we adults deal with it.

Someone can always be on hand to comfort them if you and your dh are occupied or very upset.

Wishing you all the best.

My GM died when I was 11 and my DSis was 8. I went to the funeral, but my mother felt my sis was too young and it would be unsetting for her, so she didn't go. Dsis has never forgotten not being allowed to go and say goodbye to her grandma.