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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

So sad

21 replies

Biscuitsneeded · 18/06/2013 19:28

My lovely, precious friend has died very unexpectedly and tragically. I don't want to give much detail because she is a wonderful person with many, many friends who might possibly read this. But she and her family had been through a lot and this is so unfair. I feel utterly bereft. I can't believe she has gone. But she has a husband and small children. Their grief must be of such a magnitude that mine seems trivial by comparison. I can't really talk about how I feel because I so wouldn't want to be one of those people who suddenly claim to be best friends with people who've died in order to get attention. But she was such a wonderful friend. The circumstances are tragic and shocking, and awful. I just wish I could tell her how much she meant to me, and let her know that we will make sure her children are OK. I don't really know why I'm writing this here. I just miss her.

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ldt87 · 18/06/2013 19:33

So sorry biscuits, it must be shocking to experience this, don't underestimate your own grief by comparing it to others, you are completely allowed to feel how you feel.

I understand not wanting to reveal details, I really hope you have some good support for yourself while you deal with the shock of what's happened. Be kind to yourself xx

Dackyduddles · 18/06/2013 19:34

I am so sorry for your loss, sounds a dreadful shock. Keep posting, bumping for more ears....

ldt87 · 18/06/2013 19:34

Maybe you could talk about you and her? If you see what I mean rather than her personal details. How did you meet? Were you friends for a long time? Xx

ldt87 · 18/06/2013 19:36

A friend of mine lost her best friend in a similarly sudden and tragic way, so please don't minimise how you feel, I remember how long it took her to come to terms with what had happened.

Original poster

Biscuitsneeded · 18/06/2013 19:47

Thank you for understanding. I am just so shocked. We've been friends for about fifteen years, starting before we had children so we did a lot of going out and having fun. We met in London, doing the professional thing when we were in our twenties. She was such an incredible person. Charismatic, clever, funny. She had a knack of making everyone feel important. She also really bolstered my confidence. We just clicked. Then we both had kids, and she had some very difficult times which I can't go into as it will identify her, but she was incredible throughout. I had moved away from London by this point to live with my partner so we didn't see each other as often, but when we did it was so easy to pick up where we left off. I had so much respect for her. She taught me a lot. And I feel privileged to have been her friend.

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ldt87 · 18/06/2013 20:07

She sounds fab, I am sure she will have known that people would be there for her children and won't have worried about that kind of thing.

It must be so fresh right now but in time you will have 15 years worth of memories to cherish and talk to her children about. Nothing will make it right that she's gone, but take from your friendship what she gave to you and taught you and make sure her kids know what an amazing mum they had. Who better to tell them all her embarrassing and fun stories than the person doing them with her!

Do you have some real life support at home?

ldt87 · 18/06/2013 20:08

And I didn't mean to sound flippant in that post, I just meant sometimes when people are so great we just take so much away from knowing them, even if it is cut short somehow xx

Original poster

Biscuitsneeded · 18/06/2013 20:34

No don't worry I know exactly what you mean. Partner is being very kind. Offering to take a day off so I can go to see a mutual friend etc. And we don't know the funeral date yet but I already asked him if he would come with me. I think he does get how important she was to me. Hell, she was the first of my friends he ever met, and she'd just given birth and I was so desperate to see her I dragged him round there after about 3 dates!

I will definitely make sure the children know how incredible she was. But I feel like the whole word should know that it's a poorer place today because she's gone.

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Original poster

Biscuitsneeded · 18/06/2013 20:34

Thank you both.

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ldt87 · 18/06/2013 22:30

I'm glad you have someone looking after you. It sounds like you had an amazing friendship.

It's a good idea to go see someone mutual, it's the best way to get it all out with someone else who knew her. I'm really sorry for your loss xx

ldt87 · 19/06/2013 21:12

How are you today biscuitsneeded? Xx

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/06/2013 09:51

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. She sounds like she was a wonderful person may she RIP xxx

Original poster

Biscuitsneeded · 20/06/2013 11:59

Thank you Betty. I am a little less shocked, and a little more angry. Why my friend? We have the funeral details now; I imagine there will never have been a gathering like it.She will be so very much missed by so many people; I hope she knew how central she was in all of our lives.

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t875 · 20/06/2013 20:41

BIscuits, ((())) I am so sorry to hear the loss of your friend im shocked!! Please know here for you, how very very tragic i can imagine the shock you are going through right now xx

Original poster

Biscuitsneeded · 22/06/2013 19:32

I've just re-read all the email exchanges between me and my friend over a period of many years. She was so funny. And I'd forgotten the small details of what happened, and our responses to it, and then her emails from when her family was in crisis. In one of them she signs off "we can feel the waves of love". I really wish she could now. I wish she knew how many people are so utterly grief-stricken by her death, and how desperate we all are to do something to make her little family's sorrow less vast. I miss her so much.

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ldt87 · 22/06/2013 21:24

Biscuits, big hugs, I've been thinking of you lots and checking back here. There is great support on here and it might help to talk about how you feel. Sending you lots of love xx

Original poster

Biscuitsneeded · 22/06/2013 21:36

ldt, you're so kind. I feel awful. Other than my partner I've only told two people in real life what has happened. I don't live in the same place as my friend so much of the time I feel detached from it all, like it hasn't really happened. One of the friends I have told brought me flowers today, which was lovely, and I think she expected me to fall apart and weep all over her, but I can't. I am getting through the days fairly well, but the evenings are a different matter. I have been in touch with a couple of mutual friends, who I'm sure as as wretched as I am. When we have the funeral it will be a very, very difficult day, but I think it will also help to be amongst other people who know exactly how wonderful she was. At the moment if I mention her at all I involuntarily pull myself together. I want to fall apart but I can't.

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ldt87 · 22/06/2013 22:52

I understand, I am the same and refuse to break down in front of people. Then when I'm alone I fall to pieces and have no one to give me a hug and talk to me. I think at the funeral, being in a place surrounded by others who are grieving for your lovely friend, you might be able to start to come to terms with what has happened.

Don't worry about holding it together, you are talking about your feeling and you will grieve in your own way. It is just the case that some people don't open up like that around others.

I hope you feel okay tonight xx

fengirl1 · 22/06/2013 22:57

Biscuits, one of my friends was in exactly the same situation recently, the difference being she saw no reason to put her grief out there. Why shouldn't you? You obviously loved her and cared about her. I hope the funeral will give you a chance to express your grief and find some support from those who cared about her too.

Original poster

Biscuitsneeded · 23/06/2013 08:09

I think that's what's happening. I told the two people I am closest to where I live (and my partner, of course). But I said to them I wasn't going to mention it in our wider friendship circle, even to good friends who I see every day - because they didn't know my friend, so ultimately the tragic story (and it is utterly tragic) would just bring everyone down, and yet they couldn't possibly know how fantastic she was so it wouldn't mean much to them. I think it will be a very different story at the funeral, where everyone will understand what a huge loss she is.

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Original poster

Biscuitsneeded · 16/07/2013 19:27

Well the funeral was both exactly right and very wrong at the same time. It was planned and executed brilliantly, and I recognised my friend in every part of it. But I still can't get my head round the fact she's gone. How can she be dead? How could she die and leave a little family reeling? How can there be nothing I can do to ease their pain (I am not local to her and her husband and kids are being cared for as much as possible by their immediate community)? And I am struggling to deal with my sadness. Of course life has to go on, and I'm OK most of the time, but then a memory or a thought will strike and I'm a mess again. I'm worried she died in fear, or pain, or panic. She was a wonderful human being and my one shred of comfort is that because of a previous crisis she had been through (not relating to her own health) I had told her how much I loved her. I just feel heavy-hearted all the time. It's not really my right to be making such a meal of it when her family are facing so much more devastation with such courage and dignity, and I'm sure she wouldn't everyone to sit around weeping indefinitely - she was far too full of spirit for that - but as soon as I am left on my own that's exactly what I end up doing. I feel as if I ought to be moving on, but doing that would mean leaving my friend behind in the past, whereas I want to keep her with me. I had a dream I met her in hotel somewhere, and she was very ill and frail-looking and clearly dying, but at least she was still alive and I could hug her and tell her everything I needed to. I know that dream was a subconscious attempt to let go, but I'm just not ready to.

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