My Twin Sister Has Died

[Twinless]

Hello,

Not sure what I expect or want from this thread but I feel like I need to write down how I'm feeling.

My twin sister died suddenly last month aged 37. It was due to complications from pneumonia leading to heart failure. She went to the GP because she felt she had a chest infection, the GP couldn't hear anything on her chest but was given antibiotics. Apparently because of her age even if pneumonia was suspected, the treatment would have been the same.

My DH, DS (6) and I were with her on the Saturday morning when she suddenly collapsed. I realised very quickly that something was very wrong and called 999. I told my son to wait in the other room while I started CPR, I was overcome with emotion so my husband had to take over, she stopped breathing altogether quite quickly. The ambulance arrived within 8 minutes and managed to shock her heart into beating again but she took a lot of stablising. She was taken straight to resus then transferred to ITU.

Our parents live a 4 hour drive away and I had to persuade them to get here asap rather than leave it overnight which they wanted to do. I don't know whether they were in denial about the seriousness of my sister's situation but I feel resentful that even if that was the case, why didn't they think that my sister would want them there if she woke up or I might need some support?

They eventually arrived later that night and over the next few days tests showed that she had suffered too much brain damage to survive due to lack of oxygen. They tried to cool her brain down for 24 hours and gave her the apparently standard 72 hours + 24 extra hours due to her age to show signs of improvement but nothing. We had to make the decision to let her go.

I hate myself that I didn't save her. I keep thinking did I compress hard enough? Was I distracted too much by my DS keep coming into the room? I wanted so desperately to save her and I keep replaying the whole thing in my mind. Coupled with when she actually died in hospital, It feels like I watched her die twice which is too painful for me to bear. I physically crumpled and howled in pain when I was lead away from her. It still feels that raw but my pain feels trapped, like if I let go again I'll never recover.

I've not been sleeping since. I was persuaded to see my Gp who prescribed a weeks' worth of sleeping pills and has referred me to a breavement counsellor which I do think I need but I feel like I don't want to accept she's gone in case in case it feels like I've forgotten her. The pills aren't helping much, I'm still waking up so haven't taken them for the last couple of nights.

Without turning this into a bigger essay, there was a family estrangement (for an extremely good reason) which meant that my twin sister, my DH, DS and me were our own little family here and now I feel pressured into pretending everything is ok. I've been having to emotionally reassure family members that she loved them really when I know that she never recovered from or forgave her, me and DS being treated so badly from them. I've had no help with clearing my twin's flat yet everyone wants a keepsake to remember her by and I don't really feel that some of them deserve it but I have to keep the peace for my parents sake.

I was left to register her death and arrange the funeral yet I faced pressure to do what they wanted, not what my sister would want or I felt, being the closer to her, what should be done. I had to stick to my guns and even had one of my parent's scream down the phone at me that I had got out of hand with the arrangements. FFS, I arranged a simple, pretty basic funeral but a beautiful ceremony in a Church where we had a connection to and I felt I needed somewhere to go and remember her and the Church turned out to be the cheapest part of the funeral costs! Considering I ensured the large funeral deposit was paid I felt upset that I was being criticised.

I feel like I have been ripped in half. Our birthday is later this month and I can't comphrend turning a year older without her. I don't know what I'm going to do without her. The family situation with my parents has calmed now and I know they are worried about me and are trying to support me but I have been left to it and dealing with everything on my own.

I am also worried about my son and him processing what he saw. I explained everything to him and he chose to see my sister in ITU and the Chapel of Rest which seems to have helped him. I have arranged counselling through his school which is going well. I just want to take those images out of his head. I;m scared that I'm going to die young and leave him too.

I'm rambling now. Thank you for taking the time to read x

Hope you're doing OK this evening twinkles.

Migonette Thank you for that book recommendation, I think that will be helpful. We have recently been in contact under my usual posting name and you have helped me more than you know, thank you x

Badvocatyuletide I am so sorry to hear of your loss in such tragic circumstances too . I can't imagine the stress and heartbreak you went through on the same when your DM suffered a heart attack. Yes, it is a very lonely place to be isn't it? Especially when you are the one dealing with everything and making the decisions trying to include everyone. I've got a wonderful DH and gorgeous DS but I feel like I want to shut myself away with my thoughts.

Faithless12 Oh I am so sorry to hear that about your DM. I've never understood that mindset of "getting in their first". I can't help but think that if you are overduly concerned about is a loved ones possessions, then that person couldn't have meant that much to you in the first place.

HappyTalk13 I did post previously under an old name on the Stately Homes thread and received some amazing support but I only wrote a fraction of my experience and the responses made me realise it was worse than I thought as I felt guilty about posting in there when there were people with very real, awful families and experiences. When things settle, I may well return to the thread or post my own in Relationships. Thank you.

Thank you to everyone who has said that I did all I could. I've started to think that if people who have never met me are saying that, it's probably true. I know in my heart of hearts that I tried my hardest in the circumstances and more importantly, my sister will have known that I tried. I am finding little pockets of comfort here and there which I didn't think would be possible a month ago so hopefully that's the start of me dealing with everything?

There was a bit of a "discussion" about the music which should be played at the Crematorium so I did comprise although I felt my sister would have preferred a particular song. A couple of days after the funeral, I heard the song I wanted being played in Morrisons! It's not a Christmas song AT ALL! That made me smile, silly as it is, it felt like a sign she would have wanted my choice

I'm still not sleeping well but I'm eating better so feel like I have a little more energy during the day than before. Not sure what the GP can do, but I will speak to her next week. I'm going to need my strength to get through Christmas (for my DS) and what would have been our Birthday later this month.

We spent the evening around a very good friend's house last night. I didn't feel up to going really but I haven't had a chance to see her so wanted to make the effort. We ended up having a genuinely lovely evening, talked loads about my sister, the good times as well as things now, which really helped.

We're going to finishing clearing her flat this weekend which is so hard as I've hit a bit of an emotional brick wall in that regard. There isn't much to do now, just giving away furniture to charity / friends but it's so final that she doesn't have her home anymore and I hate seeing her lovely flat so bare. But my sister's best friend is helping us there then coming over here after for tea and cake. He has been such a support and is such a lovely person, he's part of our little family really so we're being there for each other.

I think this thread has turned into a sort of therapy for me and I'll be tapping away on the leyboard long after you've all gone!

Thank you all again, you bunch of lovely, kind vipers xx

I'm glad you got out to see a friend and had a nice evening. I'm sure your DTS would want that for you.

I'm sorry about the lack of sleep - insomnia I torture. I hope it stops soon.

Thanks happytalk. Still can't believe I'm waking up during the night on sleeping tablets but I am getting back to sleep so it is an improvement. Could just do with one uninterupted night

You just made me smile when you said you heard her song in Morrison's!

Glad to hear you're eating better and getting physically stronger - the rest will follow in time. xx

I couldnt post and not reply. I am also a twin, I cant imagine what you are going through.

I think you need to take comfort from the fact you were with her and she had you. It sounds like you were amazing in the moment and gave her a chance. That twin bond is there whether she is around or not. It sounds like you have a brilliant son & DH who will help you get through this.

I'm sorry twinless. There are no words, but I think beareavement counselling is a good idea - there's so much to process. Be kind to yourself. xx

So sorry for your loss x

so sad to hear about the loss of your sister

you sound like you had a lovely, close relationship & the price we pay for such deep love is very deep grief

surround yourself with people who love you, and please be very kind to yourself. you've not done anything 'wrong' & how you are feeling is completely natural & understandable

if it helps to write things down & post on here, you will always get great support & advice

xxxx

Twinless I suspected this might be 'you' and I have been thinking of you a lot. My sons GF is an identical twin and she asked me to send you her condolences.

Yes, you could not have done more.

Sleeping tablets do lose efficacy over time and I am of the belief that a troubled mind with troubled bereaved thoughts will punch through the sedation at certain times of the night. it is probably during a particular part of your sleep cycle. Have you heard of mindfulness? Have a google when you feel up to it as there are some good techniques for night restlessness and insomnia. They will help you rest if not sleep deeply.

Remember that grief and bereavement are not 'abnormal' but something that has to be navigated through. Ask for help whether it be through Mn, friends, counsellors etc in managing it. Nobody on here will ignore a request for help, listening and time.

Much love to you xx xx

Oh Twinless, your posts have hit a chord with me. My wee brother was only a year and a half younger than me and we were extremely close. He died 3 years ago and for a long time I worried that I just didn't understand the magnitude of what had happened, that when I did I wouldn't recover.

Still, I can spend days on end close to tears.

My dd was four when he died and for a time I didn't know if she'd get over it. She has though. She remembers her Uncle but she doesn't think about it constantly the way she did back then.

My heart goes out to you.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss Twinless. I don't have siblings so I can only imagine the sense of loss you're feeling. Your feelings sound completely normal following a bereavement, especially that of someone so close to you. You did all you could for her and I think that your feelings about resuscitation are understandable but the actual statistics on successful resuscitation outside of a clinical setting are quite poor. I agree that you should start bereavement counselling as soon as possible as it will help. You're clearly doing the right thing by your son in ensuring he has the support he needs but children are often far more resilient than we fully appreciate.

I can understand that it is hard to manage family relationships when there have been issues in the past. There may well be some guilt on the part of others which is motivating them to want something material as a keepsake to remember your twin. Always remember that your sister will live on in you and no one can ever take away the precious memories you have, some of which you share with your dh and ds.

Sending love and thoughts to you as you go through this horrendous time.

HerLadyShip the price we pay for such deep love is very deep grief That has really struck a chord to me, it really is the deepest grief I have ever felt and of course, she was the closest person in the world to me.

Migonette It is so kind of you to be thinking of me and please thank your DS's GF for me. We were never the "twiny-twin-samey" type of twins but we had such a strong, unexplainable bond. It has left a huge void and I feel it constantly. I've never heard of Mindfulness so I will definitely read up about that, thanks. I'm clinging onto the fact she died with dignity and to know from our "conversations" that she would have been treated with diginity and respect behind the scenes too has given me so much comfort. Thank you once again, you really are a very special person xx

Yama I am so sorry to hear about your DB Despite feeling so utterly bereft I do feel like the magnitude of her death hasn't hit me fully yet and I am so frightened when it does because I think I will drown in it. I saw a book on one of the children breavement websites someone kindly linked to upthread that I am going to buy for my DS which is a cross between a scrapbook for recording the child's memories and a story to explain death - www.amazon.co.uk/Remembering-Dianne-Leutner/dp/0952166186/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=33K1PNQJ3FPM4&coliid=I2ZAASUZQBAZ56 I really don't want him to forget her as they were so close.

Have to dash, DS has made me promise we'll watch Strictly together and I'm on hot chocolate duty but it means so much that so many kind people are thinking of me and posting with their support x

I am sure she died with dignity and grace from what you have described. And she was generous and thoughtful of others in her actions as are you and other close family.

Enjoy Strictly and your DS is a love for looking after you. I am glad you have somebody with you and glad that our thoughts and words have helped ( I mean everybody on here, not just me). There are so many of us bereaved people on here, all willing to lend an ear at any time.

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So sorry for your loss - it sounds like you were amazing.
Oddly, someone told me about a lone twin organisation only a couple of hours ago - wonder if you might find some support there:
lonetwinnetwork.org.uk/

Twinless I am so sorry for your loss.
My ds has autism and the book the school used to help him understand the death of a much loved TA was this one It helped him remember all the things that were special about Mrs M, all their good times and helped him come to terms with his loss. Maybe your ds would find it useful too.

So sorry for yr loss xxx

I'm so sorry, I don't have much to offer in terms of advice, but couldn't read and run.

So sorry for your loss. Winston's Wish has some brilliant resources on their website that might be helpful for you DS, there's a list of books, and also a resource page for teachers working with bereaved children that perhaps cold be used by his school?

YY to Winstons Wish as Nibledy has mentioned.

you are in charge, you two will always be together in spirit if not physically. please just do what makes you feel better and it takes years and years to cope with something like this. the best advice i had was to treat yourself, indulge yourself in precious quiet time with yourself and your memories. candles, music, bubble baths etc. and i always feel that children need to see stuff and it's up to you to lovingly and sensitively support them through it. most of all retain your sense of humour, get lots of sleep, fresh air and cry your bloody eyes out. just imagine she's right next to you (even if you don't believe it). harsh thing is, only time helps x big hugs (14 years for me x)

I'm so sorry for your loss.x

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sounds absolutely horrific.
As others have said, be kind to yourself and try not to be upset by your family. Nobody will be thinking straight at the moment, give each other some time, and maybe some distance.

My mum died from pneumonia in similar circumstances when she was 55. I don't think you could have saved your sister with even the best CPR in the world - my mum was in intensive care whether lungs etc packed in and all their machinery and drugs couldn't save her.

As for your fear that you are going to die early too, that is a totally normal feeling, and understandable. Just give yourself time to prove to yourself that life is more secure than it feels at the moment. And if you have started to feel like you are going mad, don't worry, you're not, and you won't. Get yourself a good counsellor.

It will never be ok that your twin died like this, and you will never get over it - you probably don't even want to. But in time you can learn to accept it, and everything can become a new kind of ok. The best advice I was ever given was to welcome my grief and to nurture and embrace it. Sounds like psychobabble but it made a lot of sense to me. X

sorry for your loss xx

Another one thinking of you at this awful time x