Advice needed urgently - should I go to see Mum at the Chapel of Rest or not?

[Mo2]

As a few of you may have seen from the other thread, my Mum died earlier this week.
Funeral is on Friday, and we've just had a call from the funeral directors to say that she is now at the chapel of rest if we want to visit.
My Dad doesn't want to go - says he would prefer to hold onto other memories. This is more or less how I feel too. However my brother is undecided since when he last saw her he got a shock and was really upset because she was so ill and barely recognised him. He thinks it might help him to see her at peace.

Anyone got any personal experience or views? Is it terribly distressing. Worse or better than you imagined.
Personally I am terrified at the thought of seeing any corpse, let alone my own mother's. But I don't want to later regret not having had the courage to go.

I really need to decide before this afternoon.

Dear Mo2, I am sorry to hear of your loss this week. I have read this too late as well you said you had to decide by this afternoon. My father died suddenly and I didn't go and visit him at the Chapel of Rest. I had seen him a few weeks earlier and my memories of him with my ds (who was 7 months and his only grandchild at the time) were so happy and vivid that I didn't want them obscured.
I do sometimes think that I should have gone for a last goodbye, but other times I am pleased that I remember him so full of life, as he would want.
Please be happy in whatever decision you made this afternoon, as I don't believe there is a right one. My thoughts are with you.

Hi Mo2, biggest sympathy and love sent to you. Know very well some of the stuff you're going through. The best i can say is that my dad died when my little one was 2 weeks old he was pretty ill for the last two week anyway and yes i did see him when he was dead. Although it has taken a long time to stop thinking about him with the final vision of him somehow i am pleased i had that last time with him to talk and just be and to know that the vision wasnt him the one i loved had already left that body. My mum died 15 months later and i also saw her when she was dead i had a lot of different emotions with my mum and still harbour some left over anger at her. Feel quite ambivalent about having seen her dead but that has more to do with my issues with her so, i know this doesnt give you any answers but i hope it helps you think about it a little better. If you want to echat about your stuff feel free to email me at [email protected] Much love and strength sent you now!!!

Just like to say that I am moved to ttears here(hence usula typos)

what a kind lot youa re.

am so sad for you all.

Hi, sorry about your dilemma. I was with my Dad just after he died in hospital. We came back 5 minutes after a quick tea and he'd 'gone'. It was a chance to say goodbye before he was taken from the ward. Have you said goodbye already? If so I'd keep your memories. My dreams for months were full of my Dad's face in those last few hours.

Hope all goes well for your.

I saw my grandpa shortly after he'd died,still in his hospital bed,and it was ok - I was able to say goodbye and kiss him (we'd been on our way to see him,when he died). My grandma died a few years ago and I went to see her in the hospital morgue (side room chapel type room)- I hadn't seen her for some months, but she looked peaceful- was able to kiss her and say goodbye. So it was helpful to me. However I think I may have found seeing someone in their coffin more disturbing for some reason. Don't know if I'm being helpfuL Mo2 - so sorry to hear of your loss.

Mo2, just realised that this is very late reply to your message - hope all went well for you.love xxxx

Thank you everyone - I am so touched by all the kind wishes here.
I thought long and hard, and in the end decided not to go to the Chapel of Rest. My Father had already said he didn't want to go, and my brother was undecided. In the event, I decided it really wasn't a memory of Mum I wanted to have, and I didn't have any strong other reasons for going.
The funeral was fine, although I am always surprised how short they are - seems so unfair to have a 30 min 'end' to a 74 year life...
We had some friends and family back to my dad's house and I guess it made me realise how much about Mum I didn't know - in the sense that it's 20 years since I moved away from home. It was lovely to talk to some of her friends and find out their memories.

Thanks again to everyone for their advice.
Mo2
xxx

Hugs to you Mo. Please keep posting if you need to talk.

I'm glad you came to a decision you're happy with Mo2, that's the most important thing. I know what you mean about funerals being short - I wanted a full-on Queen Mother type spectacular for both my parents, complete with everyone in veils and horses with black plumes in their bridles. Sounds silly, I know, but emotions are not exactly thinking straight at these times. It's nice that you were able to speak to some of your mother's friends, and hear about other areas of her life. That kind of this gives a real sense of continuity, a real life well-lived, doesn't it? I hope you are feeling okay and getting lots of support. All the best.

Ditto to everyone's thoughts, Mo2. Ikwym about a 30 minute service. You kind of feel like saying "Is that it?? There must be some more."

I'm glad you got some pleasure from chatting to people afterwards; it's a good feeling to know that someone important to you was also valued by others. Take care.

bit late in this thread - but I went to see my dad when he died - for me it was plainly not him anymore - just a shell. Strangely his family all said he looked like he was just asleep - which I thought was ludicrous ! Odd how different people react.

I certainly wouldn't go again in similar circumstances.