Think it's hit me now...felt at absolute loss today

[desperatehousewife]

It was 3 weeks ago today that I had to give birth to my second dead baby in a six month period. Sorry to be so hideously blunt, but that's the fact of the matter sadly.

I have been so focused on trying to find out why and investigating specialists that I have not really thought about it too much. Then this morning it just hit me - it just feels too sad to even start to get my head round. I cannot help thinking that I have failed in some way - the babies were both perfectly healthy and i'd had great nuchal scan results for both. What on earth is my body doing to my babies?

I just don't know where to start really and I don't think there's anything that anyone can do either to make things better - nothing is going to change what has happened.

Sorry that this sounds a bit of a rant - just needed to tell a bunch of people that don't know me I guess.

Sorry

DHW am so so sorry you have had to go through all this. It is so unfair - to go through it all once was horrific enough. I continue to think about you (especially cos I "knew you" at the beginning IYKWIM) and hope you get a much deserved break and some time to get your head round it all xxx

DHW, just seen this, and no wonder you feel like this. Don't apologise about posting and ranting, this is a great outlet and you'll get some fab advice.

You're dealing with this amazingly, but even the stongest people crumble sometimes.

DHW

so sorry DHW :( I can't imagine how you must be feeling

marina no test results back yet - they said 6 weeks and it's only been 3 (longest bloody 3 weeks of my life!). I'm seeing my consultant on Tuesday though and will go armed with questions and maybe some demands this time round.

I find it extraordinary that he wasn't around on the day both times I had to give birth. No pat on the shoulder to say good luck or anything. Then no contact for 6 weeks til the pm results. I think it sucks. I phoned to try and see him a week or so after the event this time round and was told him and his secretary were on hols for the next 3 weeks. I just find it unacceptable. In any other industry/business if you go away you always always tell your clients and always give a colleagues name and number out incase of any queries whilst you are away. I think it's shit that we are just forgotton about.

I think i could get my head round losing two babies, but it feels so much more than losing them - it was the barbaric way - the giving birth to them both that just leaves me speechless at the moment. I'm only little old me, with nothing that bad ever happening to me - i've been so incredibly lucky in my life - and I just don't know how to deal with two big things like this.

Someone at the royal college of physicians today suggested it could have been a hang over from the pre-eclampsia i had with DS1 - a blood clot or similar - easily treated with aspirin.

Again can't get my head round it being something as simple as that and that could have been avoided with some f'cking aspirin. Of course it may not be the reason, but makes you think.

Have been refered by my doc to recurrent miscarriage unit at local hosp but he's away for a month.

It all sucks!

Really sorry DHW, I hope you manage to get some answers soon. {{{{hugs}}}}

marina - where would you recommend on corsica - know nothing about it - nice looking website though. GOod for kids? Just want DS (age 4) to have someone to play with if there's no kids club.

thanksxx

:( words fail me. Thinking of you and your family.x

lost for words

ooops bump for marina! i've asked a Q about corsica!!

Another bump - hope you manage to get away, have time to think/not think - whatever you need xxx

I just can't imagine how you are coping. I am so sorry to hear about it. You must still be in shock. The way the hospital treated you is appalling. Thinking of you xx

hugs...thinking of you xxx

Hi DHW, haven't got much info re Cyprus yet - it was a hotel set out as villas with a shared pool that my Colleague went to and there was a kids club. It was in the Coral Bay Area. He's going to ask his wife (as he can't remember the name). When I get more I'll post it.
Hope you're feeling better today

Oh, sweetheart

I hope that going somewhere sunny...I don't know how to finish this sentence - it won't make you forget - I hope it eases things a little for you.

Thinking of you x x x

Hi DHW, stuck with vomiting boy at home so have only just come back to this.
We went pre-kids I have to say, so Calvi, which is a pretty, lively but not noisy coastal resort with a small airport, suited us beautifully. Not much in the way of structured activities for children, but it is a family resort in high season, no question. And the Corsicans do love children.
If you'd like formal children's provision I think Tigermoth had a fantastic holiday at a Mark Warner or a Sunsail SW of Ajaccio - possibly Cappiciolo, or Porto Vecchio when her ds2 was your ds' age.
Your other option might be to look at Maisons Ceccaldi, near Ostricioni NE of Calvi. I think Hoxtonchick is off there this week and HER son is your ds' age roughly too. It is a small complex of villas in a pretty village overlooking the coast, looks really lovely. Might be less "fun is compulsory" than a Mark Warner type set-up?
I had black rages at my healthcare team too, tbh. My bereavement midwife was only funded p/t AND she was on holiday when Tom was born and by the time she contacted me two weeks later I was almost ready to slit her throat - before I met her of course. My consultant was very good - when I saw him, a bit like yours. I have to say, I think 99% of consultants don't do TLC, even when they are very compassionate and thorough. It just does not occur to them :( But I think almost every woman in your position can talk of calls not returned, vanishing appointments etc and I agree it really is not good enough. Nalini was the "glue" who kept my casenotes active and joined up all the loose ends possible and this is why I believe so passionately that EVERY NHS Trust should have a fully-funded bereavement midwife. With holiday cover so that when these wonderful people come back from a break their answerphones are not jammed with sad, sad calls from people like us :(
The very best of luck with pursuing the aspirin line of enquiry - it did help a friend of mine who miscarried twice at 12 weeks achieve a healthy term birth, I know - and all my love as ever. XXX

Hello, I haven;t posted for ages here but was a prolific poster in my day - hello Marina btwxxxx

I am so sorry you have had to experience this awful loss, yet again. I simply wanted to extend a big cyber hug and tell you about a lady I was looking after on my ward yesterday. She has had 2 still births and 6 m/c's. Her baby was was delivered yesterday and obvioulsy she is nervous. Her baby is healthy and there is no reason why this time she cannot take baby home and enjoy this precious time. I hope that eventually you will have the courage to go for it again.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ah thanks quacks

Quacks, hello :), how lovely to see you again XXX
DHW, how are you today and how are the holiday plans coming? Hope you managed to have a reasonable weekend XXX

Hi marina,

bizarrely had a lovely weekend - there was a local carnival here on saturday, then we went to an after carnival party on sat night and drank a bit too much pimms! Then on sunday we had a huge bbq here with hundreds of kids running around, which was a bit stressful and hard work, but all in all really good fun and everyone enjoyed themselves, which makes me happy! So choc a block but all good stuff.

Am looking out my local sands person again to meet with.

Have managed to find a holiday - but sadly just for one week - but better than nothing! Crete with childcare (bliss!) So now have something really tangible to look forward to.

Have appointment with my consultant tomorrow (who hasn't seen me since he told me the baby had died) and just don't know what to say to him....will try and compile a list of questions tonight....eeek, really nervous for some reason - mainly because these appointments seem to be like bloody gold dust and we are made to feel privileged in some way for managing to get one!

any advice from anyone gratefully accepted!!

x