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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

i don't even know how to start to deal with it

44 replies

MerlinsBeard · 13/06/2006 09:54

(Brief summary...was pg, started to bleed so had ascan which said ther was a 5-6 week sac where there should have been a 9 week baby, lost it that night although its not been confirmed - nothing else it could be though -but have another scan on friday)

I have sort of shoved all my feelings to one side and i just feel numb really, don't feel able to even start to deal with it while i am looking after the boys (3 and 1), i have no time to myself at all and i really really need some but can't get away. Will even have to take the boys to next scan as no one to watch them. Was dealing with the physical pain first and now that that has stopped i feel hollow and not really knowing what to do with myself

don't really know why i am typing this, its not making sense

OP posts:
CaptainDippy · 16/06/2006 12:00

Sad Poor you. That is so awful. I hope you can look upon your two gorgeous boys and know how blessed you are, despite all this. xxxx

Original poster
MerlinsBeard · 16/06/2006 12:02

my eldest (3) asked me if we would see a baby in mummys tummy today :( he said he would like it if tehre was.

OP posts:
CaptainDippy · 16/06/2006 12:04

Sad They break your heart with the things they say and the limit to their understanding, don't they?? Will there be another tiny monster MofM, or are you too raw to think right now? Knowing that there will be another little life in there is something to keep you strong perhaps?? [hugs]]

Original poster
MerlinsBeard · 16/06/2006 12:08

I think we will try after this is all over. I need to know my body can do it now and i think DP needs that reassurance that it wasn't him either. Funny how it wasn't planned and yet now the choice has been taken away we feel really empty.

Its either that or i throw out all the things i have kept from the boys and be sterilised!

OP posts:
CaptainDippy · 16/06/2006 12:23

I think you should try again!! Wink Smile Something to focus on. It is not your fault. It is not your DP's fault. It is something that happened that needs to be dealt with. Then you can move on and look forward to having more children to bless your family!! Smile xxxx

Elibean · 17/06/2006 15:42

((Mom)) another two weeks Sad
I know what you mean about feeling empty and wanting to try again. If you do, I'll be cheering.
xxx

threelittlebabies · 17/06/2006 16:16

mom just seen this, was wondering how scan had gone. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think planting something is a nice idea, like narcisi or perhaps snowdrops which mean rememberance. We planted both on our son's grave, and it's nice when they come up each year. You'll know if and when the time is right to try again. For me it was ultimately very healing. I have some good books on miscarriage and bereavement if you wanted to have a look at one. I'll be thinking of you, if there is anything I can do please just ask xxx

Original poster
MerlinsBeard · 17/06/2006 16:19

3lb, i am really truely HOPELESS in the garden.I can't even grow sunflowers. And have thought that if we move (we rent at mo) then i would want to take it with us. Erring more on the side of adding to my tattoo- 3 stars, 2 full, 1 empty. I need to do something but still feel like i can't deal with it until its gone if u see what i mean?
Right now i am in need of a break from me :(

OP posts:
trinityrhino · 17/06/2006 16:22

MoM Smile

CaptainDippy · 17/06/2006 18:07

A tree - then you can just plant it and watch it grow - or a bush - I recommend www.fineflora.co.uk for tree (cherry blossom is gorgeous and not too big!!) [hugs] xxxx

psychomum5 · 17/06/2006 18:28

((((((((MoM))))))))))

I am about for texting if needs altho am still hiding on MSN.

Still wanting do be able to 'blink' my way to you, for real live hugs.

Original poster
MerlinsBeard · 17/06/2006 20:38

ur hiding on msn? u can block certain ppl u know

COuld do with real hugs right now. Feels like its ongoing. DPs mum has a newborn at mo(they foster) and its really difficult - not their fault tho

OP posts:
PrettyCandles · 17/06/2006 21:03

I wonder whether it's really necessary for you to go through the distress of repeated scans. I'm not a medical person, I can only go by my own experience. I refused to be scanned because I felt it would be too invasive during a very distressing time. Also because I felt that what is a natural process - albeit a hideous and unwanted one - was being unnecessarily medicalised, instead of letting nature take its course. It seemed to me (and the midwife & dr agreed), that I would know when the miscarriage was completed and over, because my body would gradually return to normal, whereas if there were products left behind then I would feel ill. I did go for another blood test, as I knew in my head that I was not pg, also had stopped bleeding, but was still getting morning sickness etc and this was screwing my head up. The blood test showed that my hcg levels were significantly dropped, almost to non-pg levels. All I had to do was wait for my body to stop responding. Which it did - IIRC the whole, physical, business was over within 3-4 weeks. Obviously the grieving and coming to terms took longer. But I felt that by not medicalising the process, by not submitting myself to repeated investigations, I was better able to deal with it on my terms, rather than constantly rubbing at a sore place, IYSWIM.

I also chose not to comemorate in any way, but to say goodbye and to let go. This is a personal choice.

Original poster
MerlinsBeard · 17/06/2006 21:26

Thanks for that different perspective PC

OP posts:
PrettyCandles · 17/06/2006 21:31

Hope I didn't upset you, or make things worse. It's a miserable time, however you deal with it.

But it will pass, truly it will. Sad

Original poster
MerlinsBeard · 17/06/2006 21:33

NO, PC u didn't, its helpful to have a different perspective especially when my head is all over at the moment.

I know i am going on like i am the only one its ever happened to but its helping in a wierd way (i think)

OP posts:
Quacks · 18/06/2006 20:25

Hello, been following this thread and firstly I'm sorry for your awful experience. I think Prettycandles has a valid point. I too subject myself to endless investigation and scans and it was already over, I almost expected to see something each scan but just met disappointment and confirmed what we already knew each time. It took about 5-6 weeks for it all to go but it did and a couple ofmonths later I was pg again and she is now 2! best of luck xxxxxx

threelittlebabies · 18/06/2006 21:47

mom the tattoo sounds lovely. There are loads of things you can do for yourself, things will just come to you. Of course I understand. Much love and healing to you xxx

Elibean · 20/06/2006 16:21

Thinking of you, MoM....it does take time...Sad

I think your tattoo is a lovely idea too, but you are right...it'll all come clear in its own time. I never found it possible to move on emotionally until the physical process was over, personally - I know its different for everyone, but the scans helped me get closure of a sort, intrusive as they were.

Keep posting as long as you want - it doesn't matter how many people this has happened to, its unique for every one of us. xxx

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