Absolutely heartbroken

[Katkins1]

Hi

I know this might sound trivial, but my Grandfather died yesterday and I am heart broken. It still doesn't feel real, and all I'm doing is practical stuff like writing my assignments due in next week for my final year at Uni and everything.

He was taken in to hospital on Christmas eve, and I don't think I've slept properly since then. Couple of nights went to bed at 4am and woke up at 7 or 8am.

I just don't know what to do with myself, or what I should be doing, though I have e-mailed one of my tutors to ask for an extension on big project. I know that should probably be the last thing on my mind, but I just don't need the extra hassle. Its taken all that I had to just finish the one that I have just done (due next Wednesday).

I am worried that people will think I'm looking for sympathy or attention when I'm not- just trying to balance all of my feelings and everything else that I have going on. It sounds horrible and cold, too, and that's not what I meant to sound like. Ah, I don't know, I can see everything that I am typing, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say or feel or anything.

I don't even know what I hope to gain from this. Just writing it down, I guess.

It doesn't sound trivial at all! I'm so sorry for your loss. And I would be amazed if people think you are looking for sympathy or that you are attention-seeking.

As for what you are supposed to do or say - you do or say whatever feels right for you at the time. There isn't any one 'right' way to grieve.

Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Make sure you have told your tutors what has happened as well.

And for you

You're grieving. That's what's wrong. It's a horrible, horrible feeling and it never gets easier for those first few days. I've lost both my grandfathers and my brother in law, my cousin's wife, dh's housemate and a good friend. The shock is always the same, even when you expect it. The sinking feeling when you wake up. The weight on your shoulders. It's all exhausting and dreadful. the only thing I can offer is to say that it will ease up. The first days are terrible and then your body gets used to it and you don't feel as bad. When my bil died I developed a twitch and constipation. Nice huh? Grief is not pretty. It just has to be endured. If possible you need to eat. An enormous fry up would be good, Or a pizza? If you can't eat then drink a lot of tea and give thought to an extra jumper. Grieving people are cold. You did right to get an extension for an essay. Grief takes time and is exhausting.

Thank you. I e-mailed one, she will pick it up when she's back or not busy. I did e-mail her before because I needed to change the date on something as I thought I wouldn't be around. I will get round to it when we are back, I'm sure. I only told her because she wants the first chapter of my dissertation in soon , and I can't see that happening.

I'm surprised at how I feel. Its so strange.

I agree with BIWI - you are not being trivial or attention seeking.

Losing someone you love is awful. Just awful & you have to work through it in the best way for you.

I would also say be kind to yourself - don't forget to eat - even if it's junk & to drink & keep hydrated.

Your grandfather was lucky to have been so obviously loved.

Junk food is made for times like these! Have you a macdonalds drive in near you?

It's surreal isn't it? One of my grandfather's died in the early hours of New Years Day. Mum and dad went over to tell my gran, having had the call from the hospital and my sister and I went out in the snow in our dressing gowns. Just because. Very odd. Then next day whilst helping dad cook for the family I broke two eggs. Normally he would have made a huge fuss about that but he hardly raised a murmur. Even weirder!

I thought the being thirsty and cold was just me. We lost our Grandmother (his wife) about 18 months ago, too. I felt different then, though. I think it was sort of... expected, and the time was right for her. Not in a horrible way. But this was more complicated with my Grandad, I won't go in to everything, but there were a lot of ifs and buts and decisions to be made. Which I wasn't part of, because I'm the youngest one of the family.

I'm a single parent, one DD, 6 and have PTSD, so I think that complicates things a bit.

Thank you for the kind words.

Being cold & thirsty is totally normal - it's all part of the shock.

I don't know anything about PTSD but wonder if you have received any sort of counselling or such like for it & could go back for some more help.

I am sorry you weren't involved in the decisions - but try not to think about that too much now. Concentrate on yourself - I am sure that is what your GF would have wanted.

Jumper, blankets, extra socks. Have you a hot water bottle?

I don't drive and have eaten so much junk over Christmas that I'm trying to avoid anymore. Yes, the little things are strange, aren't they? For some odd reason I decided I needed to walk to the Tesco furthest away from me, and when I got there, couldn't remember what I wanted. I have just done normal things too, re-drafted and referenced my assignment on auto-pilot. Sent some advice to my friend just finishing hers. I have an exam piece due on the 17th, I need to learn it. Plus an essay to do a bit more reading for, then write up. I can't face it right now.

It isn't trivial. The death of someone close to you is awful. Be as kind to yourself as possible- hot drinks, chocolate or whatever- that helped when I lost my DM, being able to do small stuff which made me happy.

I think yesterday I was in shock, but now its starting to set in its really painful

How are you today?

Hi Northern,

I'm Ok. I went to try and print my assignment at the internet café, but their printers weren't working. Its not due in until Wednesday though, so I've time to do it at uni between now and then. I feel a bit strange, managing to do things- tidying up, getting dressed, paid some bills, did a bit of shopping, had a coffee. It comes and goes, if you see what I mean. One moment I'm Ok, the next, not so much.

Yes I know. The weirdest things will leap out at you. I remember going to dd3's good work assembly 5 days after bil died. I was fine, totally fine, till the caretaker came in to adjust the clock. Then I had a huge struggle to hang on to my composure. Why? Because bil was a school caretaker. Nothing to do with that school, looked nothing like that bloke, but it was the same job and suddenly seeing that perfectly nice man doing his perfectly ordinary job became the most painful thing in the world. But it passes. It doesn't get me like that now. Hang in there.
keep eating and drinking and wearing jumpers and extra socks.

Thank you. It is strange, and I've lost heart with my essays. I'm going to see if I can prepare my exam piece, then hand in my supporting essay a week or so later. Its not due in until the 17th Jan (exam piece) and 20th Jan (essay), so still time. I'm going in to uni Monday to print and proofread and stuff, but I think that its going to be hard to be around people if you see what I mean.

Yes I see - it's because you've no shell atm. It will grow back but loss does that to you. Takes away your resilience and ability to cope with people and things. It makes you feel very vulnerable and that's very scary when you're not used to it.

It's such an odd feeling. I don't really know how to (or whether I should) approach my uni, its not the sort of thing that I want to bother them with. Most people on my course will probably just say get over it too.