Don't know how to react to my mothers death because of our bad relationship

[Littleen]

My mum just passed away from cancer 2 days ago, and I feel very sad about the whole thing. What is making this all the more difficult is that our relationship has been very bad most of my life - though it felt like it had improved when I lived far away. I moved back to my home town, and she resumed her abusive ways in a major way, until her health deteriorated to a point where she didn't seem to have the energy anymore.

The whole issue when she went back to her old ways threw me in to a very deep depression, along with other things (was not just due to this). Thing is - I still loved her and cared for her, even if we didn't get along.

My grief is so complicated, a grief for never being able to mend our relationship - though I know that it wouldn't matter if she lives to 100, she would never change and never apologize. A grief for the rest of my family who are all heartbroken. The abuse was only ever me, and nobody is actually aware, though I have tried to talk to my sister about it (no success, she just excused her). Now I sit here, everyone is praising her memory and I have nothing to say. I have no positive memories at all - though I am hoping they will come to me at some point, I know there are a few far back in my mind. There's some relief knowing I will not endure her behaviour again - and my baby who is due in a few weeks will not have to witness it. But the main feeling is just sorrow and pain, and I don't quite know what to do with myself, or how to feel. I have counselling and a boyfriend I can talk to, but I feel guilty for being angry and two-faced for being sad, as if I am not entitled to it. It's just all so confusing.

Not sure what I want from posting this, I just need to say something to someone.

Many of us will fully understand & empathise.

I can fully empathise. Nothing I can say other than I understand the mixed feelings and you are allowed each of them.

Just feel how you are feeling. And let your boyfriend and counselor help you work through things.

The death of a parent one didn't get along with is a two edged sword. The sadness that the relationship won't ever be repaired and the relief that one isn't going to have to deal with the abuse in the future.

There's nothing wrong with either emotion.

You are entitled to be sad - for the loss of the relationship you had (for what it was worth), and the one you might have had (as the rest of the family seem to have had).

You are grieving for what was and what might have been. No-one can tell you how you should feel - you need to work it through for yourself - be honest with yourself.

Your mum sounds like she had a major problem which she projected onto you for whatever reason - that was not your fault.

All grief is a process with ups and downs - give it time.

Thank you guys.
Today is her funeral, and for me, the worst part so far in the planning of it, has been the fact that I'm the only one she treated badly. So nobody else knows, apart from my OH who has been "fortunate" enough to witness it first hand. Breaks my heart ten times more than the fact she's gone.

I completely sympathize with you. I lost my mother 16 months ago.
I like you had a difficult relationship with her. I always felt like she just didn't like me. I would constantly hear her telling my ds and anyone who ever said something nice about me was yes but she's a bitch. Wtf. I was a child.
Anyway I moved as far away as I could and she never visited. Phone calls went from weekly to Xmas and birthdays then just not at all. She called in 2012 to say she had cancer and had 12 months.
I phoned her but never planned to visit then she deteriorated rapidly. I wanted to visit but couldn't as I felt I'd turned into the little girl again. Needless to say I didn't get the chance.
At the funeral I didn't recognise who the minister was talking about as it sure wasn't my mother. I wanted to yell out that she wasn't like that. She was a liar, deceitful and crap parent that instilled no self worth into her children. I must say her passing was a blessing and a relief and now have a better relationship with my dad because of it. I was never allowed yo talk yo him as she had to be in control.
Sorry this is long. Just wanted to say that unless you have had a parent that is toxic you can never really understand.
Be kind to yourself. Feel free to pm me.