why now?

[regretting]

about 10 years ago i had a termination. Deep in my heart i really didnt want to but was sort of persuaded by my dh and mom. At the time i was suffering with PND and had 2 toddlers and although it's no excuse i kind of went along with what they were saying. I was fine aftre and never even shed one tear. Since then i have always thought things like how old it would be now etc boy or girl? but never anything too bad. I always thought i might have another but never did. The other day my husband out of the blue turned round and said that we should of had the baby and he regrets it. Since then i have literally cried non stop and i feel totally gutted. I hate myself for being weak and not keeping it and i feel like i denied my others another sibling. It's so bad i feel like i want another baby but i know now that the gaps too big and i am nearly 40. I think too myself i had no right and what would my dd think of me if she knew the truth. It's really strange as if i have been in daze for 10 years suffering depression on and off just thinking it was the stress of family life. I am over protective with my kids and i think it is because i have a fear of something happening to them to punish me for what i did. How can i feel like this after TEN years like i said i never shed a tear and now i cant stop. why now? can any help?

Regretting, I've not been in your situation so can't help with advice that way but just wanted to say that I'm not surprised that you have ben so upset afte hearing your DH say that......it would break my heart too.

No-one will punish you through your children and I suspect feeling like this 10 years on isn't unusual and very normal. I really wish I could help some way better.

Why is it too late at 40 for another baby, age gaps in siblings work whatever they are so please don't rule out having another one because of those reasons. Talk to your Dh about it, maybe he's feeling the same about another one too.

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

im am sitting here aching for your feelings, please please get some help speak to someone at one of these places
British Victims of Abortion
5 St Vincent Place
Glasgow
G1 2DH
Tel: 0141 226 5407
Fax: 0141 221 7707
Helpline: 0845 603 8501 (10am-4pm daily, 7pm-10pm evenings)
Counselling and help offered to those experiencing physical and emotional difficulties after an abortion.

Crossroads Pregnancy Crisis Centre
Arowdene Road
Brixton Hill
London
SW2 2BH
Tel: 020 8678 0900
Fax: 020 8673 0639
counselling and support for women with unplanned pregnancies. Post-abortion and miscarriage counselling. Phone for an appointment (24-hour answerphone).

Post Abortion Counselling Service (PACS)
340 Westbourne Park Road
London
W11 1EQ
Tel: 020 7221 9631
Post-abortion counselling for women (and their partners).
www.pacs.org.uk

also i feel that i must just give you another perspective, to say that nearly 40 is too old is not necessarily right I am 38, 4 months pregnant i will (g-d willing) be 39 when my baby is born. I have a 4 year old and 14 and 13 year old they all adore each other and have a mutual adoration society. The older ones are a great help in looking after and for the little one so dont let either of those points stop you.

You do need to grieve the loss of you baby 10 years ago i wish you well and strength to make the right decisions for all of you, thinking of you

I'm so sorry this is making you suffer so much. Especially given your DH's thoughts/comments on this. Stace has given some excellent contacts for you to try, I hope you have the courage to call and discuss your feelings. I think it would be very hard to have an abortion and forget about it forever, you just don't. I had a termination 8 years ago and do still have feelings of sadness, guilt, contemplation of what would have been, despite the impossibility at the time of a baby. You obviously have many issues and feelings you need to talk about and with someone who is impartial and understanding of your difficult situation. As for another baby, if you have a strong enough urge and your DH wants another, what would stop you?? What could be so bad about a little baby sibling for your children/teens.
Hope you manage to move on from this with a little help and accept that you deserve no punishment for what happened 10 years ago. I think the important thing is being a Mum to your wonderful children and being able to accept the past eventually and that the future is one to look forward to, not dread and expect punishment. I wish you and your family lots of happiness together, don't loose sight of the bigger picture. hugs {{{{{}}}}

wow i am stunned by your kindness. Thankyou so much to all of you for your support. Stace, I will try one of the places you have suggested - thankyou.

Again, no experience, but I wanted to comment. Grief happens in many different ways. There is no right or wrong way to feel about something like this, and sometimes it does take years, and something to spark it off.

As others have said, there is no reason why it's too late if you feel like you want another child. Do you think maybe dh made the comment because he has been thinking about another one?

BW xxx

stupidgirl you may be right. I need to talk to him I suppose. Someone very close to us has just had a baby too.

Hi Regretting. I know exactly what you are going through. I had a termination after discovering i was pregnant 3 months after the birth of my second daughter. I also had another daughter of 2, and like you was suffering from pnd. I really regrett it and feel like i should of been strong enough to deal with it. When i discovered i was pregnant, i was distraught and didn't think i'd beable to cope, but was expecting someone to say "don't worry, you'll be fine". Noone did though, not even my partner, who really told me it was my desicion, but made it very clear that he didn't want me to have it.
I didn't tell a single soul, the only person that knew was my partner. I suffered from terrible nightmares afterwards and my depression got worse.
I did eventually tell my mom, because i got pregnant again a year later, and i thought she may 'find' out. I could tell she was shocked and dissapointed in me.
I have never ever forgotten about it, and will always regret it so much.
I totally understand about feeling like you will be punished, as i thought i'd never be able to have any more kids, and really panicked when it took me longer than usual to get pregnant again.
I can't really offer you any way to get over this, as i'm not sure you can, but you do need to find a way of putting it behind you.
I think the reason that you are upset now is because all it would of took back then is for your husband to of told you to keep it, and you would. Perhaps you are a bit angry with him ??? Hope that doesn't offend. I know i was angry with my dp for wanting me to get a termination. If he had shown the slightest bit of interest in keeping it then i would of felt strong enought too.
Hope you feel 'better' soon. Let me know if i can help in any way

Sorry if i rambled on a bit.

Hi Snap. You certainly didnt ramble everything you have said I can relate to. Like you I never told anyone either, I was so ashamed. If my dh had said 'let's keep it' I would have without a doubt. Just like you I wish I could have been stronger and you are right deep down I do feel abit angry with him and my mom too. It was as if they 'sorted it all out' for me and then it was never mentioned again and I have shoved it to the back of mind. Thankyou for your kind words especially as you have been through the same

regretting - I've been there too. If you want to email me through contact another talker, please do. I know how you feel. (((HUGS)))

regretting - so sorry to hear about your suffering. I too had a termination a number of years ago and although i know deep down that at the time it was the right decision i still think about it regularly wondering what would have been and i think that is perfectly human and natural for you not to have completely forgotten it. It is obviously still very much in the front of your husbands mind for him to have mentioned it again and you are probably making yourself feel even worse by telling yourself that that was your last opportunity for a baby and now it's too late. 40 is not too old, how great to have older children to help out etc, i appreciate that you can't replace the baby but maybe the fact that this trauma has just really hit you now may well be because deep down you want a baby and are feeling sad that perhaps that was your last chance.