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Original poster

The love of my life killed himself

23 replies

nichat · 16/10/2013 14:07

My beautiful, wonderful partner hanged himself on Friday 13th September. I am devastated & just in bits, he was my World & we were so in love, my little boy idolised him & loved him very much too. The feelings of guilt are tremendous & I relive everything that I should have seen as a cry for help & all the events of the night it happened & everything since constantly. I am terrified of a future without him & can't believe something so dreadful has really happened.

OP posts:
ProfondoRosso · 16/10/2013 14:11

Oh love. I don't have any advice to give but I feel for you so much. It doesn't help much to say it, but you should not feel guilty. Another person's mental illness is not your fault. Sometimes even the deepest, greatest love in the world can't even surmount it. There is nothing you could have done which you didn't do.

Someone else will be along to hopefully give more constructive advice, but you and your little boy will be in my prayers tonight.

LadyBigtoes · 16/10/2013 14:13

I'm so, so sorry nichat, how completely unbearable for you. I didn't want to read without posting, though I'm afraid I can't say I know what you are going through, but this organisation may help if you have't found it already: here

I know there are other MNers who have been through similar awful things and hope some of them will be along soon.

Tiredtrout · 16/10/2013 14:17

I'm so sorry, you should have no guilt over what has happened but it's easier said

ButThereAgain · 16/10/2013 14:22

I'm so very sorry this has happened to you.

Feelings of guilt and wishing you had acted differently always follow such a terrible trauma, but they aren't ANY sort of evidence that you have anything at all to blame yourself for.

Be very kind to yourself as often as you can.Flowers

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 16/10/2013 14:22

I'm really sorry :(

You are not alone, there are other MNers who have been through this, I'm sure they will come and talk to you when they see your thread, we just need to keep it bumped so they do.

Did he have a history of mental illness or was this totally out of the blue for you?

How old is you little boy?

TallGiraffe · 16/10/2013 14:26

I'm so sorry for your loss. Do you have some RL support? As others have said, it is not your fault, hard as it may be to feel that is true right now.

Take care of yourself, there are very many wise people on here who will help.

Original poster
nichat · 16/10/2013 16:01

Thank you for your kind words, my son turned 8, 2 weeks ago, on the day I left for the funeral. I am so scared for myself but also for him, he has no contact with his natural father & looked up to this amazing man so much. I just can't understand why he would keep how he was feeling & what he was planning from me. He declared undying love to me every day in the week before, telling me I made him the happiest man alive, we're so lucky to have met & would be together forever! We had lots of plans for our future together & I thought we were going to have an amazing life. Just utterly devastated & in so much pain.

OP posts:
ohmeohmyforgotlogin · 16/10/2013 16:11

So sorry for your loss. support here

justaquickone · 16/10/2013 16:19

So sorry for your loss nichat
I know what you are going through .

Do not feel guilty their is nothing you could of done to prevent this.

Their is nothing i can say that will make anything any better , just know that you will be in my prayers

QOD · 16/10/2013 16:24

So sorry :(

LadyBigtoes · 16/10/2013 17:29

Just bumping for you for evening MNers to see.

Original poster
nichat · 16/10/2013 17:53

Thank you I appreciate it x

OP posts:
Original poster
nichat · 17/10/2013 01:19

Feeling so sad wish there was someone out there now x

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 17/10/2013 01:29

I'm here - I shouldn't be, but I am.

Did he leave you a note? Do you have any idea of why he did it?

Allalonenow · 17/10/2013 01:30

Sorry that you are suffering so much nichat.
I don't have any advice, other than be gentle with yourself, and brave for you and your son.
Sending you courage, and peace. X

lemontruffles · 17/10/2013 01:34

Hi Nichat. I'm so, so sorry that this has happened.

Please understand that your dear partner took the action that he took for reasons entirely to do with him. I'm sure that he truly loved you, and your son, your mutual love shines through your posts here, but something tragically awful took him over, this was reality for him at this time, and eclipsed that love. Depression is a cruel illness for everyone. Sad

I lost my beloved DH earlier this year, and was devastated; please be very, very kind to yourself. Simple things can work very well, like a hot cup of sweet tea and a slice of hot buttered toast. It may only give you 10 mins of calm but that's invaluable when your mind and heart are racing.

Accept all and every bit of support that's offered. Eat well, drink plenty of fluids, and take some exercise - I walked, still walk, a lot which I find very calming.

Take small steps. Only one step at a time. Things will improve, given time.

My heart goes out to you, and your dear son. I hope you manage some sleep, or at least, a more peaceful, calmer night.
X X X

frustratedashell · 17/10/2013 01:36

So sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through. Do you have support from family?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 17/10/2013 01:42

Lemon I haven't seen you around much lately - how have you been holding up? x

LadyBigtoes · 17/10/2013 10:22

How are things going today nichat? Still thinking of you and watching your thread. Hope you can find at least one way to care for yourself, like the tea and toast as lemon described, or whatever works for you.

ButThereAgain · 17/10/2013 10:51

Hi Nichat. The night times are the worst for swelling on awful things, aren't they.

My dad's partner hanged herself after a lifetime's battle with depression (well, former partner really but he still cared a lot about her and saw her regularly as a friend). He found her body.

Of course it was and is endlessly painful for him, but the trauma, the rawness, the endless replaying and what-ifs all do subside with time. There will come a time when you can feel some peace in relation to this.Flowers

That he kept his feelings a secret from you is of course difficult for you, but it isn't all that uncommon. People get so adept at putting on a front. Also, I guess that he absolutely meant it that you made him very happy. You were a good thing in his life, and perhaps he wanted to keep that separate from the sadness, a blessed relief from it. You probably gave him a great deal of happiness at a time that was otherwise bleak and that might eventually come to be some small comfort for you.

With time you might decide that your son might be helped by talking to someone else as well as you about this death? Just a thought. It might help him, and it also takes some of the pressure of off you, so that you can give full space to dealing with your feelings.

Original poster
nichat · 17/10/2013 12:15

He did leave letters for me, 3 & a card and there are more with the coroner still. They say he cracked before Chrismas & found things increasingly difficult, the final straw being the fact that my son said that his natural father had been touching him inappropriately which greatly saddened my partner. He said how I should never change, how much he loved me, that I should find love again because I deserve it & that he knew my son & I would be ok. He said sorry for lying to me, that he hadn't been to work for weeks & how hard he had found it keeping things from me during our last week together. He also said he had taken an overdose 2 days after I had gone on holiday with my Mum & son but he had woken up the next day - he then decided to do some jobs on the house & presumably wait for me to come back which was almost 2 weeks later. We then just had 6 nights together before actually did it.

OP posts:
ButThereAgain · 17/10/2013 13:17

It sounds like he was a really lovely man and really very much appreciated you, even though he has done something he knew would be so difficult for you.

I know there isn't anything we can say to make things easier for you. But I hope that knowing there are people here ready to listen will be a little bit helpful. Flowers

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/10/2013 22:36

Oh nichat :( my heart goes out to you. My dh did the same just over 2.5yrs ago (April 2011)

It's the not knowing that's so hard - and the guilt of what if/ could you done more

The answer is no

Please contact cruse for support and free counselling

Some find sobs good - but I didn't

Way are good and will put in contact with local people who have lost their partners - sadly I was shocked and amazed how many people kill their selves :(

Take things easy. Lean on friends and family.

Feel free to talk on this thread or message me if that helps

What I will say and you won't believe it as I didn't - but time does make things easier. You learn to Cope with his loss and make a new life for yourself and son

Much love Thanks

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