My MIL is Dying

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Her body is riddled with cancer. We believed we had a year left with her but apparently she has been hiding how serious things are and we only have about six weeks.

She and I have never been close but I am hurting so much for DH. I have had to go out tonight because I cannot keep it together in front of him. I feel guilty for leaving him round at a friend's house but I needed time to get my head together. I was sat in the lounge with him and felt trapped and like I couldn't breathe.

He is my husband and for the first time in seven years I don't know what to say to him. I am meant to be the one in this marriage who fixes things. I can't fix this. I feel so helpless. I have never experienced the death of a relative before. I have no idea what to do.

I feel like I'm drowning

And I don't know why I posted this. I have no idea what I am hoping to get from here. I just need to get it down in writing. It feels more real now.

Poor you and poor DH . It can be a difficult and scary time.

I have lost both my parents to cancer and organised their care in the last stages of life. How about telling him what you have told us? - you cant fix this. But you can hold his hand on the journey and help make things easier. Is MIL at home? Do you know what she wants for her last few weeks? If you or DH can talk honestly to her about what is happening it can really help. Then you can make plans, involve macmillan and the GP and palliative care team to put things in place to support your MIL, your H and you.

My mum died at home, with us holding her hands, because that was what she wanted. We had had a little celebration with her just before she died and had all spent time with her talking about what we meant to each other and how much we loved each other. We had also talked honestly about her funeral and how she wanted to go.

I think the two most important things I learnt were not to be frightened of death - it doesnt have to be awful - particularly if your MIL has had a good and fulfilling life an is at peace. And dont be frightened to cry or to let DH cry - it is a natural reaction to the passing of a loved one.

Sending you (((hugs)))

She is at home at the moment about 200 miles away. We are travelling up to her on Sunday. DH is her youngest son and tge problem we have is that she will not talk to him. She still thinks of him as her little boy and wants to protect him from the bad things in life.

I have said to him that I think he is basically going to have to level with her and remind her that he is an adult and deserves to know what is going on. At the moment all tge info we get is second hand from FIL.

And I am sorry for your loss elastamum

I should have said that first but I'm not thinking very clearly tonight