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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Ideas to keep the memories of loved ones alive

14 replies

Summergarden · 07/01/2014 20:06

Sorry for the losses of anyone reading this.

My Dad died 2 and a half weeks ago aged 58, very sudden and unexpected.

My main concern at the moment is ensuring that I at least keep my memories of him as intact as possible, as that's all I have left, and all there is to pass on to my 2 year old and the baby I'm carrying at he moment.

So far I have thought of these ideas:
Writing a long list of times we have shared, from childhood to recent, as memory prompts.
Making a proper photo collection as I don't have many printed photos of him
Bringing all the plants from his house to my conservatory to cherish. He loved plants and having his around me might help me feel close to him.
Bring home one of his t shirts that will stay smelling of him for a little while.

If anyone else has any other ideas or suggestions I would love to hear them.

It's only since the funeral yesterday that it's all started to feel real to me and more than anything, I'm petrified that the memories of the man who gave me such a wonderful childhood and was such a great support into early adulthood will slowly fade.

OP posts:

HorsePetal · 07/01/2014 20:12

I'm so sorry OP - your dad sounds like a wonderful person and you must miss him dearly.

The ideas you have suggested so far sound lovely.

What about the rest of your family? Could you pool your memories and anecdotes together so that they can be collected in one place?

t875 · 07/01/2014 20:43

Oh I'm so sorry summer garden. I feel for you. What I have done for the memories of my dear mum who I lost suddenly was an a4 piece of paper with everything about her and all we loved to do. All snippets which I found on google and printed off, I have a shelf for her where I have special things of hers and what bonds us together. I do things she used to like to do. I've kept special bits of clothing and jewellery from special occasions. My mum used to love fish and chips and greggs baking so we will also do this from time to time. I do my crafty things as we used to it. I hope she is with me when we do it. I'm sure she probably is.
She's always with me tucked in my heart but I miss her like mad too.
Thinking of you and sending you a virtual hug xx

buzzy1 · 07/01/2014 21:37

Thank you for sharing your ideas OP and t875 and so sorry for your loss. I lost my lovely dad in summer 2012 and still haven't properly worked out how to preserve my memories of him. I sometimes listen to his favourite songs or smell his aftershave as these things are sensory and help me to feel his presence, even if for a split second. Miss him too much x

t875 · 07/01/2014 21:52

Buzzy i lost my wonderful mum at easter 2012, really is so hard isnt it. I like to keep her spirit alive and do all these things to keep her closer to me, although i would rather her be here physically. But I also have the spiritual belief of liking to believe she is still around me, but this is me and i know not everyone shares this belief me personally cant even think of her gone. hugs to all on this thread x

Original poster

Summergarden · 07/01/2014 22:33

Thanks. Yes horse petal I should speak to family members to share what we have.

Some great ideas there t875 thanks. So sorry for the loss of your mum. Losing a parent is much harder than I ever expected. They were such a big part of us, formed us in our early years and can leave us feeling quite vulnerable when they leave us... Xx

OP posts:

PartyConfused · 07/01/2014 22:38

Hey, Summer, I'm so sorry for your loss.

My MIL passed away at 56 last summer. I was closer to her than my own mum-i miss her terribly.

As a christmas present for FIL, I had a print made of her 'sayings'. We framed it and it now has pride of place in the kitchen. I got the idea off notonthehighstreet, but you could do your own. It makes everyone smile when they read it. I'm hoping it will help keep those memories alive in the years to come.

VikingLady · 07/01/2014 22:44

I'm sorry for your loss.

My dad died just over three years ago, before DD was born, and it really bothers me that she won't have known him. We have some photos, always have his photo up at Christmas etc (we have one where he was wearing a Santa hat), and next year we are getting baubles with all the family's names on, including his.

Some of his ashes are under a tree in a scenic spot, so we'll do (cheerful!) picnics there in the future.

Your ideas sound nice, especially his clothes and plants. I have my dad's fabric hankies.

t875 · 07/01/2014 22:53

Summer - it is awful and I hate it. I can't believe she isn't around anymore. I was so close to her but very close to my dad god knows what I will be like when I god forbid have him leave the earth!! But yes it is so hard. And all I can do is just keep her and what we loved/ memories close to my heart. There is a thread here if you wanted to chat with people who have lost a parent summer x

Party- I know what you mean about mil my god I would miss mine so much. I like your ideas and will have to look at that website. So sorry to hear of your loss.

Viking - so sorry to hear of your loss. That is also sad but nice what you do with the Santa hat photo and the bauballs sound a nice idea too. I use my mums Christmas table cloth for my table and have also got some ornaments of hers which I'm sure she loves seeing.

t875 · 07/01/2014 22:54

Would also like to say to any of you on this thread to come join us on the losing a parent thread anytime you could do with a chat/ support x

Follyfoot · 07/01/2014 23:04

So sorry to read of your loss Summer

When I lost my Dad at a similar age, the one thing I wanted was his slippers. They are in the drawer of my bedside cabinet (and have been there for over 20 years and through many house moves).

When DH's sister died, we hung her cardigan over the bannister finial just outside our bedroom. As he goes up the stairs to bed, its natural to put a hand on the finial. Very comforting.

I dont know if something similar might be of comfort to you?

MetallicHighlights · 07/01/2014 23:06

Sorry for all your losses. My recent loss is my brother rather than a parent, but he was a very important figure in my children's lives so I want to preserve memories for them. We've asked family and friends to send us lots of stories and anecdotes about him (suspect some of the lads' ones might have been censored!) which I'm in the process if scanning and turning into a photo book with lots of pictures as well. There will be different versions as the kids and my parents are going to choose the photos which mean most to them.

A few video clips have turned up as well, which are really precious.

mumof2teenboys · 08/01/2014 16:48

My son died in July 2012 and I have put some of his belongings into a box. There are a couple of pieces of clothing that sum him up. Some of his CD's and books, photos of his friends that he kept in a box so were obviously important to him. A few of his toys from childhood and some of his 'little treasures' are in there as well.

He was only 22 when he died and his brother will have children one day so I wanted there to be a box of 'James' in order for his future nieces/nephews to be able to get an idea of who he was.

When I am feeling low, I go through the box and feel closer to him. Could doing something along these lines help at all?

Original poster

Summergarden · 08/01/2014 20:44

Thank you all so much for your suggestions, lots that i wouldnt have thought of myself. I think it is so important that we try to sustain the memories of our precious loved ones, both as a source of comfort to ourselves and to help other, younger family members remember them.

Mumof2boys, particular condolences to you for losing James so very young. It must have been heartbreaking and I hope you have lots of support around you.xx

OP posts:

blackandwhiteandredallover · 08/01/2014 20:56

My mum was an avid reader and always doing some open university course or evening class. When she passed away 14 years ago the one thing I really wanted was her books. I re-read lots of them, often there were scribbled notes in the margin in her handwriting, which felt like seeing a little piece of her again.

It makes me sad that she never met her grandchildren but we talk about her often and we have pictures up. It does mean the DC are maybe more aware of death than other children their age, but it's no bad thing. They think she is watching them from a cloud

I am sorry for your loss xx

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