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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Feeling empty

27 replies

laurenhannah · 06/07/2006 13:16

Came home from hospital yesterday after miscarrying at twelve weeks. I feel empty inside and am experiencing muscle pain and exhaustion at the moment. I am trying to keep myself busy tidying the house etc but just keep bursting into tears at the slightest thing or at nothing at all really. I am scared to leave the house in case anyone asks me how I am as people know I have been in hospital but don't know why. I am also worried about speaking to anyone but close family as I just burst into tears. Just needed to tell someone.

OP posts:

sugarfree · 06/07/2006 13:23

Hey,don't worry,you are allowed to cry you know,it's ok.
Give yourself some time.

MrsWednesday · 06/07/2006 13:24

So sorry this has happened to you, it's very sad and upsetting (same thing happened to me at 13 weeks).

Can you keep yourself busy doing something a bit nicer? Perhaps just lie down and watch some lighthearted videos, eat some chocolate and look after yourself. Your body will need time to recover physically as well as mentally. And honestly, don't worry about bursting into tears - if you do, most people will give you hugs, and no doubt more people than you expect will tell you that the same thing has happened to them.

Take care.x

Original poster

laurenhannah · 06/07/2006 20:30

Thanks for your kind words it helps to be able to talk to people in this way.

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sugarfree · 06/07/2006 21:42

Hello again,didn't see you were back.How are you?
Just try to get through it a minute at a time if that's what it takes.

Original poster

laurenhannah · 06/07/2006 21:58

Feeling a bit better at the moment - up and down really, I still haven't been out anywhere yet - I'm a bit nervous of facing the outside world at the moment.

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bramblina · 06/07/2006 22:15

I am so so sorry for you. I remember talking constantly when I met people- just so as not to give them a chance to ask how I was. People understand. And if they don't it doesn't really amtter. You matter right now, and you are allowed to be selfish. Look after yourself, and if you have to lie to people, then do so. Take care and take time.

Original poster

laurenhannah · 06/07/2006 22:25

One of the problems is that we haven't told DD1 aged 7 that I have had a miscarriage, she didn't know I was pregnant as we were going to tell her after the scan and she would be devastated to know that I had lost a baby. This means that the other mums at school can't find out as one of them is bound to let it slip. I will have to lie to them to protect DD1s feelings. I am going to face that one on Monday morning as mum has been doing the school run for me all week.

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sugarfree · 07/07/2006 16:00

How's it going today?
We didn't tell ds1 about our m/c because he was only 2 at the time.None of them know still,simply because there hasn't been any reason to tell them since.
Has your little girl picked up on anything?You know what they're like at that age and if they suspect something but aren't sure their imaginations tend to go into overdrive.

Original poster

laurenhannah · 07/07/2006 21:07

Hi I'm feeling a bit better today thanks, have been out for a walk and felt a bit more human again. I was in hospital for 3 days so DD knows I have been ill we told her I had a poorly tummy and she seems to have accepted that. I know that she has told her friends that I was in hospital and that the other mums at school are dying to know why I haven't been around all week. I can't risk then knowing as one of them will let it slip within earshot of DD or she will find out some way if they start to gossip. I'm dreading Monday morning and think I will feel stronger once I get through that.

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sugarfree · 07/07/2006 22:15

Oh god! School gate gossip.
If they ask, tell them you had possible appendicitis but it wasn't in the end? Would that do?
Trouble is,if you just say 'something personal' it just gets their curiosity up and they dig and speculate don't they?

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better today.Go easy on yourself.

Original poster

laurenhannah · 07/07/2006 22:56

Thanks for the suggestion - I hadn't thought of that one, I know that they are desperate to know what has gone on as I have had texts from people who never contact me and my mum has been fielding enquiries all week. A close friend has also been in touch to tell me that the rumour mill is spreading. At least we are close to the end of term so I won't have to put up with it for too long.

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LittlePolly · 08/07/2006 18:37

Just wanted to say hi and send you a (((hug))). I had a mc at 12 weeks about six weeks ago. It's just awful. You really do need to give yourself loads of time to just cry and collapse in a heap (well I did, anyway). If I were you, I'd let your mum and your friend make up something about appendicitis/food poisoning or somesuch to tell all the sticky beaks - that's really the last thing you need to worry about at the moment.
Try not to worry about everyone else. Just wrap yourself up (perhaps not literally as it's a bit sticky at the moment), cry as much as you need to and let the people close to you look after you. Thinking of you. xxx

CristinaTheAstonishing · 08/07/2006 19:22

So sorry for you. I hope Monday morning goes OK, you don't need any extra stress ATM.

Original poster

laurenhannah · 09/07/2006 22:00

Thank you for your kind thoughts, I have been feeling much better over the weekend and am a bit more confident about facing the school gate gossips. Tomorrow will be a challenge for me as I had an appointment for my dating scan and have been aiming for that moment for the past few weeks - the date and time are lodged in my head. I will have to keep myself busy in the afternoon to try and take my mind off it but am almost in tears now thinking about it.

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MerlinsBeard · 09/07/2006 22:03

I had a m/c on 1st June (thought i was 10 weeks but was only 6) and hadn't told anyone i was pregnant. Felt empty and numb for so long. Ironically when i first told a few ppl, i was embarrased and ashamed but now i am glad people know. i don't have to pretend now.

And, let the tears come. It will help. so sorry that u are going through this xxx

CristinaTheAstonishing · 10/07/2006 09:11

Laurenhannah - I hope today goes OK. I had a m/c at 12 weeks just before my dating scan too, that was one milestone that was difficult to face.

Original poster

laurenhannah · 10/07/2006 21:26

Hi thanks for your support and sorry to hear about your loss.
The day has come and gone with me feeling low, the afternoon was difficult as I kept thinking about scans I had for my two girls and reliving them, thinking of times that might have been. I chickened out on the school gate thing, I took DD to school just on time and picked her up slightly late avoiding the usual people I talk to. This has only delayed it till tomorrow but couldn't face them today when I was feeling so emotional.

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sugarfree · 11/07/2006 08:00

It's not chickening out,it's doing it at your own pace,which is fine.
Keep going.

CarlyP · 11/07/2006 08:10

Im sorry. i really feel for you. i had a m/c in feb, and now (for unrelated reasons) have t have an op which means i will not b able to have any more children. nd i often feel like bursting into tears. but it does pass. i found a place (luckily for me, it was thw gym!!) that i seek solace in, where i can get away from everything and find 'me' for a while. it certainly helped with both the m/c and op.

good luck, you will get through this.

Original poster

laurenhannah · 11/07/2006 18:31

CarlyP so sorry to hear about your sad situation but glad to hear that you have found a way of handling it. At the moment I am trying to focus on eating healthily and am considering taking up exercise again once I feel strong enough. I think it is a way of taking control of something as the mc and the possibility of more children seem to be totally out of my hands.

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mumandlovingit · 11/07/2006 18:40

laurenhannah
i really wish you all the best and hope that you will take the time to grieve for your loss and look after yourself properly.its very hard to understand how it feels unless you've been there.keep your family close, its hard to talk at first but it des get easier.dont give up on the idea of a further pregnancy but wait until you're sure that you're ready.one mc doesnt mean youll have another one.i had one at 7 weeks and i'm now a mum to two boys born 13 months apart.it can and does happen.good luck

mumandlovingit · 11/07/2006 18:44

carlyp
i really dont know what to say, you're a brave woman.seek solace in what you can and keep loved ones around you.
probably doesnt help but with modern technology there are alot of other ways to have a child and alot of people find their family through different means other than the conventional one.just a thought for if you're ever ready for the subject.good luck for the future & hope the op goes ok.

CarlyP · 12/07/2006 14:39

Thank you. im fine, decided that im lucky enough to have 2 boys (11 months apart!!) and that i shall be grateful. and move on.

cxxxxxx

CarlyP · 12/07/2006 14:39

Thank you. im fine, decided that im lucky enough to have 2 boys (11 months apart!!) and that i shall be grateful. and move on.

cxxxxxx

Original poster

laurenhannah · 12/07/2006 16:18

Two boys 11 months apart - you certainly have your hands full. I have two girls 5 years apart the youngest one is two on Saturday so I am now focusing on organising a little party for her. I know that I am lucky to have them and they have really helped me through these last two weeks.

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