Stillborn little boy

[LizziW]

Hi everyone, I had a still born little girl 3 years ago. Tonight an old school friend e mailed me as she had a still born son a couple of days ago. Have given her the best?? advice I could but would really love a little poem I could write in a card, when my daughter died someone sent me this
Here she lies a precious bud,
so lately made from flesh and blood,
who as fast fell fast asleep as her precious eyes could peep.
Give her strewings and do not stir the earth that gently covers her.

It really helped me but doesn't work for a boy! Does anyone have something I could use, I don't want anything religious as I'm not sure what her feelings are.
Thnak you x

I

Im sorry, I dont have anything. Im sure someone will be along shortly. Just wanted to send love.

Hi there.

I'm so sorry to read about your daughter and your friends little boy

I think you are right not to try and modify that poem for a boy, I know it helped you, and that is lovely, but I wouldn't have thanked anyone for sending me that when my children died, in fact, if I'm honest it would have upset me a lot to read it, poetry is so personal and can mean one thing to someone and something completely different to someone else.

Have you looked at the poems on SANDS there are some lovely poems and lines in there that may be suitable.

Personally I think you are better to just write words from you to her though. Knowing the words are from your heart will mean so much to her.

There are some lovely verses here:
grievingparents.com/Poems.html
Sorry if link doesn't open but not too long to copy.
I hope you find something that fits.

Thanks so much, I feel such a pressure, she wants me to tell her when it gets better and to be honest I'm struggling to find the right words and its raking up a lot for me, I've been facebooking her all night and feel wiped out. Maybe I'm being a bit of a coward to turn to poetry rather than real words, its just hard for me. Any advice would be appreciated x

I'm not surprised you feel drained

You aren't being a coward at all, you are being a lovely friend, but please don't give more of yourself than you can spare, if that makes sense. You can't emotionally support her to the detriment of yourself.

You can't find the right words, because, sadly, there are no right words. I only wish there was, but just be honest and say that.

Has she been in contact with SANDS? There are some truly lovely people there, most of who are bereaved parents themselves and it may be better for her to speak to someone who isn't emotionally involved.

I know she is pressuring you to give her a time when this will all feel better for her, but to be honest there is no time limit. There will never be a time where she will be ok with losing her son, but there will come a time where she will learn to cope with it.

I would tell her that, right now, she need to concentrate on getting through the next hour, that is all she needs to do, slowly, very slowly she will notice that she can look to tomorrow, then next week and eventually she will be able to see a future again, tell her that you will be there to support her as much as you can but this path we are on lasts a lifetime so just to work through her feelings as they come up and talk lots.

Someone else on the rainbow babies thread posted this, which still gives me comfort. When I see butterflies now I am reminded of the poem, grateful that we had our son at all, even though he isn't with us as I'd like. Often there are many butterflies around at the time, not just one, and I'm reminded that I'm not alone and many others walk this path too.

A Butterfly Lights Beside Us

A butterfly lights beside us, like a sunbeam...
and for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to our world...
but then it flies on again, and although
we wish it could have stayed,
we are so thankful to have seen it at all.
Author Unknown

You sound like a lovely friend. I am so grateful for the friends who have helped me, who cried with me or emailed me regularly or made us meals or helped me start getting out again or whatever. Do make sure you look after yourself too xx

You sound like a lovely friend, so sorry that you have both experienced this loss. All the poems I know are for girls too, but perhaps the 'glow in theWoods' website might be helpful?

Light - Hugh O'donnell

My little man, down what centuries of light did you travel to reach us here, your stay so short-lived;
In the twinkling of an eye you were moving on, bearing our name and a splinter of the human cross we suffer; flashed upon us like a beacon, we wait in darkness for that light to come round, knowing at heart you shine forever for us.

Hugh O'donnell

Dh read this at dd's funeral but in our case, we changed it from "my little man" to "My little one"

It is so hard and I think sometimes when you are trying to help someone else, you do end up back in the early days of grief and it is very early days for you too.

When my dd died two years ago, my aunt wrote me a letter. She had lost two of her children. She wrote "You never get over it but it does get easier to bear"
That was what I needed to hear at the time, from someone who knew.

Would you direct her to our Bereaved Mums thread here? At least there are lots of us so we could all help you to help her?

Hi everyone, I'm so grateful for all the amazing replies you have sent. What amazing people. Some fabbulous advice thank you xxx