lost my baby and need to rant (don't read if you're squeamish)

[steppemum]

I'm having a miscarriage, started on Saturday and still going. It came out of the blue, last pregnancy was fine, and I hadn't even thought of the possibility of miscarriage, stupid I know. The thing is I just can't believe how horribly distressing the process of miscarrying is, I guess I just thought it would be like a period, but it's not, and all morning I had cramps and passing horrid clots and lumps of stuff, and every time I went to the loo it was like that's a bit of my baby I'm flushing away. I just sobbed my heart out every time I had to go to the loo, and it's all been so horrid and messy and distressing.
You probably know I'm overseas, and so no easy pop down to the hospital. My friend who is a mid wife is looking after me, and she's very understanding etc, and says it's all normal, it's just so bloody miserable, and I hate it.

I can only echo what everybody else who has also been through a miscarriage has said. It is one of the most traumatic things in the world to go through. Take care of yourself. Am thinking of you.

Lots of love to you.
Its the worst feeling isn't it? I know just what you mean, I had one completely normal straightforward pregnancy then bang, 2nd one just doesn't go the same way.
Take lots of time for yourself and take good care xxx

steppemum
i'm so sorry for you. i had a miscarriage at christmas - all i can say to you is that it does get a little easier each week. i found that for the first month or so i literally could not breathe at times for panic and upset. now i'm ok 80% of the time, and very sad the rest of the time - but it doesn't feel so very very raw. make sure you take some time for yourself to digest everything and grieve properly. lots of lots of warm wishes to youxxxxxx

Thinking of you steppemum.
Lots of hugs

So sorry to hear you are going through this. It is horrid and nasty, and I know exactly how you feel about it all. The physical nightmare should pass by soon for you. The emotional ones a little longer but give yourself time to grief for your lost baby, and feel free to rant, rave, weep, chat and talk to anyone who will listen, including on MN. There are lots of lovely supportive people here who will only be too willing to listen.

Steppemum, huge hug to you, you poor thing. I can clearly remember the pain of my miscarriages, the disbelief, the anger, the fear and the incredible grief. It is an extremely traumatic thing to go through and I think this can only be appreciated by those of us who have lost babies. I am so sorry. I am glad you have someone close. xx

Oh steppemum -hugs to you. Have been through the same experience myself. I went into hosptal for D&C but to be honest I knew I had passed the pregnancy already. I couldn't believe that I had had a misscarriage - I didn't do that kind of thing after 3 normal pregnancies. Didn't make me feel any better. You will feel better soon. Hugs, mears x.

Steppemum, take your time and grieve, you have had a loss, the pain eases with time. I have had 3 m/c's, the last one took 6weeks, in the end I nearly had blood poisoning, and finally agreed to have a D+C. I felt like I was killing something off from inside, even though I knew I had lost my baby. We are our own worst enemy. Keep posting, it helps if you write it down and keep going over it. I found talking about it helped me alot as well.

Thanks for all your lovely messages, physically the worst has passed, but I still feel so miserable. I keep thinking of all the implications. I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks with my first pregnancy, but that really wasn't a big deal, and then with ds I had loads of spotting at 7 weeks and now a miscarriage at 7/8 weeks and I'm beginning to think there is a pattern and it feels like somehow I've crossed an invisible line from the side of women who get pregnant and have babies to the side where getting pregnant and staying pregnant becomes an enormous struggle. Because the rest of ds's pregnancy was such a dream I hadn't thought about miscarriage this time, and now here I am - 2 out of 3 pregancies ending in miscarriage and I just want to scream IT"S NOT FAIR!!!
But I know that it isn't fair, and life often isn't and I've just got to get on with trying to come to terms with it. My dh has been fantastic, poor guy has had to listen to all the horrible details, and he has had ds loads so I can have time, he is very sympathetic, but he doesn't really understand, I'm not sure that anyone can who hasn't been through it - I guess that's why I wanted to post here.
Thanks for all your support, it's kind of nice knowing that while I was asleep last night people on mumsnet were typing me messages.

Steppemum - I am so so sorry for my post on the September thread! I didn't take the context of your post very well and posted without thinking - I am very sorry

I wont say i know how you feel as i don't - don't punish yourself for realising the extent of a miscarriage, i had always thought i would be just like a period until i read the new mumsnet book!

My thought are with you, i hope you start feeling better soon x

Oh Stepmum poor you. I had one in NZ at Christmas and it was bloody awful. I also never considered it as a possibility. 2 months on I do feel a bit better - but i think I'm not letting myself think about it too much (my way of coping I guess)Best advice I got was to be kind to myself. Thinking of you x

Steppemum - my first pregnancy ended in a m/c too at 9 weeks but like you I didn't think much of it and had dd not long afterwords. With her pregnancy I never even considered it as a possibility. She is nearly 2 and a half now. I was preg last spring and at my 12 week scan in June, was given devestating news that the baby wouldn't survive very much longer due to numerous chromosomal abnormalities. I am still not over this and am having difficulties I think even now dealing with it all. It was a really awful summer and I think the only thing that helped me feel better was being pregnant again in October. I was terribly worried that something would go wrong, but convinced myself (along with my DH and close friends) that it 'of course wouldn't happen again that sort of thing only happens to other people' - but I started bleeding in week 6 and lost the baby at 7/8 weeks.

Why am I telling you more sad news when you're full of your own loss and agony? Well, you're not alone, but I think you already know that. I guess one miscarriage is common enough, more than one not so much, but the more I research and read and talk to others - having more than one is a small but significant ststistic. This site has helped enormously. There are a great deal of helpful positive threads in the miscarriage/bereavement section that helped me through a lot of dark nights. There are numerous sites on the internet dealing with miscarriage(and recurrent miscarriage) loss and dealing with your feelings. Even now, it's difficult, not every day, but certain things will trigger my tears, least of all friends who are pregnant, friends who have never experienced it, strangers even who are expecting and anyone who is blissfully ignorant of this side of pregnancy.

After my m/c in October I pushed for some answers, and am still having some tests done and waiting for the results of others. Sadly the specialist clinics will only see you if you have experienced 3 m/c in a row and for that reason I was not accepted. I have a very supportive and sympathetic GP who has done most of those tests for me herself. It's probably too early to think about testing for yourself, but when you are ready I would certainly ask for them. There are lots of good books too, one that other mumsnetters have recommended and I have now myself is called 'Miscarriage. What every women needs to know', by Lesley Regan. She leads the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic in London and her book has given me lots of hope that I will have a healthy pregnancy soon. Bunny started a thread too on this very thing - it's a bit quiet now, but has load of messages too.
DH and I are ttc again and my feelings go up and down, right now I'm feeling really good about it all. But talk to someone. Understand that you will be angry and tearful and upset and ask why me? There are lots of women here who have experienced similar things and know how you are feeling.
I'm so sorry that you've had this miscarriage, and hope that you're finding a way through everything.
love hana

(didn't think that was going to be so long....)

HI Steppemum I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. I had started bleeding so when to hosiptal whereI was told the baby had stopped growing at 5 weeks and had no heartbeat. The next day I went to the toliet at MIL when I lost the baby. It was a huge shock and I remember sitting there and wondering what to do. I flush the loo and walked out in shock.
I went back to the hospital where they told me the baby had gone
Its a horrible feeling and it felt like I would never get over it. I have since gone on to have 2 DDs to fight with DS.
Hope you feel ok.

Steppemum
I am so sorry to hear this
hugs
xxx

Hana, that;s a lovely post and echoes the feelings of many. I hope you have more positive days and that you'll soon be pregnant again. xxxxxx

steppemum, my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at around 10 weeks and was very much like yours. You have all my sympathy - I am so sorry. It will take time to get over and you must grieve for your loss.

Thinking of you.

Stppemum, here's a link to the thread that Hana mentioned here

I understand what you mean about feeling like you are one of those women who have difficulty getting and staying pregnant. I cant get pg without fertility drugs and apparently this isnt connected to the 2 miscarriages I have had. I cant understand why I have 2 problems when most people have none. Life is very unfair isnt it?

I hope you have lots of lovely people around to support you. Bunnyxx

hi Steppemum,

although it feels like you have a problem, you probably haven't. Your miscarriages are different from each other, and you had a healthy baby in between. The sad fact is that a significant proportion of conceptions are just not viable - they didn't work properly and ineviatbly they fail. It does not necessarily mean you have a problem specifically.

It is hard to be rational when you are suffering from a recent miscarriage, but hte chances are you will go on to have another successful pregnancy in the future.

I hope you feel better soon.

steppemum, I miscarried my second pregnancy after ttc for two years, and your first post described just how it was for me. I hadn't known a miscarriage could be so physically painful - seems so cruel, as you are emotionally devastated at the same time. It's three years now, and I went on to have a healthy ds2, but I won't ever forget the one I lost, not if I live to be a hundred. That little baby was much loved, and much wanted, even for the short time I carried him/her. Give yourself time, it does get easier, and I hope your next pregnancy has a happy outcome. Take care xx

It does feel like that at first and you really do believe that something has happened to make you unable to carry a baby. I 100% thought this after having 2 in a row, one late one early, which apparantly 5% of women will have happen. I got pg again and thought I lost that too with bleeding at 6 weeks but this time, I'm ok and now 16 weeks. You WILL get there, beleive that you can do it when you're ready to embark upon trying again. 1% will have 3 in a row and then be referred for diagnostic tests. In the meantime the Lesley Regan Book is an inspiration and comfort just at this time when you feel you need to know you;re not alone or the only one this has happened to. You will get extra special care next time though hope fully and that is a big help. LOLXX

Thanks everyone. It is so helpful just to hear people say they understand and have been through the same thing. I can't believe how weepy I am, it is a nightmare trying to decide who to tell. I had my mum on the phone yesterday, both feeling miserab;e because she is so far away. The expat community here is so small, but I don't feel like sharing my private stuff, but at the same time, what do you say when someone asks how are you? I'm not very good at just saying Fine! and walking off.

My ds had an accident on Tuesday, he fell and his teeth went through his lip. It wasn't serious, but it was horrendous for an hour, blood everywhere and poor little lamb screaming his heart out. I just felt as if the roof has caved in on us this week!

I wish I could answer all your nice messages, especially hana, thank so much. Springchicken please don't feel bad, I didn't take in what you said on the sept thread, had to go back and read it to see why you were feeling bad, so don't worry, I just have odd living conditions.

Apart from this thread I'm actually finding mumsnet quite hard to read at the moment (no offence to mumsnet, just me not being up for a general chat), so I might take a break for a week or two.

lots of love to you all
steppemum xxx

sorry that was really disjointed - brain dead, I must go and get some sleep
xx