pupil died at DS's school

[Spaniard]

My 8yo DS had a pal at school, age 9, who tragically died in a horrific car accident at the weekend, along with his father.
My DS is (I think) starting to deal with it ok. They werent what you'd class as close friends, but they had a mutual pal and they sometimes played together at break times.

Everyone in the area and at the school is so upset, and I just wondered if anyone had advice about what to do/not to do, how to face up to it all, anything really?

Tbh, I'm not even sure what I'm asking, but I find myself sobbing regularly, and I didnt even know them well, so I'm hardly thinking rationally at the moment. So some advice from others might be just what I/we need.

I hope that all made sense. Thanks, all x

So sorry to hear this Spaniard. Unfortuntely, I do not have any advice to share but wanted to express my condolences. I also found this for you and hope it helps:

www.childbereavement.org.uk/Support/Families/Helpingchildrenandyoungpeopledealwithdeath

That's so sad. Hopefully the school will have put things in place if any of the children are upset - a quiet corner or a space to talk about the boy and share memories. I guess you just need to support the bereaved parent - if you don't know them that well then perhaps send a sympathy card or have your son send one?

The above website from Tabya876 will probably have better words of wisdom. Something like this jolts us all into seeing the fragility of life and it is naturally upsetting, don't be embarassed.

A girl died through illness at my dc's school. I felt v sad even though I didn't really know her I knew who she was. I guess I was sad because having my own dc I can only imagine how awful it must be for the family and I found myself wanting to squeeze mine all a little tighter. I guess also a little bit is sad that they are all exposed to the cruel world. I still remember a boy who died because he was messing around on boats - unsupervised and couldn't swim, I think that took a little of my childhood away. Obviously far more tragic for the families involved though.

In terms of coping I think the schools are much more geared up to managing now, your ds may be able to talk to a counsellor and they may organise a way of remembering the little boy. I found that my dc came out with questions later - why did she die, could they have prevented it, will I die? Be prepared to answer them honestly but downplay the risks a bit. So in this case yes people do die in car accidents, usually they are older, we have safety things - seat belts, air bags to make it safer and most people don't die in a car accident, most people live to old age. I found the questions came at random times even months later but sometimes dd1 would give dd2 the answers I had given her. Don't be afraid to cry, it is sad and your reaction is normal.

Thanks folks. Yes the school has a few things in place, and they are having a service at the school to remember him too. They have done a couple of activities with the pupils but presumably they'll start to go back to normal too now.
And yes, I think that's partly why I'm so upset - it's for the young kids having to deal with this. It's hard enough when you start to realise that the world isn't all happiness, but to find that out in such a direct and shocking way is horrendous.
It's also so close to home. It's always difficult hearing about a child dying in such a way, but when it's a child you've seen taking part in school shows etc, it is truly devastating. I just cannot fathom how anyone close to them will cope, far less the poor mum who's been left behind on her own. X

That poor woman. There are no words for what she must be feeling right now.

A girl in ds' class died last year; although she had severe health problems I don't think her death was expected. The children coped with it amazingly well (much better than the parents) and seemed largely to accept that she had gone to heaven and would be watching over them all. The school had a wall where the children got to write notes for the family, many of which were extremely heartfelt (ds didn't want me to read his) and are now building a memorial garden for her. She is remembered in school services and I think it helps the children to know we can talk about her.

I think your reaction is normal, Spaniard - I was incredibly upset when ds' classmate died.

Are you in Scotland Spaniard? Only there was an incident reported at the weekend up here that involved a father and son. I saw a report in the paper about it yesterday and it said that a team of psychologists were involved with the school. I think schools do appreciate how these things impact on their pupils. Much better then when I was a child. Poor, poor mother - I hope she has a community of good, caring people and family to help her through this impossibly difficult time.

I am so sorry for you Spaniard. If it's any comfort, I expect you will be more affected than your 8yo. Children have less capacity to empathise and less understanding of the finality of death. In fact, your 8yo will take his cues from you - he will be upset mostly because he sees you are upset :-( He will be ok though, I promise. It is natural to feel grief for a few weeks, but then he and you should start to put it behind you. The evidence seems to be that, despite the fact it is fashionable, counselling in the immediate aftermath of trauma does nothing. If you find you are still troubled - not sleeping, bursting into tears etc - after about 4 or 5 weeks, then is the time to seek some counselling or further help in the form of CBT as it can be a sign of post traumatic stress - hopefully you will be fine though, and gradually come to terms with this tragedy.

OuchThatHurt yes, that's the one - the car went off a bridge and landed in the river Clyde.

Again, thanks to you all for all the lovely comments. DS seems to be OK on the whole. He talks about him a lot, and has been building things on Minecraft for him as memorials, which was all his idea, and a lovely thing for him to think of

Personally, I'm feeling a bit more normal today. It's strange how I don't think about it for a while but I'm constantly aware of feeling very very sad, but it takes a second to remember why. I've never felt like this before, so it's all very strange. I'm also very snappy and ratty with DH and DSs, which I'll apologise to DS for later, and explain why, then focus on trying to be more positive and supportive from now.

Your ds sounds really caring. It is important to let him grieve in his own way. I also think he is old enough to decide if he wants to go to the funeral. He was fairly close and if his other friend is going it might help.

Do maybe think ahead about answers to questions he might have - do you as a family believe in afterlife, did the boy's family. How do you want to answer such questions. He may never ask them but it is worth mentally preparing yourself in case he does.

Aww sorry to hear that. In my friends sisters school a little boy was off for a few weeks and no one knew why. When the boy returned he said his mum's boyfriend had killed her! Apparently he was in the house at the time too :(

I'm very sorry about this. Try Winston's Wish. It's a brilliant charity which helps bereaved children. It gives advice for children, parents, teachers, siblings and from every angle.

Sending hugs.