Please can someone help me? Sorry this is long-winded, but his is a very difficult situation for me. My darling mum has just died.
We have only a small immediate family and lots of distant relatives and friends. I'm the only child. Years ago we became estranged from my cousin, the adopted daughter of mum's late brother, who has always been a difficult woman. Three times, she has cut me and my family out of her life without explanation, only to 'come back' with no apology or proper explanation, save to say that she wants to start over. Each time it has been something to do with jealousy, insecurity and misunderstanding. Each time, I have taken her back without question, but we are always so wary as it takes very little for a similar situation to reoccur.
The first time this happened was when I was in my 20s, then again in my 40s, twice, and latterly, in my 50s we were virtually snubbed at my aunties funeral by her and my poor Mum was treated very badly. We were all 'airbrushed' from the eulogy and told we couldn't send flowers as it was for 'immediate family' only. Mum was ignored and told she couldn't walk behind the coffin as she wasn't immediate family. My mother was very upset and saddened by it all. This cousin also heartily dislikes my husband, and caused all sorts of problems for us all. She's just a strange person and my mother wasn't keen on her at all, but she felt a duty to try to include her as her late brother was her adoptive father. When mum was ill in hospital, this woman visited and bemoaned her own life so much that my mum was drained and upset - particularly as she complained about me and my family a lot to her. Eventually mum told her that she didn't want her to keep in touch with her any more as I was her daughter and she didn't appreciate her attitude etc. things went blissfully quiet after a while. Then, during the Christmas after my auntie's funeral, she texted me, out of the blue, to say she was ready to make amends and that she was sorry for any hurt ( no reason etc though). This would have been 'comeback' number three! So, wary of previous experience, I suggested that Christmas was far too emotive and raw a time to make rash decisions as everyone tends to get a bit emotional at that time of year, however, I would certainly be prepared to meet up in January, after the festivities if she still wanted to, once she'd had time to really decide this was what she wanted. She reacted furiously (I assume as it was not on her terms) said she was moving on and wouldn't contact us again. My mother completely understood and, to be honest, we were all quite relieved as we had suffered years of her weird and unpredictable behaviour.
Mum was taken very ill about a year ago and asked me should we tell her. She felt as she was her brother's child, maybe she ought to. I said it was up to mum but did she really want her getting involved and visiting in the hospital again etc. mum said categorically no, she didn't want her to visit, so decided not to bother. I also said to mum that if anyone...and I mean anyone, had spoken to and treated my daughter the way she had me, I would never ever deal with them again! Mum actually saw what I meant and agreed totally. Loyalty has to be to your child over others.
We often used to talk about her and say we really wished she wasn't so odd and challenging, but we knew that was just the way she was. Mum thought of my husband as a son, and he categorically stated he would never, ever be in the same room as my cousin again, and mum completely understood. In April mum moved to a care home and didn't tell her, although my cousin kept in touch distantly with birthday card and Christmas card which were redirected to her from her previous address. She hasn't seen her for about three years.
This last few months, mum took a turn for the worst. She did say that if anything should happen to her, she'd still like me to inform my cousin as a courtesy, but she never said any other instructions.
Sadly my mother passed away last weekend and we are all devastated. I am now making all the arrangements and want to follow my mother's wishes, but I simply can't have her at the funeral, making it all about her and doing/saying god knows what! I was thinking of send her a letter very close to the funeral date, advising her that my mum had sadly passed away, so I was writing as I felt she'd want to know. But I don't want her at the funeral. It would upset my husband and my daughter, as well as a friend of mine who was also treated badly by her.
The points to remember are that mum didn't particularly like her but she felt a sense of what I feel was misguided loyalty towards what was technically her brother's child. Mum was also furious at her constant bitching and sniping about me, her only child, and my husband whom she loved. Mum didn't enjoy her visits and was mentally drained by them, as were we all. But she did feel I should 'advise' her if anything happened to her, but she said absolutely nothing about including her in the funeral.
What on earth do I do?