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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Its coming up to my twins first remember day

21 replies

KateRaeganandMichael · 21/05/2013 22:15

Hi all - it has been a while since I have posted anything on here so I hope you are all doing well. It is coming up to Nathan and Stanley's first Remember day (31st May)and I have no idea what to do - other than light a candle and maybe say a poem. Im having trouble finding any poems about twin loss so any help will be appreciated. I have been so very sad the last few days - I keep thinking "this time last year i was doing such and such and they were still alive" and that just breaks me. tomorrow is the anniversary of the operation to save them and I know that that is ultimately caused my waters to break - but also caused them to not suffer anymore (from the TTTS which would have probably killed them anyway) my heart feels like its crumbling writing this - 10 days and it will be a year a whole year since my world fell apart! x

OP posts:

hellonewworld · 21/05/2013 22:30

Sorry to hear about the loss of your twins. Could you maybe send two balloons into the sky or light a sky lantern and let it go? This is bound to be a hard time, my thoughts are with you.

piemashandliquer · 21/05/2013 22:35

I am so sorry for the loss of your darling, precious babies. I think your idea and helloneworld's are lovley. I will keep u in my prayers.

Original poster

KateRaeganandMichael · 21/05/2013 22:40

I like the balloon idea x thank you both for your answers xx

OP posts:

MumOfTheMoos · 21/05/2013 22:42

I think balloons and candles are lovely ideas.

PurpleThing · 21/05/2013 22:53

Do you have a garden?

My dad died in the Spring and I always think of him when the daffs come out. You could plant something that will flower every May.

Sorry for your losses.

Charleymouse · 21/05/2013 23:06

Hi
So sorry for your loss. You know where we are on the bereaved mums thread. Shabba and a few regulars keep it ticking over and I lurk and post occasionally. It doesn't seem like a year does it? In some ways it seems to have lasted forever and in other moments it has flashed by.

On my twins 1st birthday I took a helium balloon and all the important people in my family wrote a message to my boy on it. We then lit candles and my husband, daughter and little boy released the balloon skyward and we watched until it went out of sight. We had to have candles and cake as my DTs birthday is also DT1s remember day.

There is no right or wrong thing to do, you have to do what feels right for you and hang what anyone else thinks. They are your boys, you are their mum and always will be. If you want to hide in bed all day do it. If you want to buy a cake on their birthday and sing happy birthday do it. You have to do whatever helps you get thought the day. Do you have somewhere to go on the day? A special place where you feel at peace?

I was due on the 31 May and try to think of my DT1 on this day so I can focus more on DT2 on his birthday and be maudlin on the 31st. I will obviously be lighting a candle on this day so I will light one for Nathan and Stanley as well.

Much love CM x

Sending big hugs as well. You will always be a multiple mum and your boys are beautiful.

chipmonkey · 21/05/2013 23:13

Hi Kate! Nice to "see" you again!
For Sylvie-Rose's birthday, we released a big "1" balloon into the sky and had a cake. For her remember day which was 7 weeks later in our case, we went up to the grave and placed some special flowers there.
I would try to keep the day as free as possible. I went to work on Sylvie-Rose's birthday, I'm not sure why I thought it would be a good idea but it was hard, especially as one of my colleagues has a little girl who shares her birthday.

I am thinking of releasing a heart-shaped chinese lantern this year but am a little worried re safety.
Much love to you xx

Original poster

KateRaeganandMichael · 21/05/2013 23:31

PurpleThing

I dont have a garden as such (I live in a flat) but I do have a little window box that me and my daughter look after - I cant say im particularly green fingered but i think that your idea is lovely and i'll give it a good go x

Charleymouse

It doesn't seem like a year does it? In some ways it seems to have lasted forever and in other moments it has flashed by.

you took the words right out of my mouth x

Chipmonkey

Nice to "see" you again too - I was thinking of making a cake and im now thinking (should the weather decide to turn nice) of having a little picnic in my local park. I was also thinking of doing something with chinese lanterns but like you i have concerns about their safety (especially when my daughter is around) x

Because we had the boys cremated (I have them in a teddy bear urn) I dont know what to do with them - do I take them with me when we release the balloons/picnic?? - I know this is going to sound silly but I haven't even taken the teddy bear out of the plastic wrap that its in (I dont think that I ever could) so id be carrying round a teddy bear, in plastic and id be carrying as if it were bone china (so as not to drop it) and also if my 3 year old got her hands on it - oh I dont think id ever get it back.

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 22/05/2013 10:29

Kate, don't worry about how it looks to others. Do what feels right for you. And if you want to just have a nice picnic, whether or not you bring the boys' urn, that sounds lovely.

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 23/05/2013 07:37

Kate, do what feels right for you. And perhaps make sure that your plans can be flexible, in case you change your mind at the last minute. The lead-up can feel overwhelming, and I agree with chip about having the day, or at least some time on 31st May, set aside just for you to think about the twins.

We had a picnic for Mia with all her friends on her birthday - but I wasn't up to singing Happy Birthday. We planted a gorgeous red-leafed tree, for her red hair, and all her little friends stamped the dirt and watered it.

No matter what do - or don't do - it will be right. Your children are in your heart, and they know how much you love them every day.

Original poster

KateRaeganandMichael · 30/05/2013 19:55

Just now, I was looking out of the window and a ray of light shone through the clouds and I just started weeping uncontrollably, I know it sound really cliche but it happened - my dd started singing twinkle twinkle to cheer me up but I'm still shaking now. I hate this, I know I'm going to be bad tomorrow and that's not what I wanted. I just went on fb (which was probably a bad idea) to see that my mil has either completely forgotten or just doesn't care..... And my mum, dad and brother are going to be away. My friends have been supporting me all this week but I can sense that I'm wearing out their patience, I just don't know what to do to calm myself down....

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 30/05/2013 20:05

Kate, that ray of light was from your boys, I'm sure of it.
I'm so sorry you will have no family support but you do have your beautiful dd and dh. And you have us, for what it's worth!

Original poster

KateRaeganandMichael · 30/05/2013 20:36

Thank you Chip xx I was just expecting them to be here x

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Original poster

KateRaeganandMichael · 30/05/2013 20:36

Its hurting so much xx

OP posts:

Original poster

KateRaeganandMichael · 30/05/2013 20:44

I will forever thank you guys x I don't think I'd have got through this without being able to talk to people who have been through this...xx

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matildawormwood · 30/05/2013 23:09

Kate, I just want to send you some support. We just had the first anniversary of our baby boy's death and it hit me so much harder than I thought it would. All of the 'this time last year' stuff is so hard to deal with and it will probably go on for a few weeks until the funeral anniversary is out of the way too. I felt I was doing relatively ok until that point and then it all came flooding back, all the original shock and disbelief. I too found the lack of acknowledgement from others hard. You will get through it, I just wish that none of us had to. Oh, and don't feel that you 'need' to do anything if you don't feel up to it. I think there can be a sense that we need to rise to the occasion and mark the day in some significant way. I had some thoughts about what we were going to do but in the end we just went away for a few days, played on the beach with DD and lit a candle each night. It was all I could face, to be honest. Wishing you the strength to get through it and thinking of little Nathan and Stanley.

TheOldestCat · 30/05/2013 23:11

I am so sorry for all these terrible losses.

If it's ok I will light my candle for your beautiful boys, Nathan and Stanley, tomorrow.

Charleymouse · 31/05/2013 22:10

Thinking of you, your DH, your DD and your beautiful boys Nathan and Stanley today Kate.
Sending you love and strength. xxx

Hellonewworld · 31/05/2013 22:38

Thinking of you tonight, have lit a candle for your boys xx

Chunkamatic · 31/05/2013 22:47

So sorry for the loss of Nathan and Stanley. Their love shines strong. Sending you all lots and lots of love. Xxx

marriedinwhiteagain · 01/06/2013 10:16

I came on here for a wallow. Don't do it in real life. Today our ds2 would have been 16. Eventually it really does stop hurting all the time and just surfaces occasionally; sometimes on anniversaries and sometimes out of the blue. This week is a hard one for me because though dd arrived 51 weeks later her birthday week is always a hard one for me - often with a party close to Alexander's birthday. But the cutting pain fades away over the years.

Today iS a bad day but when I get up DH and I will go to the cemetary and this afternoon I have said I will take dd for lunch and shopping and will manage it with a smile.

With love - you have all made me feel blessed by the passing of time

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