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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Can't handle dh's reactions

16 replies

cleofatra · 09/01/2014 12:33

We have known my dad has been I'll but, after a year of ups and downs, finally have the word that this is the final few months . He has lung secondaries and treatment is palliative only.

I'm just taking it as it comes and feel very strongly that this is the way to go and am trying not to be morose or dwell . The poor guy isn't gone yet and is at that bit when he is feeling reasonable so doesnt need constant pre mourning IMO .

Anyway, I can't deal with dh. He is tearful, emotional and constantly "reminding" me with "are you all right"s , saying he doesnt want to be here when my dad gets worse and reminding me ds will be heartbrem and other general sadness.
I don't need that right now. I'm still dealing with the living here.

This may be my anger phase right here.

OP posts:

Original poster

cleofatra · 09/01/2014 12:34

Sorry I phone corrections

OP posts:

Mollydoggerson · 09/01/2014 12:39

hmm, it is your father that is in his last few months. I think it might be a good idea to let your DH know that you would like some positive support right now as you still want to creat good memories. Maybe remind him that no-one has control over the situation so there is no point in dwelling on the feelings that will come in due course, but instead live in the now .

Original poster

cleofatra · 09/01/2014 12:47

That's very much
How I feel. I find I am becoming snappy and trying to avoid talking to him at times as I will be in another world, busy with my thoughts on something completely different and he wlll bring it up again.

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JeanSeberg · 09/01/2014 12:53

I'm just taking it as it comes and feel very strongly that this is the way to go and am trying not to be morose or dwell

This is exactly how I dealt with my mum's last weeks with us, taking it a day at time and carrying on as best I could.

It's your dad and your husband should be following your lead in how you want to deal with this. I would make it clear that his comments aren't helping and you really need his support right now.

I can completely understand your frustration.

Very sorry to hear about your dad, by the way, I hope you are able to enjoy some special times with him in the coming days and weeks.

Original poster

cleofatra · 09/01/2014 13:07

He is a bit of a mess but I just can't support him and his feelings when it's my dad's upcoming death I'm dealing with. I will try to explain it to him.

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JeanSeberg · 09/01/2014 13:26

I think you're doing the right thing, for what it's worth.

How old is your son?

Original poster

cleofatra · 09/01/2014 13:27

OP posts:

Original poster

cleofatra · 09/01/2014 13:29

Thanks for your supprt and replies btw

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Custardo · 09/01/2014 13:29

I would tell my dh that this is absolutely nothing about HIM what so ever

that his role must absolutely primarily be to support me and kid

Original poster

cleofatra · 09/01/2014 13:31

I'm sure going to have my hands full when it's one of his parents , arent I ?

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JeanSeberg · 09/01/2014 13:39

I was wondering whether his reaction stems from the loss of a parent but they are obviously both still alive.

Is he not the type to rely on in a crisis?

The reason I asked about the age of your son was your husband's comments about him being heartbroken. Yes it will be very sad (obviously) but we can help our children cope with loss and it doesn't necessarily have to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Original poster

cleofatra · 09/01/2014 13:43

No he is definitely not good on a crisis

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 09/01/2014 13:47

I hope you can get him to give you the support you need and that your son is coping OK.

MooncupGoddess · 09/01/2014 13:48

Does he have a good relationship with your dad? If so it's totally understandable that he'd be sad and upset on his own behalf, and he's entitled to those emotions, but he should respect your feelings by keeping his sadness to himself as much as possible at this time.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 09/01/2014 13:55

It sounds like he is doing what he thinks he should be getting it wrong as everyone is different.

Talk to him but remember he is trying to support you. For someone else it might be exactly what they need so he isn't wrong as so much as trying to hard, maybe.

I am sorry you are losing your dad. I hope your happy memories you are trying to make are happening for you.

Goldmandra · 09/01/2014 22:22

Maybe it would help to explain to him that everyone grieves in their own way so he should feel free to be upset in private right now but that you would prefer to deal with it in a different way by focusing on the time you have left with your dad and making it as positive as possible.

Perhaps suggest that he offloads his emotions in another, more appropriate, direction for now and tries to support you in making happy memories.

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