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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Advice needed urgently - should I go to see Mum at the Chapel of Rest or not?

37 replies

Mo2 · 19/02/2004 10:05

As a few of you may have seen from the other thread, my Mum died earlier this week.
Funeral is on Friday, and we've just had a call from the funeral directors to say that she is now at the chapel of rest if we want to visit.
My Dad doesn't want to go - says he would prefer to hold onto other memories. This is more or less how I feel too. However my brother is undecided since when he last saw her he got a shock and was really upset because she was so ill and barely recognised him. He thinks it might help him to see her at peace.

Anyone got any personal experience or views? Is it terribly distressing. Worse or better than you imagined.
Personally I am terrified at the thought of seeing any corpse, let alone my own mother's. But I don't want to later regret not having had the courage to go.

I really need to decide before this afternoon.

OP posts:

Blu · 19/02/2004 10:16

Mo2, so sorry.

I did see my grandfather, and I was glad I did. Partly because it enabled me to see him quite simply as my grandfather, but dead, and that like a breath of simple fresh air blew away the same fear that you feel about 'seeing any corpse'. He was dignified, and sort of ordinary, not at all distressing. The other reason I found it helpful was because it filled in a gap in the process, I could see more of my grandfather's journey: ill, and old, and dying, to lying still and quiet, to the funeral, and saying goodbye to his body. Seeing him felt personal and calm.

Perhaps you could think of what you most need in your own process of saying goodbye to your Mum. I don't think you need to feel under any obligation one way or the other, you will have your own way of keeping your memories and saying goodbye.

lilibet · 19/02/2004 10:16

Firstly my sympathies on the loss of your mum, loads of hugs and love coming your way. The time between them dying and the funeral is a very unreal time. I can only speak from personal experience - when my Dad died I went to see him, although a lot of people did say that this was then how I would remember him. The best way I can describe it was it was as tho Dad had a brother and I was looking at him. It wasn't Dad but it was someone who really looked like him. It wasn't distressing for me at all, but different things affect different people and I think that week I wasn't reacting prperely to anything anyway. My mum didn't go but one of my friends wanted to as she beleives that it is a 'done' thing in order to pay your respects and I went for a second time with her.
It hasn't affected my memories of him at all and it certainly isn't the only thing I remember of him.
Whatever you decide will be the right thing for you to do if that makes any sense.
Once again loads of hugs and love to you xxxxxxx

lydialemon · 19/02/2004 10:23

Ok very quick. When FIL died DH and BIL found it good to go to the funeral directors to say goodbye (they had also seen him in the hospital). It was upsetting, but no more than the actual funeral was IYKWIM. As it was such a short time since he had died, they both said he looked 'normal' - as if he was sleeping.

The only person who got really distressed was my SIL, but thats because she kept putting it off (it happened on 30/12 so there was a delay in sorting the funeral) and by the time she saw him he wasn't the same. DH went with her and found it very difficult that time.

I didn't go. About 2% of me regrets it, but the other 98% knows that I couldn't have dealt with it, it wasn't him anymore anyway.

Whatever decision you make {big hug{}}, my thoughts will be with you on Friday.

Galaxy · 19/02/2004 10:26

message withdrawn

kiwisbird · 19/02/2004 10:37

Sympathies and thoughts to you.
This is an extremely personal view of course.
When my dad died we actually had him back home with open coffin, I found it incredibly helpful as it felt like I got my chance to say goodbye (he died very suddenly) however it may not be like that for you, but perhaps your brother is seeking this sort of peace inside.
It wasn't a corpse to me, it was my dad, dead or alive - Also I had to id the body at the police morgue, which was horrid, so to see him calm, clean and at peace again was soothing to us.
Whatever you decide I hope you are able to move on with memories of the best times
Much love
Jane

monkeygirl · 19/02/2004 10:53

Mo2

Deepest sympathies to you.

I can only echo what the others have said and tell you my personal experience. My sister died suddenly and I really didn't want to go see her. Yes I did get very upset but now nearly 2 years down the line I'm glad I did because my memories are not of her in the Chapel of Rest, although I can't deny some of the memories come back of that moment very occasionally, but the hospital really do try and make the whole process as dignified as possible and I think I would have regretted not saying a final goodbye (but I could not go see her again at the funeral home).

Take care and much love.

wilbur · 19/02/2004 11:06

Mo2 - this is a hard choice. I hope you won't be upset if I tell you my own experience. Although I saw my mother in her bed after she died (she died in her sleep very suddenly) my sister had covered her face for some reason and because I was in total shock and utterly terrified, I did not remove the cover from her face. I also did not go to the Chapel of Rest as I didn't really understand that it was something that people did. We asked the funeral directors to put some personal items in with her, chose her outfit very carefully, but left it to them. Subsequently, I bitterly regretted not going to see her, not seeing her face one last time. However, after my father died last summer, I did go to see him, and found it upsetting - he looked okay and peaceful, but definitely no longer alive. However, he had been very sick and starved of oxygen before his death, and his skin was robbed of its colour. I had written him a letter and taken a few things to put in his casket with him and I had to get my dh to do that as initially I was scared of approaching too close. After a few minutes though, I was able to speak to him and spent a litte time there on my own, which was good. Even though this was a difficult thing, I am glad that I went, although weirdly it has made me less upset about not going to see Mum. I do feel bad about asking dh to come with me though - it was very hard for him, too. I realise that this is not exactly brilliant advice for you, but I wanted to say that there is no right answer - go with what your heart tells you you want to do. If you feel you have said your goodbye, or will do so at the funeral, then there is no reason to go. I would recommend perhaps finding a few things to put in with your mother though - a favourite book, clean hankie (if she was a hankie kind of mother), letter or art from grandchildren. I find it a real comfort that my parents are buried with a few special things. I'll be thinking of you on Friday, I hope the service goes well and is a good reflection on your mother's life.

luchar · 19/02/2004 11:13

Hi Mo2. So sorry you are going through this - it is really hard to lose your Mum - {hugs{}}. My Mum died when I was 24 and I saw her in bed just after she had died at home and at the chapel of rest. She looked totally different in her coffin, not like herself at all. At the time I really regretted seeing her like that as I could hardly recognise her and I felt like it was forcing me to acknowledge something that I wished hadn't happened. 12 years on and I don't regret seeing Mum like that any more but I do focus on my memories of her when she was alive. It's a very hard time, the worst of my life so far, so treat yourself kindly and don't expect too much of yourself. On balance I would go again but be prepared for her to not look like 'herself'. Whatever you decide take care. Luchar xx

Marina · 19/02/2004 13:24

Mo2, so sorry for your loss, all my sympathy to you and your family.
Agree with others who have said that it can help to confront one's fear of seeing a dead body. The first dead person I ever saw was my early stillborn son. Although I can't really describe how awful it was, on another level it was reassuring and "right" to say goodbye and I'm glad I did it now. It is easier in a strange sort of way when it is someone you love very much, or it was for me anyway.
This is such a difficult decision for you. {Hugs{}} to you and the others on this moving thread.

miranda2 · 19/02/2004 13:32

Mo, heartfelt sympathy.
Its totally a decision for you, but my experience is that people do find it helpful. One quick idea - If you don't feel up to it, you could ask the undertakers to take a photo for you, which you could see later if you regretted not having gone.
HTH, M.

sobernow · 19/02/2004 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hughsie · 19/02/2004 13:40

Mo2 - Firstly my deepest sympathy for you and your family. I lost my dad in September and did go to see him firstly at the hospital which was a shock as they had not prepared the body at all which I found distressing. However I am glad that i then went to see him at the funeral parlour as he looked at peace and how I remembered him despite it being 4 days later. It is a personal decision but I needed to say goodbye and found confort from seeing his face again and kissing his forehead. I was hoping to have held his hand again but unfortunatley this was not really possible which I was upset about. I would suggest hat you think through what you are hoping to gain from the visit and decide whether you will achieve it. Do feel free to ask questions about what to expect as I know it is a daunting prospect. Remember that it is your mum at the end of the day so dont be afraid.

Good luck in what you decide to do. It does get easier as time goes on.

zebra · 19/02/2004 14:00

My mom was cremated before I could see her, after she had died. I wanted to; it has always felt a little unreal-- is she really gone? I would tend to think therefore you should go, Mo2. Make it real.

Thomcat · 19/02/2004 14:07

Oh Mo2 I didn't know, I'm so sorry.
I haven't read other peoples posts as you need replies urgently, will just bash out my experience.

First off I have never regretted seeing the people I loved who had died.

It was so nice to have a private goodbye and I'm so glad I did it.

I don't wish yo upset you in any way but feel I should warn you that if you do go just be aware that she may look a little different okay, and if you do kiss her and touch her please be aware that she will feel very cold, okay?

I'm so sorry if that is upsetting or painful I just really wanted to make you aware so you weren't shocked.

My deepest heartfelt symapthy to you and your family.

Thomcat x

lou33 · 19/02/2004 14:09

I'm really so sorry to hear your news Mo. My mum died 5 years ago, and I was in the same dilemma. i was with her when she died, but was unsure about whether or not I could bear to see her in her coffin. I went to the funeral home to choose her coffin and lining, etc with my sister, and as we we leaving I suddenly felt I had to see her before her funeral, on my own, to say my private goodbyes iyswim. I dashed back inside, and although they weren't expecting me to see her, they got her ready, and we were left together for as long as I wanted. Tbh I thought I wouldn't be able to cope , but I was really glad I did go and see her. I shed the tears I wanted to with her, told her I loved her, always would, and kissed her goodbye. It was a very special moment to me, and one I am glad I took the decision to make.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

hmb · 19/02/2004 14:31

I am so sorry for your grat loss.

This may get to you too late, but this is what I did when my father died.

I was very reticent to go to visit the body, as I had never seen a dead body before, and I wasn't sure that this was what would be best. I thought that I might be better to be lest with the images of my father when he was still alive.

In the end I went, I suppose in the end I decided to do it, incase I later regretted not doing it.

Dad looked ver peaceful, but I was lest with the unmistakable truth that what had made my father my father was no longer there. I don't practice any religion, and I am not sure what I believe in, but one thing was for certain, my father's 'soul' (for want of a better word) was no longer there. And that gave me great comfort.

I hope that things go as well for you as they can.

crystaltips · 19/02/2004 14:33

Mo2 - Hugs to you Honey.
I ( thankfully ) have no experience of this type of situation.
I think that perhaps you should follow your heart xxx

GRMUM · 19/02/2004 15:04

I went to see my mum mo2, even though I was with her as she died.I felt that although it was her body, "she" wasn't there - her soul/spirit had gone and was at peace.I am very glad that i saw her as it has also helped me to be more peaceful with the idea of death in general - not just hers IYSWIM. It is a very personal decision though.My memories of her are of a million different times in my life not that particular moment.

Twinkie · 19/02/2004 15:29

So sorry to hear your news Mo2. XX

I have to say that death terrifies me and that goes for seeing someone's body too - one of my best friend's mother's died when she was 19 and she still says now that she wishes she had not gone to see her - she remembers her as she was after life rather than during it.

Mind you I or anyone else cannot make a decision for you that is so poignant - you will have to live with any regret whether you see your mum or not. I hope you make the right decision for you whatever you decide.

jampot · 19/02/2004 15:48

Sincere sympathy Mo. My parents died 13 and 6 years ago and I didn't see either of them after they had died. I have never regretted my decisions. Both of my sisters did see our parents both at the hospitals and in the Chapel of Rest and that was the right thing for them. I think its down to personal choice.

Bumblelion · 19/02/2004 15:59

Speaking from experience, my dad died on 2nd February 2002. We were very close, not only was he my father but also my boss and he died suddenly one day after being at work the day previous. Very sudden, out of the blue.

I always quandered whether I would want to see someone that had passed on but when it happened to my dad I was in no doubts.

I saw him at the hospital when he had only been gone about 10 minutes or so and it still felt like my dad (turn away now those of you that are squeamish) as he still felt warm and pliable, I still felt his spirit (not that I am religious).

I saw him later that night but it didn't really seem to be my dad.

I then saw him at the Chapel of Rest 4 days later (had to have an autopsy as he died so suddenly - heart attack out of the blue). When I saw him at the Chapel of Rest, it wasn't my dad. It didn't really look like him (although obviously it was) and didn't feel like him. I felt his "spirit" had gone and all that was left was the empty shell.

Saying that, when it came to the funeral, it felt better as I felt I had said goodbye and I wasn't burying my dad, just the shell he lived in.

Only you can decide what to do, but I know for me it was the right thing to do.

Bumblelion · 19/02/2004 16:00

Sorry but I have to correct a mistake, he died in 2000, not 2002.

wilbur · 20/02/2004 09:49

Mo2 - I know you won't be online today, but just to say I'm thinking of you and I hope the day goes okay for you and your family.

SpringChicken · 20/02/2004 12:37

I hadn't seen this thread before Mo2 and wasn't aware of your awful news.
My thoughts are with you today - i hope everything goes as your mum would've wished.

Lots of love
Jems x

Hulababy · 20/02/2004 14:33

Hope everything goes as planned today for you. Thinking of you. Take care.

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