What is normal after loosing a child?

[amyjade]

My beautiful 19 month old daughter Freya died 14 months ago from Pneumococcal meningitis and this piece below totally sums up my life now, i'm sure other bereaved parents will relate to it as well.

What is normal after loosing a child?
After loosing a child normal is???

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Christmas, Birthday?s and Easter.

Normal for me is going to bed feeling like your children who are alive got cheated out of happy cheerful parents and instead are stuck with sober, cautious people.

Normal for me is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your families? life.

Normal for me is staring at EVERY little girl who looks about my angels age. Then thinking of the age my angel would have been now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it because it will never happen.

Normal for me is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in my heart.

Normal for me is seeing my children at the cemetery visiting their sisters grave and thinking, how could this be normal? They shouldn?t have to be going through this.

Normal for me is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honour my child?s memory and their birthday and survive those days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit?s the occasion. Happy birthday? Not really.

Normal is being impatient with everything but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.

Normal is wondering whether to accept the invitation to your cousins wedding next month or will it coincide with one of your ?bad? days when you just fall apart.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have one or two children because you will never see this person again and it?s not worth explaining that one of them is in heaven. And yet when you say only one to avoid that problem you feel horrible as though you have betrayed that child.

Normal is avoiding playgrounds because of small happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is planning alternate routes through stores so you don?t have to be confronted by with the ?dreaded aisles,? while nevertheless dodging prams and pushchairs and children no matter where you go.

Normal is sometimes not being able to bear looking at photo albums, and other times being grateful they?re covered in plastic so your endless flow of tears won?t ruin the pictures?

This is normal for the rest of my life??.

Amy i was so sad to read this . I can't say anything to help, other than the 2 families I know who have lost a child have managed to get a lot of positives from the "normal" which they now experience. I haven't put that well, but it is well meant. Thinking of you.XX

So happy to hear your news Amyjade, yes everything you said is true, it was my Matthews birthday last Sun, he was 14 when he died, he would be 27 now, I just felt so bloody miserable and angry all day. We went to the cemetery on Sat to take his flowers, orange and red roses in a gold vase, they were so beautiful but I just felt so angry that this is what I was giving him, his birthday, not enough, not right. Its 12 years since he died so now I never get a card from even my family, but its STILL his birthday, I need something to put up to say Happy Birthday darling boy, we love you and miss you and everyone remembers, but no post comes. Life is never the same, yes you adjust because you have to, and even after 12 years I can still walk down the street and suddenly see him in my head and out loud I say, "Oh Matthew, I don`t believe this has happened to us". Its just unbelievable to me, and I know I will never ever accept what has happened.

'Its 12 years since he died so now I never get a card from even my family, but its STILL his birthday, I need something to put up to say Happy Birthday darling boy, we love you and miss you and everyone remembers, but no post comes.'

Aw, triplets! We lost a dear friend at the age of 32. Hardly a boy, but he will always be his mother's boy. At first, my best friend and I felt so awkward sending a card to his mum on the day, so we asked. Send one every year, 16 November.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of Rich, I can only imagine how his mother feels!

All time does is put distance between when it happened and now.

I know one day, we will meet again.

This thread is heart breaking we should all take a long hard look at what we have at times instead of complaining about trivialities I hope you eventually find some peace Aj xxx

Triplets, your dear boy As ds grows up and becomes even more loveable with every passing day, I think of Matthew, and what might have been with our Tom, often. XXX He is not forgotten on here, and neither will Freya be, nor Bo.
We have friends whose first son Andrew died as a baby. He would be off to secondary school this September had he lived and we are now the only people apart from her mum who remember his birthday, and the anniversary of his death.

Thank you everyone, you are a dear bunch of friends. Just re -reading the thread it makes me wonder why people stop sending cards etc, they do it certainly for the first year, then it dwindles into nothing. I suppose they are just getting on with their lives, they dont spend time in the past as we do, we have to as we dont have our childs precious future to look to. Yet I found it sooooooooooo hard when I buy cards and pressies for my nieces, I love them all dearly, but its hard now that they are all older than Matthew, all passed him by, yet he was and is the first born grandchild in our family. I now stand at the school gates with a girl who has a child in reception and a baby, I knew her immediately, she was in Matthews class through out primary school. She looked puzzled when I said, "hello Sophie", she then smiled and said, oh, your Matthews mum, my heart sang............

I have cried while reading this thread for all the sadness in your lives and the compassion you show each other.

I lost my second little girl last year at 6 months pregnant and as nobody met her I sometimes feel that when I mention her people think I am morbid.When people ask how many children I have I always say two but one is in heaven and I get those funny looks but I will NEVER forget her. I sometimes get my scan photos out and her birth certificate to reassure myself,and I think my husband thinks I am loosing it

I feel I need to say something to acknowledge this thread but I just dont know what

"God bless all of you and your little ones"

Chocolatepeanut, of course you have two children, and you are right to say so, it may upset or shock those who ask, but remember they did ask you, you cannot deny your daughters little life. It is hard I know, I find it very hard when you have to fill in forms and you cannot put your childs name down because they are not here, it feels such a betrayal. I only know that losing a child is the most painful, cruel thing that can ever happen to you, your life is changed forever, it rebuilds, but always carries a shadow, thats how I feel, and after 12 years I dontnow expect it to change. There will always be a sadness in my life which gets lifted with the love of my children and family and dear friends, can you imagine what it would be like if you didnt have that to help you? I remember reading somewhere it might have been written by a prophet Gabriel Khan or something like that, he had lost his son, he said, a book is still worth reading if one page has been damaged, there is still good to be found in the remaining pages, its true.

Oh what a deeply affecting thread.
It is so true,we need to stop whingeing about trivialities and hold our babies close.
Dear God AmyJade,words fail me....

Oh my word, this thread is heartbraking. I was having a shit day today and feeling a bit low, mainly about a miscarriage I suffered in April, but wow has this put everything into context for me.

Amyjade, and everyone else who has said goodbye to a precious child, it just brakes my heart thinking how you may feel.

Message withdrawn

amy jade my son was 4 1/2 would be 6 1/2 now. i know exactly how you feel, if you want to chat let me know.